April 12, 2004

• Blogging From The Toilet

  
  

  the joy of wireless internet

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  . . . because I can!

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  Why My Boyfriend is a “Little Bit Different”

  
  

  Part 3

  
  

   

  
  

  31. The Boyfriend: Shoot!

  
  

       Me: What’s wrong?

  
  

       The Boyfriend: I put my boxers on backwards again.

  
  

   

  
  

  32. He can’t stand overhead lighting.

  
  

   

  
  

  33. He steals my side of the bed.  My side is a prime location because it is next to the only nightstand.  The Boyfriend has no respect for the rule that the owner of the bed chooses sides.

  
  

   

  
  

  34. One night, when I went to the bathroom to pee, I heard him giggling like a schoolgirl in the bedroom.  Instantly, I knew he had stolen my side of the bed yet again.

  
  

   

  
  

  35. Indeed, he had! In retaliation, I flipped on the overhead light and then slid under the covers knowing full well that soon the other side would be mine.  Oh yes, it would be mine!

  
  

   

  
  

  36.  Realizing that (a) I could sleep peacefully even under the red hot intensity of 1,000 suns, and (b) he needed to get up to turn off the overhead light that tortured him so, the Boyfriend farted, hoping that the lingering poot smell on that side of the bed would deter me from reclaiming what was rightfully mine when he got up.

  
  

   

  
  

  37. He forgot I had a cold and my congested nasal passages would protect me from his noxious ass gas. 

  
  

   
  

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  “Mega what?” 

  
  

  submitted by Heidi

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

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  My Niece Can Kick Your Niece’s Ass

  
  

  -or- 

  
  

   From JordanSchmorgasborden: the Funniest Niece on the Planet

  
  

   

  
  

  TheGoddess: Jordan, look! It is the Easter Bunny!

  
  

  Jordan: That’s not the Easter Bunny. That’s just some geek in a bunny costume. 

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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   Movie Review Haiku – Part Deux

  
  

    

  
  

  Hellboy

  
  

   

  
  

  Boyfriend picked movie

  
  

  It didn’t make my eyes bleed

  
  

  Still glad he paid, though

  
  

   

  
  

  Eternal Sunshine

  
  

   

  
  

  Dear my ex boyfriends

  
  

  I may have been a bitch, but

  
  

  Please don’t erase me!

  
  

   

  
  

  Secret Window

  
  

   

  
  

  Is that dude Amish?

  
  

  Much like that Brad Pitt movie

  
  

  Oops, I ruined the ending!

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  THEORIZED: Apparently, breast implants make you very, very brave.  How else do you explain the abundance of surgically enhanced female contestants on Fear Factor?

  
  

   

  
  

  SUGGESTED: The Charmin bears need to change their diet because whatever they eat now gives them the runs.

  
  

   

  
  

  WONDERED: Which is hotter, shakin’ it like a salt shaker or shakin’ it like a Polaroid picture?

  
  

   

  
  

  NOTICED: Jay Bilas from SportsCenter blinks too slowly.  Pay attention next time, you’ll see what I mean.

  
  

   

  
  

  SAW: Sign at a country store that read, “FREE DIRT.” If it is free, and seemingly available pretty much everywhere, why advertise?

  
  

   

  
  

  HEARD: Missy Elliott proves that a song with nonsensical lyrics can work as long as the words rhyme (sorta) and it has the same catchy beat from all your other songs. 

  
  

   

  
  

  CALCULATED: Producing one hour of Average Joe 2: Adam Returns actually required days and days of filming.   Per show, at least three hours of footage of awkward make-out scenes and 1,293,392,938 minutes of uncomfortable silence ended up on the cutting room floor.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  These Xangans Are Funnier Than You!

  
  

   

  
  

  “I’m not going to [buy] Crest Whitening strips until I only have one tooth left. It will be more economical because each whitening strip will last much longer. That tooth will shine like a solar panel on a cheap NASA rover.” – PopeOnABomb

  
  

   

  
  

  “i had finally managed to tell the girl to stop calling her underjunk her “front tush” and start calling it a vagina.” – rache

  
  

   

  
  

  “‘I feel like chicken tonight, chicken tonight!’  is more than just a jingle for poultry TV spots.  It’d also make a great taunting chant by home team fans against the visitors during sports events.” – loftycomfort

  
  

  Matthew: “Holy shit! Jesus has come back from the dead!”
  Jesus: “Braaaaains!” - jrandom

  
  

  “I saw an article just a few moments ago that a man in Texas was so moved by ‘The Passion’ that he went to police afterwards and confessed murdering a 19-year-old woman carrying his unborn child. I’ve not seen the movie yet, but am so moved by this story that people in the world are finally starting to take charge for their actions that I’m admitting, yes it was me who used the last paper towel in the kitchen and didn’t change the roll.” – QueenWithoutACountry

  
  

  “Another day, another stupid dead possum in my yard.” – LittleVlahGirl

  
  

  “So last night I heated up a can of chili, and mixed in some onions, chili powder and a little green chili from another can because hey, I live the high life. Canned chili is the reason our forefathers struggled for 200 years keeping our country free. Oh, and maybe voting, like that matters.” – Fleener

  
  

  “This is ALL ReverandJohnny‘s fault.” – bellygoddess

  
  

  “Ew, a second ago I saw something on my desk that looked like a cookie crumb, so I picked it up and ate it. But after I chewed it up, I am not so sure that it was actually a cookie crumb.” – jessicass

  
  

   

  
  

  “It was a strangely competitive moment when I walked up to an ATM at the precise moment another student strolled up to the ATM beside it.  We never said a word to one another, but the next thing I know, we’re peeling out our cards, jamming them into the machines, and we’re off.  The race begins.” – SecretAgentGirl

  
  

   

  
  

  “Incidentally, this morning I decided on the spur of the moment to wear blue socks with my grayish-brownish pants.  In retrospect, that might have been a bad idea.  Sorta like the Heart concert I attended with my teen crush, to which I wore a red sweater, white pants and red socks.  And black dress shoes.  With a wicked comb-over hairdo.  Now that I think about it, the whole of my youth was an endless dip into the pool of humiliation.” – blueyoohoo

  
  

   

  
  

  “I picked up the kids and went to Chuck E. Cheese. I’m happy to report that Chuck E. Cheese serves beer.” – officeconfidential

  
  

   

  
  

  “I threw away about 12 dozen baked goods today at work, and we do it every night at closing. I can’t help but feel guilty every time I do it. I feel guilty being wasteful, I feel guilty being American, and I feel guilty being fat. Oh well. *eats a croissant*” – Silvergirrl

  
  

   

  
  

  “Also, anyone got any ideas for how to break my son of his habit of sucking his right thumb while simultaneously inserting his right forefinger up his right nostril while simultaneously putting his left hand down his pants to do whatever it is that males of the species do with their kibbles ‘n’ bits? Last night, the boy ate a cup of ice cubes (because we are all about the ice cube consumption here), then thrust his hand down the front of his drawers. I thought for sure when the frigid hand met up with the warm little-boy parts that the hand would fly out of the pants, but no such luck. Apparently at this age, boys don’t care about the shrinkage of the dinkage. Anyway, I don’t really mind if the boy wants to clutch his parts, I just want him to do it where I don’t have to view it. Which I’ve said to him somewhere along the lines of 80 million times now and he just smiles and nods and continues to palpate himself.” – Primeva

  
  

   

  
  

  

  • 8:17 pm
  • 78 Comments