February 25, 2004

• What the -?!

  
  

  Gold’s Gym. The new slogan: “We guarantee results or we’ll give you your old body back.” Gee, with a guarantee like that, how can I say no? What they fail to mention is how much lighter you’ll be once they extricate the hefty membership fee from your wallet.

  
  

   

  
  

  Tuna. Recently I heard a commercial on the radio for Chicken of the Sea tuna, touting its new, bigger chunks of tuna.  You hear a can opening, and then the announcer says something like, “See how much bigger they are?” Uhm, no, I can’t.  It is a radio commercial.

  
  

   

  
  

  Quiznos.  Question No. 1 – What the hell is THIS?! A rat? A hamster? Roadkill?

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Quiznos calls it a spong monkey. Question No. 2 – What made Quiznos think that singing vermin-like creatures with crooked bulging eyes and funked up teeth would entice anyone to try its subs? 

  
  

   

  
  

  Pepto-Bismol.  This is one of those commercials that I see so early in the morning that I later question whether it was merely a figment of my sleep-deprived haze.  The new Pepto commercial has several people doing a line dance while singing, “Upset stomach, indigestion, nausea, heartburn, diarrhea” and touching the corresponding body parts.  Kind of like the Macarena, but not.  If this becomes the next dance craze, it would officially mark that there is no hope for America.  Well, that, or if Bush gets re-elected. Same difference, really.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  Movie Review Haiku

  
  

   

  
  

  Miracle

  
  

   

  
  

  The scary Russians

  
  

  Bad hair from the Seventies

  
  

  Go team USA!

  
  

   

  
  

  Lost in Translation

  
  

   

  
  

  A plotless movie

  
  

  Extreme close-up of her ass

  
  

  Bill Murray is hot

  
  

  Euro Trip

  
  

  One dominatrix

  
  

  A little bit of incest

  
  

  Lots of penises!

  
  

  
  

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  A Blog Isn’t Complete Without A Camel Toe Ad

  
  

  

  
  

  Click Picture to Enlarge. Do it!

  
  

  
  

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  This Month’s Strongly Worded Letter

  
  

  Dear Bank,

  
  

   

  
  

  I write to advise you that not everyone drives SUVs. As such, I’m at a loss as to why you’ve built all of your drive-thru ATMs approximately seven feet off the ground so only monster truck drivers and Yao Ming are able to insert their cards into the machine from the comfort of the driver’s seat.  While I used to be a big Dukes of Hazzard fan (Bo was so cute), the novelty of climbing out of my car window to reach for the ATM has worn off. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Please find enclosed a copy of medical bills incurred from the treatment of my neck and shoulder injury, which is a direct and proximate result of the negligent construction of your ATMs and your willful and wanton disregard for the wellbeing of your shorter-armed, non-SUV driving customers.

  
  

   

  
  

                                                     Very truly yours,

  
  

   

  
  

                                                     The Goddess

  
  

  
  

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  These Xangans Made Me Snarf My Grande Non-Fat No Whip Mocha From Starbucks

  
  

  “The Jesus Club and I got off to a rocky start after I told them I had given up Christianity for lent.” – jay321 

  
  

  “After a healthy dose of Marcus Aurilius, I’ve decided to live every day as if it were the last day of my life, thus: I wake up around 5:00 in the morning, spend an hour making funeral arrangements, then sit in my room and wait…” – Rue_the_day

  
  

   

  
  

  “I saw this other girl who was skinny. Really skinny. Like, so skinny that if she were eating a kabob, you wouldn’t be able to see her and all you would see is a floating kabob magically disappearing and the girl slowly reappearing as she eats more of the kabob. I don’t know. Did that make sense? She’s just really skinny.” – cheezprincess

  
  

   

  
  

  “two words: sleeveless turtleneck.  i mean, that piece of clothing alone makes absolutely no sense.  a sure fire clear sign that girls are aliens.” – chrischoi

  
  

   

  
  

  “i lost my pants.  not in that fun way, either.” – rache

  
  

  “I think I am going to start telling people that my job is recreating scenes in history channel documentaries.  Isn’t that a neat job?  I could say, ‘Did you see the one about the early settlers?  I was the one on the porch churning the butter.’” – grrlgenius

  
  

  “If I could gather together all the Jennifers in the world (or variations of that name), I’d murder them all… even risking the eternal damnation of my soul within the fiery bowels of Hell… just so I could use the word ‘jennocide’” – TheHorseYouRode

  
  

  “Although it IS tempting, and I’m sure thrilling for you in some strange way, it’s NOT critical to use the crotch seam of your pants to strangle your poor cha-cha. (That’s Lil Kim’s job, and she gets paid to do it.) I mean, there’s a restriction of blood circulation going on down there!  Put your hands in your front pockets and adjust those cooter-crimping pants down a few inches.  Please.  Pretty, pretty, please.” – Midorisour

  
  

   

  
  

  “Ahhh, I’m now imagining the entire world tainted by just-pissed-with hands.” – linearpanda

  
  

   

  
  

  “If you ever want to cut your time at traffic court in half, before the court reporter lady starts punching in the Pythagorean Theorem into her Texas Instrument, let her know the balance of your checking or savings account.  Then she’ll add $100 to that and announces ‘That’s what you owe.’  Then you’ll be on your merry, panhandling way.” – cerveza

  
  

  “Yeah, I think I’ll stick with being myself. Which is to say, I can talk about the IMF AND lift up my school girl skirt and fuck you like a french whore.” – pinkdegas

  
  

  “Personally, I think a giant monolithic corporation shouldn’t have loopholes in its policy unless it wants them exploited.  Sadly, they believe otherwise.” – GoatSniper

  
  

   

  
  

  “When I lost my job I told Hubbard that I’d do anything I could to help his law practice.  So, now guess what he’s doing?  The other night he said, ‘It sure would help my law practice if you’d go get me some pie.’”  – just_margie

  
  

   

  
  

  “I would like to express my extreme dissatisfaction with the continued visual display for your ass cracks. I would like to go through my day seeing as little of strangers’ asses as possible, and you are preventing me from doing this. There is nothing sexy, cute, or stylish about the region of your body from which you defecate. Furthermore, I would like include in this request that you cease the showing of your thongs as well. I can handle a little leg strap, but when I can see the entire “V” of your V-string and then some, it’s time to buy a fucking belt unless you plan on doing some plumbing… and I don’t mean in the biblical sense.” – the_sibyl

  
  

   

  
  

  “I want to lie naked and coat myself with succulent lobster tails and feast upon myself for 24-hours straight whilst pretty, kilted carpenter boys top up my wine and warm my butter.” – karos

  
  

   

  
  

  “So then it’s time for the Great Coochie Spelunking Expedition. I wriggle down to the edge of the table, assume the position…and then the doctor says, ‘Oh…you’re shaved!’ rather brightly. It sounds like she’s waiting for a response…so I offer, ‘Uh…I lost at Scrabble.’ I think she was really confused. I didn’t offer explanation.” – the8rgrl

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  Shameless Self Promotion!

  
  

   

  
  

  My new website.

  
  

  

  • 9:04 pm
  • 72 Comments