January 22, 2004

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  TheGoddess’ Big Fat Obnoxious Reality TV Ratings

  
  

  I watch the trash so you don’t have to.

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé. Thing is, I don’t think actor Steve is a bad looking guy. Admittedly, watching him gyrate in his tighty-whiteys wasn’t much of a turn-on, but no one looks good in tighty-whiteys.  I look forward to his upcoming obnoxious antics once he meets the parents. 4 out of 5 smileys.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Average Joe 2: Hawaii. I can’t help but wonder what kind of pitch the NBC producers used to get these guys on the show. “We’ve got a new show in the works . . . we are looking for desperate, nerdy, excessively hairy, socially awkward virgins with really, really bad skin who are severely obese or anorexic thin and willing to be strung along by a shallow former model who, by the end of the show, will ditch you for a Fabio look-alike and shatter your self-confidence so irreparably that you will end up living out the rest of your pathetic life in your buddy’s basement, developing a romantic relationship with a female Sims character who looks strikingly similar to your mother.  Are you in?!” 3 out of 5 smileys.

  
  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  The Bachelorette. Meredith, still reeling from Bachelor Bob’s rejection, gets the opportunity to mend her broken her heart the old fashioned way: by breaking someone else’s.  Twenty-five men, either hoping that a TV appearance will jumpstart their acting career, or so desperate for a date that they’d subject themselves to public humiliation before a nationwide audience, are narrowed down to fifteen.  Meredith bores me, but at least she doesn’t do the stupid baby-talk like Trista. 2 out of 5 smileys.  And this isn’t because I’m bitter that I wasn’t chosen to be on The Bachelor with Bob. Really.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  American Idol. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of watching people who think they can sing, but can’t. I can’t sing worth crap, but I don’t go on national television with a scat version of Route 66.  The show is still amusing, but Simon’s zingers are becoming stale, and the absence of Clay Aiken makes this season of Idol only a shell of its former self.  3 out of 5 smileys.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  President Bush’s State of the Union Address. Somewhere in between approximately 3.4 hours of applause, President Bush, who is slightly more intelligent than Jessica Simpson but with much smaller boobs, manages to spend a few minutes blabbering about Iraq. Why does Bush pronounce the word “marriage” like “muuurge”? One out of 5 smileys.  And that smiley is only for Senator Kennedy’s reaction.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  The Real World 1,293,484: San Diego. Robin’s boobs, hot tubs, Robin’s boobs, house member hook ups, Robin’s boobs, binge drinking, Robin’s boobs, raging hormones matched only by raging jealousy, Robin’s boobs, and controversy surrounding alleged criminal acts that occurred in the house.  This show still entertains, even after all these years.  3 out of 5 smileys.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  The Apprentice. Dangle a dream job in front of sixteen zealous over-achievers, and watch each week as Donald Trump pushes one of ‘em to the brink of an emotional breakdown. “You’re fired!” Plus, ponder the enigma that is Donald Trump’s hair. Predictions: Ereka and Omarosa will become embroiled in a full-blown, no holds barred cat fight, and Looney Tunes Sam will have to be escorted off the set after refusing to leave once he’s terminated. 4 out of 5 smileys.

  
  

  
  

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  And In No Particular Order . . .

  
  

   

  
  

  I hate that I live in Virginia.  Actually, I love Virginia, but I hate the fact that there is another state beginning with V that comes before Virginia alphabetically.  I often find myself having to enter my address online, and when I get to the drop down menu of all the states, I can’t just type V and enter.  Oh no. I actually have to scroll down and select Virginia because stupid Vermont gets in the way.  It is my own laziness, I know, but you folks from states like Iowa, Montana, North Dakota and Wyoming know what Willis is talkin’ about.  A big FU to those of you from Alabama who benefit from the alphabetical order that dominates our way of life. Hmpfh.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  Unintentionally Funny Photo

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  This photo of Trista and Ryan actually appeared on the cover of People magazine.  Is it just me, or is he getting a handful of boob?

  
  

  
  

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  Why My Boyfriend is a “Little Bit Different”

  
  

  Part 2

  
  

   

  
  

  17. He is so frugal that when he ran out of clean underwear, he decided to wear the same pair of boxers for 48 hours straight. Why? Because it would have cost $2.50 to do a load of laundry at his apartment complex, but he could do it for free at my place if he waited until the weekend.

  
  

   

  
  

  18. He called me the next day to say that instead of wearing the dirty boxers, he opted for a clean pair of tighty whiteys. I suspect he did this only because I warned him I was going to post #17 on my website.

  
  

   

  
  

  19. His defense to this is that men do not secrete as much ball sweat in the wintertime. Point taken.

  
  

   

  
  

  20. We have conversations like this:

  
  

  
  

  Danielle: “Honey, why do you pile trash on top of the trash can lid?”

  
  

  The Boyfriend: “Because the trash can is full.”

  
  

  Danielle: “Well, why don’t you empty it?”

  
  

  The Boyfriend: *silence*

  
  

  
  

  
  

  21. He never closes kitchen cabinets.  I can leave him alone in the kitchen for only a few minutes, and when I return, all the cabinets will be open.  It is kind of like the kitchen scene in the movie Poltergeist, but creepier! 

  
  

  22. He doesn’t understand why the question “Is THAT what you are going to wear?” would start an argument.  

  
  

  23. He eats the moldy, left-over-from-Easter chocolate in my freezer.  Well, we think it is moldy.  The chocolate is covered in a white, powdery substance, which we think is mold or freezer burn.  At some point, doesn’t chocolate go bad? No matter, the Boyfriend still eats it.

  
  

   

  
  

  24. He argues with me about the appropriate cheese-to-cracker ratio.  Any sane person with normal taste buds would agree with me that it is very important to have a sufficient amount of cheese to cover the entire cracker.  The Boyfriend, however, prefers a 2 part cracker, 1 part cheese ratio.  This might be a deal breaker for me, folks.

  
  

   

  
  

  25. He sits down to pee. Why? “Because sometimes you need a rest.”

  
  

   

  
  

  26. He wants me to call him during [insert any trashy reality TV show here] so we can “watch the show together” over the phone. Unfortunately, he is unable to do two things at once — i.e., watch TV and talk to me at the same time – so we sit in silence until the commercial breaks, all while my long distance bill goes up.  He said it makes him feel “connected” to me or something.

  
  

   

  
  

  27. He thinks I’m a bad driver.

  
  

   

  
  

  28. Oh, wait . . . I am a bad driver.

  
  

   

  
  

  29. He’s a religious person, but it doesn’t bother him too much that he’s dating an agnostic heathen who, apparently, will spend all eternity burning in hell.

  
  

   

  
  

  30. He likes President Bush. *shudder*

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  In the “Sadly, This is Going to be Me Someday” Department . . .

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  These Xangans Are Funnier Than You

  
  

   

  
  

  “They say that girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice…what they don’t tell you is that when you consume all that, you get diahrrea.” – chrischoi 

  
  

   

  
  

  “I was going to start a story about a guy that wasn’t stuck to time/space.  He’d wander into a room to finish a conversation that no one had started yet.  Stuff like that.  But it confused me before I started it.” – MrLang

  
  

  “Pushed the on button. Nothing. Or should I should I say nada. Push it again rather firmly. Nothing. Nada. With a grrrr, push my blankie out of the way and waddle over to the set and physically turn it on. Oh the exertion. Push the channel buttons to abc. Planned to watch a little jeopardy to remind myself how smart I’m not. Waddled back and plopped down. I hear Alex say, Juan tiene ocho cientos y los seleccionará primero en el peligro doble que sigue esta rotura commerical. What the fuck. Or should I say, Qué la cogida. My remote doesn’t work and my tv is speaking spanish.” – LonaMay

  
  

  “Ok… this is why I should never be released near after Christmas sales… If it’s under $20 I HAVE to buy it.. regardless how cheesy or SCARY it may be. Though on the bright side I now own an 8 ft tall, inflatable man. And for a single girl like myself that’s very important.” – Texie

  
  

   

  
  

  “When I get married, I want to exchange vows in a pile of animal feces while Aunt Dora gets her lice picked at by a Belize howling monkey.  All the while, a group of 16 monkies will be less than 10 feet from the altar playing with their wangs.” – cerveza

  
  

   

  
  

  “I had to go to the McDonalds in Delhi and I had to take a picture of the menu. Come on. Nobody eats beef in that country. What could they serve? I ask you to note two things. The first, the menu has a “non-veg” option. That is, there is a separate section for meaty dishes, which is the exact opposite to here (vegetarian menu). The second thing is, check out the Indian version of a Big Mac. That’s right. You can’t go wrong with the Maharajah Mac”. – Tej

  
  

   

  
  

  “On the way home, just for kicks, I called Steve and pretended I was lost, that I’d gotten on the highway and gone to Lexington instead of home to Louisville. Now, he should have known better, as I have been lost about twice in my entire life. My secret super-hero identity is Captain Direction, and only those who know me well enough to lovingly treat my inner geek gently are allowed to be in the presence of the Capt.  Word.   Steve refers to me as General Direction, trying to be punny, but, you know…breaking ranks like that chaps me.” – eFairy

  
  

   

  
  

  “Remember that I bought that Michael Jackson CD last week and how I was worried about my eternal soul on account of the fact that he’s a lousy perv?” – just_margie

  
  

   

  
  

  “I have sunk to new lows. Kazaa has ruined me on porn. I actually watched a short thirty second clip last night of a 20ish female dressed in a diaper suck on an older woman’s breast like she was breast feeding. How I downloaded this I will never know, but I got it nonetheless. But, like porn always does, it got me thinking.” – studiorat

  
  

   

  
  

  “i feel like a sausage.” – noclevername

  
  

   

  
  

  “I was in the supermarket the other day and noticed that they carry a product called Anusol.  That’s right – Anus-ol.  I believe it’s something to relieve posterior discomfort.  And it would have to be extreme discomfort before I’d lay something called Anusol down in front of the cashier, let me tell you.  The best thing is that this particular box featured a notice that it now had an “Easier to open package!”  I would hope so – if my butt was so inflamed that I needed relief that badly, I’d probably want to be able to open the package pretty quickly, too.  Score one for the marketers – Anusol, in a supermarket near you.” – blueyoohoo

  
  

    

  
  

  “Did anyone close to you die? No, that’s a fart you smell.” – Dorfman

  
  

   

  
  

  

  • 9:20 am
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