December 11, 2003

• It Rocked My World

  
  

  (or maybe just my bathroom stall)

  
  

   

  
  

  Virginia experienced an earthquake on Tuesday afternoon.  I, of course, happened to be using the bathroom at the time.  I always figured if Mother Nature decided to do something interesting in Virginia, I’d find myself in a discommoding (pun intended) position. The stall door rattled and the toilet seat shook, and after ten seconds of rumbling, there was nothing but silence.  My first thought? “Damn, something is really wrong with the plumbing in this building!” But no, it was an earthquake.

  
  

   

  
  

  “Did anyone suggest, upon learning that you were taking a dump when the “earthquake” occurred, that the tremors were in fact caused by your sphincter?” – Bryan H.

  
  

   

  
  

  For the record, it was Number 1. Goddesses don’t do Number 2. Ever.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  Why My Boyfriend is a ‘Little Bit Different’

  
  

  a new series . . .

  
  

   

  
  

  Yes, you read that right.  TheGoddess, who used to embrace her Perpetual State of Boyfriendlessness, finally met a guy who doesn’t annoy her (that much).  Shocking, I know.  I think it works because he is almost as weird as I am.  Almost.  I’ve decided to keep a continuing list of all of his quirks as I learn more about him:

  
  

   

  
  

  1.                  He is obsessed with Mrs. Dash extra spice seasoning.  He puts it on everything. I mean everything.  Name a hot food (or even room temperature food), and he douses it with Mrs. Dash. The picture below is a secret snapshot I took of his cupboard.  There are ten (count ‘em, ten) bottles of Mrs. Dash in there!  In his defense, he pointed out that only seven them are actually bottles of Mrs. Dash extra spice seasoning.  The other three are bottles of Mrs. Dash tomato basil garlic that he bought on accident.  Oh, okay. That’s makes it less weird, then.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  2.                  He regularly uses abbreviations (that he makes up himself) in casual conversation. And he expects everyone to understand what the hell he’s talking about.

  
  

   

  
  

  3.                  He loves Tupperware. Before The Boyfriend, I never owned Tupperware.  Now I have a lot of it.  I haven’t used it yet, and I’m not exactly sure what it is used for, but when the need arises, I will be prepared.

  
  

   

  
  

  4.                  He believes that no food should ever be thrown away, no matter its expiration date. 

  
  

   

  
  

  5.                  He is anal retentive about folding laundry.  One weekend, The Boyfriend did laundry at my place.  Being the amazing, goddess-like girlfriend that I am, I decided to fold it for him while he was watching football in the other room.  Big mistake.  Apparently, boxer shorts must be folded length-wise, in thirds.  Socks must be rolled up like a sleeping bag before being balled up.  And he has a special way of folding t-shirts, but a totally different way of folding undershirts.

  
  

   

  
  

  6.                  He rarely takes off his socks. 

  
  

   

  
  

  7.                  He compliments me in French.

  
  

   

  
  

  8.                  He doesn’t speak French.

  
  

   

  
  

  9.                  He was personally offended when I said the port wine cheese he bought looked like bloody cow brains.  A little sensitive, eh?

  
  

   

  
  

  10.              The movie Rocky makes him teary-eyed, each time he watches it.  And he’s seen it over 50 times.

  
  

   

  
  

  11.              He knows all commercial jingles and sings along with them.

  
  

   

  
  

  12.              He spent an entire night out wearing new jeans without realizing he forgot to remove the size sticker off the back of the pants leg.  

  
  

   

  
  

  13.              He likes McDonald’s almost as much as I do. Almost.

  
  

   

  
  

  14.              He thinks I’m sexy even when I’m sick, snotty & congested.

  
  

   

  
  

  15.              The first night we met, he drank way too many tequila shots, even though he doesn’t usually drink.  He says he did it to impress me.

  
  

   

  
  

  16.       He knows I’m writing this about him on the internet and he doesn’t find it weird. Well, not too weird.

  
  

   

  
  

  To be continued . . .

  
  

  
  

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  POLL: Where is the worst place to get a zit?

  
  

   

  
  

  There are two schools of thought on this one. On the one hand, the “worst place” might be the most painful place, like getting those zits in your inner ear (not that I’ve ever had one). On the other hand, the “worst place” might be the most embarrassing place, where it is more easily noticed by others (not that I’ve ever had one).  My opinion falls into the latter category.  I’d take a painful, hidden zit over a prominently displayed one any day (not that I’ve ever had one).

  
  

   

  
  

  However, I believe there is a subset to the embarrassment factor analysis. The worst place to get a zit is a place where it could be confused as something other than a zit.  My point is this: if you get a zit on your chin, the tip of your nose, or smack-dab in the middle o’ your forehead, everyone will notice it. But they will also notice that it is a zit.  In contrast, if you get a zit on your lip line, speculation as to your recent herpes outbreak will be the topic of water cooler discussions in your office.  Similarly, if you get a zit on the edge of your nostril, it could easily be confused for a hideous booger.  That kind of zit is so much worse.

  
  

   

  
  

  “Always remember that I’ll love you no matter how big and grotesque that zit gets.” – The Boyfriend

  
  

   

  
  

  For the record, nothing inspired this section of my blog. Nothing at all. My skin is completely clear right now. Really.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  Uhm . . .

  
  

   

  
  

  Andy Griffith made a CD of Christmas songs.  Someone hold me, I’m scared.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  I’m a Recovering Reality TV Addict

  
  

   

  
  

  <rant>

  
  

   

  
  

  I used to love reality TV.  You know, back in the day, when it was real. Unscripted.  No more, though.  For example, on The Simple Life, Paris Hilton (yes, I finally got the video clip) said she doesn’t know what Wal- Mart is. She admitted later (off camera, of course) that she has, in fact, heard of Wal-Mart, but she was “playing dumb” for TV.  And then there was Joe Millionaire 2.  Sure, we were willing to suspend our disbelief and accept the unlikely premise that the lovely Linda from the Czech Republic wanted to be with the dumb cowboy.  But do you really expect me to believe that she left David standing at the altar – er, at the set, only to “surprise” him after the show by appearing “unannounced” in Texas to tell David that she changed her mind and couldn’t live without him?! That it wasn’t staged by Fox execs in order to give JM2’s lagging ratings a big boost? Yeah, and I’m sure Linda had no idea that Fox would give her the $250,000.

  
  

   

  
  

  And then there was Average Joe. Honestly, I liked the premise, and the twist. But the end pissed me off.  And not because Melana picked Pretty Boy.  I was annoyed that Melana intentionally led Pretty Boy to believe she wasn’t going to pick him.  The sad eyes. The pouty face.  The “I’m sorry, but . . . I’M PICKING YOU!” crap.  Even worse was how she intentionally led Mush Mouth to believe she was going to pick him.  The coy smile. The sweet compliments. Then WHAM! He’s on the bus.  But the official time of death of my love for reality TV occurred at 10:55 p.m., when Pretty Boy was boarding the plane, and he turned around to flash the camera (close up head shot, of course) a perfect smile. If he were a cartoon, you would have seen once of those star thingys on his front teeth. Ding!

  
  

   

  
  

  I’ll still watch Survivor, though. Only because I want to get on the show.

  
  

   

  
  

  /<rant>

  
  

  
  

  
  

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  Hysterical Xanga Quotations: The Mega Installment!

  
  

  Why? ‘cuz you bitches so damn funny, that’s why!

  
  

   

  
  

  Some of these are a bit old, but I haven’t posted in awhile.

  
  

  At least you know I’m reading!

  
  

   

  
  

  “No one is asking the more obvious question: ‘What if someone cloned Sarah from a tampon applicator?’” – pinkdegas

  
  

   

  
  

  “People who are anti sweatshops are pro poverty and anti clothes!  Totally not cool.” – sororitygirl

  
  

  “I got a letter from my doctor telling me my cholesterol count was 373.  I’m thinking that must have been a mistake.  Isn’t that the equivalent of having Crisco for blood?  I’m not the portrait of a health nut, but I try to take care of myself.  I rarely put salt on my french fries, I drink light beer, when I have a smoke it’s usually a light or ultra light, and I always choose Original Recipe over Extra Crispy because any fool knows that’s the healthy way to go.  There must have been some mix-up at the lab.  Just to be on the safe side though, I’m going to watch more of those exercise shows on TV.” – Dorfman

  
  

  “’buttplug, gently used.’” – rache

  
  

   

  
  

  “Moving on to the good thing that happened this week.  I worked for no money again!  People are always asking me “Hey Michelle, why are you working all these events when the school doesn’t pay you?”  And the answer is that catering provides me with innumerable vectors to spread Salmonella.” – Smarticus

  
  

   

  
  

  “Ever notice on car commercials it says, ‘Closed course. Professional Driver.’ I want to see ‘Public Street. Blindfolded Driver.’” - PopeOnABomb

  
  

  “Why does Woody Allen still get to make movies?  He can’t retire soon-yi enough for me.” – blueyoohoo

  
  

  “My retirement strategy is based upon teaching my daughter to win the World Series of Poker.” - JeffTurner

  
  

  “You would think that winter and farting have nothing to do with each other.  But nothing would be further from the truth.” - goofycaca

  
  

  “Why is it that I feel the need to be funny and amuse, when what I really want to do is sit on my bed kicking and screaming, or, better yet, running after the milkman, kicking and screaming nevertheless. We don’t actually have a milkman, of course, but I’m saying if we did. If we did, he’d have broad shoulders and a damn fine, expressive ass. He’d have a smooth, velvety skin, big, expressive hands, and a deep, husky voice because I simply won’t settle for anything less.  But as I was saying, we don’t have a milkman, currently. I think I may have scared the last one to death, but I can’t be sure. Maybe he’s just resting.”  - incrediblequirk

  
  

  “The class started discussing the squirrel murders they committed, and I felt totally awful for bringing it up at all.” – heyjulsiscoo

  
  

   

  
  

  “To pubes or not to pubes.” – christina5683

  
  

   

  
  

  “Useless trivia – bring it on.  It’ll stick to my brain cells like super glue.  Did you know that Tommy Shaw from Styx used to love Big Macs?  Or that Steve Perry from Journey used to have the nickname Beaky?  How about the fact that Dr. Solomon’s phone number was (310) 390-5241?  Nevermind that he’s dead and can’t answer you now.”  – Cardinal_Fang

  
  

   

  
  

  “Nothing like being humped by your direct supervisor to help break the ice at a new job…” – GoatSniper

  
  

   

  
  

  “This study has found that students were 2-3 times more likely to be sexually active if they drank frequently, smoked cigarettes, or used marijuana. so… if i smoke weed a lot im 2-3 times more likely to get laid!? wahooooo!! bring on the sticky icky!” – menelaus22

  
  

   

  
  

  “Tonight I was running late, due mainly to a driver with a license plate that read KATIEKT.  Apparently miss Katie Katie likes to use green lights as a period of reflection rather than a time to drive.” – grrlgenius

  
  

  “When I was five, my sister brutally murdered my hamsters, Alfy and Iggy. Alfy (or was it Iggy?) was trampled to death while attending Lisa’s Gymnastics School for Hamsters (i.e. My sister jumping on the bed with the little rodent). Iggy (or was it Alfy?) died shortly after. Cause: Broken heart.” – MyOtherRideIsYourDad

  
  

  “Now if you’d excuse me, I’m gonna download some Snoop Dogg to up my ability to decipher the hexadecimal register table in a x86 core dump in order to pinpoint the failing instruction within a ring-3 memory segment accompanied by the precise address within the hypothetica 4 GB address space.  Nerdizzle mah shizzle.” – OhMyNerd

  
  

  “Ever have such a bad morning that you have to go buy shoes on your lunch hour?” – timbrat

  
  

   

  
  

  “While on the topic of work, I’ve decided that it’s time to re-decorate my office space.  I’m thinking a Quentin Tarantino meets Olympic Gardens meets Snoopy on Ice.  But that’s just something I’m tossing around.” – cerveza

  
  

   

  
  

  “Later while eating at the SAC I learned that Michelangelo was in fact the sexiest of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Raphael in second place. This information was brought to you by the five extremely loud girls sitting at the table next to mine.” – PretentiousScreenName

  
  

   

  
  

  “But the weird thing about that was it wasn’t a scary dream per se, but it did have the bad guy in it (who I thought was cute, until, you know, I realized he was one of Satan’s minions.)” – punkdiva

  
  

  “Today, I am the ‘is it just me’ comedian, not to be mistaken for the “what’s up with that” comedian. I will name a variety of personal mental malfunctions, and see if they’ve happened to you. This post will attempt to capitalize on the “it’s funny because it’s true” theorem, and will wow you with such acute observations. Unless it really is just me.” – jroo

  
  

  “I just came from the doctor’s office and this thought came to me as I was sitting in the waiting room: Do hot chicks get sick?  In my 26 years of infrequent doctor visits, I’ve never seen a hot chick at the doctor’s office.  Not one.  Do hot chicks not get sick?  Or is there a secret place where all the hot chicks go when they’re ill?  Inquiring minds want to know.” – thechun

  
  

   

  
  

  “we admire people who make balloons. don’t you think they have the best blow jobs ever?” – virgilmvx

  
  

   

  
  

  “i’d be filled with self-loathing if i weren’t such an egotistical prick.” – BrokenSeason

  
  

   

  
  

  “Good looking people don’t poop.” – misshappyangel

  
  

   

  
  

  “bottomline….mario brothers is some sick twisted jerry springer fantasy land full of rabid turtles, oompa loopas, and an ambiguously gay duo.” – chrischoi

  
  

   

  
  

  “Ah, relief. My period was still uncontrollable but as least I had a book between my legs to fight it.” – SheSeemsSweet

  
  

   

  
  

  “OMG I AM SO POPULAR!!!!!  Thanks to an informative comment by Pajan, I have been quoted by ‘thegoddess’  HOLY SHIT they’ll need to shampoo my seat tonight!” – plumpossum

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

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  Happy Holidays!

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

  • 10:20 pm
  • 76 Comments