October 23, 2003
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Help Danielle Win a Million Bucks Without Her Getting Fat
Just when I’m finally being good about my diet, Evil McDonald’s comes along and tempts me with its Monopoly Game. Each time they’ve had this game, I end up collecting all the pieces except for one in each set. I know the odds of winning are against me (to collect & win the million, the odds are 1 in 272,955,000). If the game is not marred by a scamming employee again, the winning piece will probably be tossed in le garbage by an unwitting fast food patron. But maybe, just maybe, this time will be different because of your help.
See, I’ve got this theory. Most people go to the same McDonald’s locations over and over. Makes sense, right? Why drive to another town to indulge in the salty goodness that is McDonald’s French fries if you can get them nearby? Realizing this, I think the crafty powers-that-be at Mickey D’s disperse strategically certain pieces to different parts of the country to decrease the likelihood that someone will be able to collect the full set. In other words, all the Baltic Avenue pieces are sent to Florida, while all the Mediterranean Avenue pieces are sent to California. So this is where you (yes, you) come in. Send me your pieces!
Will I share the million with you? Or the plasma HDTV? Or the Best Buy Bucks? Or the Hummer? Hell no. (Well, I’d let you have the Hummer, only because it is butt ugly and I could never say the name with a straight face). But I am willing to offer to you my growing stack of coupons for a free McFlurry. And my never-ending gratitude. If that weren’t reason enough, with your assistance, I’d be able to cut back on my embarrassingly frequent trips to the McDonald’s drive-thru, and my ass will maintain its normal human proportions:
Danielle’s Ass* Before Monopoly:
*not Danielle’s real ass, but close enough.
Danielle’s Ass After Monopoly:
McDonald’s Monopoly Missing Game Pieces Count: 13
Pieces Danielle still needs: Boardwalk, Park Place, Short Line, Pennsylvania Avenue, Ventnor Avenue, Kentucky Avenue, Tennessee Avenue, Virginia Avenue, States Avenue, Connecticut Avenue, Vermont Avenue, Reading Railroad, and Mediterranean Avenue.
Incidentally, would you go digging in a McDonald’s dumpster in search of discarded Monopoly game pieces? No? Uhm, yeah . . . I wouldn’t either.
Xangans I’m Quoting to Overcompensate for My Short Blog
“I had gnocchi for dinner tonight. It was gnice.” – arnie_flangehead
“Sympathy cards should not make people cry. They should not say “our prayers are with you” because a) If you had prayed hard enough they wouldn’t be dead, b) if they were going to die anyways, praying doesn’t help. Alot of times they also say, “we’re sorry.” Unless you killed them, please do not apologize. Why on earth are there no light-hearted sympathy cards?! Or at least an “it’s better this way” card! The person’s already crying and they don’t need your sappy card to make them feel worse.” – plumpossum
“Two things I learned today: Never try to pierce your own lip. Sure, it would look cool, but it hurts. Alot. Or maybe I`m just a wuss. Also, no matter how much you`re craving a cigarette, don`t smoke paper torn out of a magazine.” – DietCokeSarcasm
“Third, I am VERY uncomfortable being naked. VERY! Even alone! Not because of my body. Because I’ve a fear of someone bursting in on me, and I’ll have to fight nekkid. I hate that thought.” – ReverendDel
“Oh yeah, I have changed my mind about wanting a vagina” – studiorat
“So I found a urinal. And then, my brain was like ‘OH MAN!!!! I’M PEEING RIGHT NOW!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!! IT FEELS REALLY GREAT TO PEE RIGHT NOW!!!!!! 5/5 FOR SURE!!!’ And then it was over. The rest of the night, I could feel my bladder returning to its normal size, and my brain was going ‘REMEMBER WHEN YOU REALLY HAD TO PEE, AND THEN YOU PEED???!!!??!! THAT WAS TREMENDOUS!!!!!’” – beek
“I’m not looking for happily ever after poon.” – cptcrunch
“$80 later the vet at the kittyER tells us that he essentially bit his lip. HARD. I’m looking at my cat thinking, “You bit through your fucking lip, dude? How dumb can you be?” He’s looking up at me hissing because there is a thermometer in his ass.” – toooldforthis
“I fell in love with a mullet. Nothing a pair of scissors and some TGIF hair wax can’t fix.” – midorisour
“Let me give you a tip: Read advertisements very carefully. A mediation course is a very different thing to a meditation course. It’s very uncomfortable to be the only one in saffron robes in a room full of suits.” – arnie_flangehead (yeah, I quoted him twice)
Comments (63)
Good heavens! I’ll save you, I’ll save you…I swear to Hamburgler, if I come across a piece you need, it’s yours. No one should have to pay for two seats in coach if it can be at all avoided.
They should make one of the Mcdonald’s prizes a year at Ballys or one of those other gyms that has those commericials where all these really fit people sweat a lot and by the end of the commericial you’re not sure if you want to work out or if you’re just really horny.
EVIL!
don’t you hate how they try to give you free food to compensate? you can’t pass that up, of course, that’d be wasteful.
it’s a plot by the mole people to make us too fat and lazy to get up to fight them.
ah. the elusive danielle…
i love how you can always find the best quotes in xanga. hope you’re doing well.
hugS.
how many different blogs do you read?
what if mcdonald’s just prints one of every missing piece you have? and the chances of finding that one person is slim to nothing?
Haha if I find a good Monopoly piece I will send it your way (maybe). Maybe if you have one I don’t have, and I have one you don’t have, we can come up with something. It will be good times.
Your after-ass is hott. I like when people with less-than-perfect bods wear cheetah gear. Groooowl.
My biology teacher played the monopoly game a lot too. Now he has man-tits.
Great! Now I’m fucking hungry.
Huh, I never got into the Monoply game much…but I love McDonalds! I need to lay off or my ass will look like that too!
McD’s is having that stupid game again? You know no one wins those! But I would totally help you out, I mean, you’re the Goddess! But you never said where to send them. Haha, just joking, posting your address online is like taking off all of your clothes at a frat party and going “hey perverts over here!” *meditates on this* Yeah, I lost my point…. *thinks of Big Mac combo* Yup, it’s gone…
This year’s Monopoly game sounds pretty cool. Not that I’d actually get anything. On my rare excursions to McDonald’s, I don’t super-size anything.
Besides, I think we get geographically similar pieces.
Excellent quotes!
I love you, Purpley girl, but damn you and your creamy, quotey goodness! Just when I had my SIR down to 125 *snort* you make me add people.
I remember hearing once how they DO send the game pieces to different areas of the country… good luck with your game… if I went to Mickey D’s, you could have mine, but unfortunately I can’t stand the place.
Funny f*ckin’ quotes!
I really liked your site!
Just when I was wondering when you’d show up again, I finally get my goddess fix. *beam*
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny…
Crikry, goddess, those quotes are priceless.
Since I don’t go to McDonald’s anymore I can’t help you get any Monopoly pieces but I’ll be your personal cheerleader in exchange for the Hummer if you win. I’m good at creating cheers. Too bad my high school cheerleading squad didn’t think so.
Hey, isn’t it nice to have somebody you don’t know leaving you comments and giving you eProps? Like, yesterday, I was just talking to my friend at lunch, during work..and he said, “I think that it’s so cool when somebody you don’t know, takes the time to write you something really unique. Like, you’d read it, you might go, ‘Aww..that’s so nice of this person..’ “. I have decided to leave you this comment so hopefully you’d get the same effect. Because, don’t you hate it whenever you get a random prop-giver to leave a comment on your entries? Well, you’ll get the very typical, “Hey, just browsing through xanga, and I saw your page..blah blah”, or you might just get, “Man, your page is pretty cool”, even though you know they didn’t read it. I don’t know..I think that is so funny. And, after you think about it for a while..and realize that it’s so true..and it happens all the time…doesn’t it just make sense to stand out among everybody else, and leave a very warm, welcome comment on somebody’s page. Now, with me, I have decided to do just that by typing out this LONG message to you..and hopefully giving you something to think about.
I don’t support McDonald’s and there devastating plot to take over the world with enormously large people– starting with our children, of all things! (remember the McMighty Kids meal- have you looked around at the fat things we call children, who are developing coronary problems at the age of 8!?!) Bastards!!! However strongly I feel about McDonalds brutal take over, I do support your efforts! After all, you are the Goddess…and, if you win, at least you will be getting something from those Bastards!!!
Go Danielle!!!!
Haha..you’re addicted! but so am i!! your theory might be correct because I can never ever get all the pieces no matter how hard I try. good luck!
I think you may be in need of a McDonald’s intervention. It involves electro-shock and a whole lot of tofu.
hahaha, I am hoarding all of your missing pieces…..
..okay, maybe not..but it was fun to make you scramble and drop those fries..
Say put a tree in your butt, put a bumble bee in your butt, put a clock in your butt, put a big rock in your butt, say put some fleas in your butt, say start to sneeze inyour butt, say put a tin can in your butt, put a little tiny man in your butt, say put a light in your butt, say make it bright in your butt, say put a TV in your butt, say put me in your butt, everybody say BOOGIE IN YOUR BUTT! — Eddie Murphy
Man, that Monopoly game is like crack, isn’t it?!?
Or, there’s always Plan B. Keep going to McDonalds, purposely hogging out on all that fat until you’re the size of a VW bus. Then, you can sue McDonalds because they caused your fatness and they’ll settle with you out of court for a few million dollars. Forget the game; seek fatness and a nice settlement.
AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! This entry has me hysterical. Those quotes are so good, and the McDonald’s Monopoly game is ALL my boyfriend has been talking about all week. I was thinking of sharing your theory with him, but then again, no.
Oh man, I haven’t had McDonald’s fries in … years! Don’t tempt me now!!
Sorry…would try to help ya BUTT the last time I went to get something at McD’s was only for a drink. Haven’t eaten anything from there in quite a while…two years? Have seen ads for some kind of new beef and cheese sandwich I MIGHT try out, but I’m not sure if the Monopoly game is the same as yours if it is going on in Canada and Quebec.
Got sick of McD’s and Canadian chain Harveys. can tolerate Wendys and Burger King once in a while if I got to go to a fast food place with friends.
How did we meet again? Saw you on my list of subs to me a while back. Did I comment to you first or you did me?
I played the game but did not want to risk my butt being any more of a ghetto booty than it already is… and that whole… McD’s food thing.. ICK
i’m on the case. just send me your address so i know where to send my pieces/ stalk you. please note that i refrained from using a humer joke.
hahah you are really funny! i cracked up reading your site this morning. thanks!
-melanie
Hey, if I lived in the States, I’d be happy to help.
LMAO (appropriately) at the before and after Ass Shots.
Hey – where did you get that “after” picture of me? I thought I had gotten all those photos back damnit!
No wonder Americans are fat. McDonald’s pulls out the Monopoly game and before you can say “Big Mac,” I have all but one of the pieces in every color of the gameboard. They even made the gameboard easier to carry. But hey, I have Pennsylvania Railroad! Maybe we should split the OARS Whitewater Adventure!
*dies of happiness at your floppishly bouncing eProp arrangement* The 2eProps look like little persony breasts *glues hands and eyes to own mammary-bits*
*bounces around your Xanga*
If the hummer you really will give me, my help you will have
Also I will need your address…and yes I will stalk you
woog! Thank God Macs promised to delete the trans stuff from the fries. Have you seen the new ghetto-opoly? peace
The last McDonalds game I can remember that I “played” was during the era of the Chicken Salad Oriental, when one of the advertising campaigns involved a song which recited, basically, the entire menu. The song was distributed on flimsy vinyl records, and the winner of the sweepstakes would be whoever possessed the record with a complete recording. On most records, the McDonalds Menu Song singers fell apart at the very end, rendering the masses just as poor as they always had been, but a little hungrier after hearing the McDonalds menu set to a catchy jingle. I did not win.
I now throw those Monopoly pieces away immediately. I think I still find some of those things from years gone by in the drawers of my desk.
Oh, but I’ll take all the Best Buy bucks! I didn’t even know they were on there until my friend told me… I threw away like 3 bucks already! =/
If I ate there, I’d contribute – love the pix, though. That’s fucking hilarious!
I dunno, think we’re gonna need some photgraphic evidence of your heiny first
Nice ass.
*gag*
Yeah, I gave up my monoplogy quest after the last round – too salty to stick with it & win!
more posts! more posts! more posts! Just thought I’d share my feelings.
Wei
I’ll save you! To the Batcave!
Jennifer
TRY EBAY!!
Y would i send u my game pieces when i can kepp them and win u should send your to me there muhahhaha ME!
hmmm…nice ass….hmmm…how does it feel to have a stranger say that to you?
…also purple rocks!!!
~Always wear your sunscreen~ Chou
Ronald mcdonald is the devil..
omg, those ass pics … well the last one, is sooo disturbing
You know what, I think you’re right about the way they deal out thos Monopoly parts. I never thought of that!!! You’re brilliant!
I also didnt realize that they had started that Monopoly game again. Wasn’t advertised in Canada yet. Maybe thats why.
Almost a month with no smart ass ramblings from the goddess… Did you win a million bucks at Monopoly, and decide that you were too good for all of your readers? Or did you try too hard to win a million, and thereby grew your ass to such large proportions that you can’t fit in front of your computer? Hmmm… I hope it’s the former. For your sake…
<LABEL id=HbSession SessionId=”497913289″>No matter how many times I visit, your site just gets better and better. I’ll know it’s time to stop when I actually start peeing my pants!
Okay it’s been a month. It’s time for an update.
I can cover Asheville and western NC but i definetly want a hummer if you win first prize. And I don’t mean the kind that Aaahnold owns
hee hee… I would have never thuogh of that, Danielle! It makes perfectly good sense… I completly understand your theory!
Loved the before and after shots – I bet McDonald’s would not care for it though….
Thanks for quoting other xangans…you have introduced me to some very interesting people.
All I have to say is “LOL!!!!” This entry made me laugh really hard. Thank you.
Funniest. Xanga quotes. Ever.
We forgive you for the short blog.
alright.. where the fu*k do i send all these monopoly pieces i’ve been collecting… you did get a po box right?