September 29, 2003
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Family Birthday Traditions
The Regifting of the Reception Sticks. Many years ago, I went to
She says she’s going to save it for my wedding gift.
Hallmark Cards Inappropriate for the Occasion. Picture this: Mother’s Day, 1998. I go into a card shop to pick out a card for Mom. There was an angry crowd blocking the Mother’s Day section. Out of frustration, I grabbed the closest card I saw. I think it was a “Congratulations on Your New Baby Boy!” card. Ever since, I always give my family members cards that don’t match the occasion. You get bonus points for out-of-season cards because it requires advance planning. Example: giving a Valentine’s Day card for someone’s birthday in mid-August. Mom and my brother Justin both had birthdays last week. Mom got a Happy Halloween card. Justin received a Happy Kwanzaa card.
Xangans on . . . Men
“They don’t use any instruments, but you would not know the difference – they have one guy that makes all the instrumentation noises needed. All with his mouth. Gosh – his girlfriend must be really, really lucky.” – AbbyNormal
‘If you can’t remember her birthday, but you’ve got the Baywatch season premiere in your Palm Pilot, we’re going to feel jilted. Unless you’re the dude from Memento, I don’t think this is too much to ask. Christ, even he jotted things down every once in a while.’ – jroo
‘So there I was, a woman torn between her passion to good documentaries and her spousal duties. Torn, torn, torn.” – IncredibleQuirk
“I have a really distinct memory of sitting in the backseat with Jason and for some reason I had one of those finger condoms in my pocket, the ones you use to keep from getting papercuts. I pulled it out and put it on my finger. I turned to him, grinned, and then said with a serious face, ‘Hey, I’ve got a condom.’ He didn’t laugh. Guys never laugh at small penis jokes.” – pinkdegas
I haven’t shaved my legs in two days. I skipped shaving this morning, thinking I’d wear pants, but I nixed that outfit because of its unexpected, ass-widening properties. I opted for an ankle-length skirt today, but when I cross my legs, and if you look really, really, really close (not that anyone would), you can see the stubble. I’m not a very hairy person, but I can’t believe how fast the hair on my legs grows during the summer. I bet if I let it go another week, and I’ll be able to French braid it. TheGoddess Fashion Tip #229: Show more cleavage to divert attention from gorilla legs.
10 Reasons Why Fraidy Cat Annoys Me
1. I have a huge bed, but she has a knack lounging on the precise spot that makes me the most uncomfortable.
2. She always has to see my face when I’m sleeping. I don’t get this at all. Each time I turn over in bed, she gets up and jumps to the other side.
3. She’s a kleptomaniac. Whenever I’m missing ponytail holders, pens, highlighters, makeup, or my watch, nine times out of ten, she has hidden it under my bed.
4. She drinks from the toilet. I thought that was a dog thing.
5. She can be entertained for hours just by watching the second hand on the wall clock.
6. She sits on the ledge of my tub and watches me shower. Perverted kitty!
7. When I make my bed, she hides underneath and attacks my feet.
8. When I’m working at home, she always sits on the papers I need.
9. When I lay out a dark suit on my bed in the morning, by the time I return from my shower, it is coated with cat hair.
10. She meows angrily every time I pee. I wonder if that is related to # 4.
Xangans on . . . Pets
“And on the Seventh Day, Dog Dragged Its Butt round On the Living Room Floor And Lo, It Was Disgusting” – RabidSquirrel
“My day is off to a shitty start. Both of my cats have diarrhea. I don’t want to go into all of the details, I guess I am in denial.” – MonsVenus
Apparently, I’m playing a little game with the office cleaning staff called “Hide the Trashcan.” No one actually informed me that we were playing, but every morning when I come into my office, my trash can is in a different place. You’d think after four months, they would have run out of hiding places, but they’re crafty! You’d also think after four months, I’d remember we are playing the game, but each morning I throw my empty yogurt container on the floor where the trash can is supposed to be. Last week, I tried hiding the trashcan under my computer desk, but either (a) that’s not part of the game, or (b) my hiding spot was too difficult, because they just didn’t empty the trashcan. Sore losers!
Why Japan is Number One
Or, See . . . People DO Read My Blog!
Michelle: awhile back, you posted something about public restrooms and your problems with them on your blog. I read it the other day, and thought you needed to know about some toilet innovations in
Michelle: Last but not least, they have something that will alleviate the principle concern you voiced—they have these things that look like intercom boxes on the wall by the TP. you push the button, and for about 30-45 seconds, there is a loud flushing noise emitted from the box (the toilet is NOT flushing, its just white noise to cover up *other* noises). no one ever has to know what happened.
Read the Potty Blog HERE.
“I’d like to take this moment to discuss the importance
of the courtesy flush.” – thechun
Channel Surfing with the Goddess
“I love women who like me. That’s a big turn on.” – Adam from The Real World. *CLICK* Bennifer is no more. *CLICK* New Goldfish Crackers jingle: And they’re made with real cheddar / They never have looked better / Bet you never thought one day / you’d eat a purple Goldfish. Actually, I had no doubts whatsoever. *CLICK* Sue Johanson, the old lady on Oxygen’s Talk Sex, scribbles notes before her callers even begin describing their problems. What is she writing?! *CLICK* Ben and J-Lo are back. *CLICK* Anyone who didn’t see any of the “twists” on Paradise Hotel coming deserved to be booted off. *CLICK* “ONE! LOUSY! THUMB!” That line from the Arby’s commercial cracks me up every time. Often I randomly interject this line into conversation, and that gives me the giggles, but it seems no one else finds it very funny. *CLICK* Ben and Jen: Are they or aren’t they? *CLICK* Did the blonde virgin on The Bachelor really say that she wanted to marry Bob and become his servant?! *CLICK* Who’s in charge of naming hurricanes? Fabian? Henri?! Isabel?! Hurricanes need to have intimidating names like Butch, Spike or Danielle. Actually, there was a hurricane Danielle in 1998. I remember my mom cut out all the headlines from the paper: “Danielle wrecks havoc on the East Coast” and “Locals Brace for Danielle.” That kicked ass. *CLICK* If I hear one more reporter mimic Arnold Schwarzenegger’s accent and/or make a bad pun about his movie Total Recall when discussing California’s recall election, I’m going to throw my TV out the window. Okay, maybe I won’t do that . . . but I’ll angrily change the channel.
I really love these new Anne Klein slides I bought, but sometimes they make farting noises when I walk around the office. I know it is just air pockets, but I’d still like to yell to the nearby secretaries, “That’s not me! It’s my shoes!” I think that would make me look more guilty. I swear, though, it is the SHOES!
Best of the Worst Unsolicited Porn Instant Messages
I’ve Received This Week
(links deleted)
Riley Maurice 74: Hi jmugoddess! Cum Ride The Bang Bus For FREE! NO credit Card Needed! Whores getting picked up off the street used and abused in the back of the van then kicked to the curb!
Camile Rivard 6: Hi jmugoddess! FREE Amateur Ashley! Remember that bitch in high school who seemed like she was nailing everyone except you? Click here to Say hello to Ashley
Phyllis432106307: Hi! My name is Phyllis and I’m an exhibistionist [sic]. I show my pussy everywhere! Don’t believe? Click here and see yourself!
Justdorfman: wow, for a moment I was chatting with you and Daff at the same time . . . sort of a naughty Xanga dream of mine.
Oops! That last one was from Dorfman. My bad!
More Evidence That I’ve Been Molested By Disney Characters
This was from our Disney trip a year ago, but Mom just got this roll of film developed. Isn’t Tigger’s paw a bit too close to my boobal region?!!
See previous evidence HERE
Comments (65)
You are truly brilliant.
You do have your boobal region thrust into his chest though…..
showing more cleavage will divert attention from almost anything – trust me!
And why do you get all the good porn IM’s; I always get the crap that doesn’t even pretend to be interesting, sheesh.
Maybe Tigger thought copping a feel would look more innocent coming from a large cartoon tiger…?
Reading a new blog from TheGoddess, and watching “Trading Spaces: They Hated It” – my night is now perfect!
Amazing. I enjoy every word of your blogs, and I’m not even going to complain that they aren’t that frequent… yeah, it’s the rapier wit.
Your ability to find the funniest stuff that other Xangans say is incredible…
m{eye}k
you are such a xangan breath of fresh air… **coughbrilliantcough**
hugS.
Love it! I absolutely love this blog! I’d give you ten eprops
This is why I don’t watch TV… and how come you get all the good porn, huh?
So if I get a job at Disneyland I can cop a feel???
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Henry Rollins has a whole bit where he talks about the wussy names they give hurricanes. He said that El Niño should have been called “The Motherfucker” or “The First Four Black Sabbath Albums”. It’d be hot to see Tom Brokaw standing in the ruins of downtown Baltimore, saying with a straight face “The wreckage that lies behind me bears witness to the devastating power of The First Four Black Sabbath Albums”.
Hope you had a happy b-day…just wanted to leave you some props and a comment before you have 80 million of them…
Oh, and after reading your blog, I’d consider moving to Japan, just to use their public toliets.
I guess my cat blogs were entiresly too long ago to be mentioned here.
I love the mitt from the Arby’s commercials too. “What do you mean I don’t have a nose!?!! AAAHHHH I don’t have a nose!” “AAAHHH I don’t have ears!” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I noticed MY toilet blog didn’t get mentioned either. Of course mine was about blogging while on the toilet.
One last thing. Apparently you’re getting the porn messages from all the smart spammers. Mine are always filled with spelling errors. Which suggests to me that it’s not very classy porn. Which REALLY suggests to me that there’s no such thing as classy porn. But I’ll keep up my search at the local video store and keep you informed, just in case.
i laughed until i cried. it seemed unfathomable that i could laugh more at something than reading one of your blogs… but then you had links to two more of your blogs!
oh, it was a night of laughter for this poor student.
thanks.
oh my goodness, how i laugh!
That was one hell of a blog!! You truly are a goddess!
I too have a cat and so can completely empathize…
The birthday gift thing rock.. my mom and I try to embarass each other with gifts every Christmas– she won last year with a tee- shirt that stated “I’d fight for my country, I’d die for my country, but when the pussy is gone I’m outta here”. Moms are cool.
at least you aren’t in California. then you’d see all the arnold shit all the time, like i do.
wait, i don’t watch TV.
nevermind.
Gee,when you sit down to blog you really pile on the subjects.
I always enjoy the laughs.
Watch out for those disney characters,they might say they didnt know there hand was on your breast…but inside they are cheering that they got to feel up another visitor.
Tigger will be the first to tell you he likes things that are bouncy.
Never before have I been remotely interested in visiting Japan… now, I must say, I am remotely interested.
Heh, my dog watches me shower… she even jumped in with me once… yeah, I don’t get it either.
Your family sounds like so much more fun on holidays than mine. Will you adopt me?
And yeah, I had the same reaction to that girl on the Bachelor – jeez, a virgin servant, what more could a man ask for? I love your blogs, and while I wish you’d post more often, I have to admit there’s something to say for the excitement that comes with my squeals of “Ooooo a new Goddess blog!” 
Oh, that Tigger. And your cat is diabolical.
It’s good to have you back!
Heh. Not ALL Japanese toilets are that user friendly. Bear witness to many public toilets in Okinawa: a mere hole in the ground. You’ve got to have pretty good aim to live there!
I love the variety of topics in your blogs. You’re an inspiration!
I suppose that was still an unsolicited pornish instant message. I have hairy cleavage so what do you suggest I do?
Fraidy Cat watches you shower because of the collar-cam we snuck in and put on her last year.
LOL this blog is great
man… look at your smile. i think you liked where that tiger was going.
Your family sounds like a riot! They sound crazy like mine.
haha, Friady Cat sounds great to me!
I like the card idea. I just get the most perverted card possible. It’s great since there are more than enough dirty cards. But I hate getting strange looks at the check out counter when they look at my card that had the word “orgasm” or “penis” on the cover and realize they haven’t seen one of those on fifteen years.
My thoughts on Sue Johanson… She’s actually drawing a sketch of what she thinks her caller may look like… or at least what their *problem* looks like.
Thanks for quoting me. I quoted to in my journal… but I don’t have nearly as many readers I bet. You rock!
hehehe, another great blog. thanks especially for the photo of Fraidy Cat And Clock, which cracked me up.
Incidentally, I suspect there’s a secret cat conspiracy whereby all kitties have an inbuilt ability to home in on exactly the piece of paper you’re reading/writing. My cat can even hit the right paragraph of a broadsheet newspaper. Then she looks at me with hurt innocence when I try to bat her away.
sigh… outdone by my cat…
Damn girl, when you blog, you BLOG!
I love that idea, giving out-of-season cards; ingenius! I’ll have to give my mom a “Congrats On Your Bar mitzvah!” for her Mother’s Day. Kitties do have weird habits, especially when you’re sleeping. Yours has to see your face, mine has to be on top of my face. I swear he’s trying to steal my breath… Kitty Murder? That Channel Surfing was just great, so true, so true. The idiot who made up Benifer should be hit. Repeatedly. With J. Lo.’s designer jeans.
i remember being really little..and having mickey mouse trying to touch my butt..running around the park grabbing at the air behind my butt….
he said there was a snickers in my pocket and he was really hungry. but that wasn’t really the chocolate he was after.
Okay, that was worth a 6-week wait.
I’m still laughing my ass off.
Yet another sucess of THE GODDESS!!! I love your blogs! Keep them coming! please?! pretty-please… and you are right, cats are so silly.
some guys said they laughed til they cried.
i found it only fitting to claim i cried til i laughed.
good job.
The dog one…so true. The entire Arnold thing…so dull now.
i have a cat. i’ve had her for 9 years and i’ve learned a few things. my cat drinks from the toilet too. but only when she has nasty water in her bowl of water. and the whole attacking of the feet thing, it’s just akittten thing. she will out grow it. cats are easily entertained. move your finger and they will follow. close your bedroom door for number 9 or pick out the outfit but hang it up somewhere. the rest i dont know about. but yeah.
LOL when I saw the pic of Fraidy. You weren’t kidding. Love the channel surfing!
I love it when you update. You’re good…. no no… you’re GOOD. YOU ARE GOOD.
ROFLOL!
You need to meet my sister. She “addresses” all her birthday cards.
Those are some great quotes you’ve got, there!
Thanks for the laughs. I’ve missed ya!
Wow, I’m still laughing. I’ve always wondered the same thing about Sue Johanson too. Speaking of laughs, that show is hilarious. She kind of reminds me of my grandmother, except my grandma doesn’t whip out sex toys and talk about oral sex.
Your site is a total hoot!! I absolutly enjoyed reading your entry. The cat is hysterical. I had two and they too always managed to make themselves really comfortable on the bed while I had to suffer. The toilet thing had me in tears by the way, I actually called my friend Tray to read it to her, she was hysterical at work.
This is the first time I read your site– recommendation from lildarlin22…Wow! You are so insightful….you must be one of those people that everyone wants to be– probably why you are a goddess…very much respect and admiration for your blog….hummm, anyway, we have a birthday tradition in my family as well- it started when we (me, my older sister and younger brother) were little and bitchy. My mom started giving every kid a present for anyone’s birthday. Of course, the birthday kid got a lot of presents, but the rest of us each got one too. I know, it’s sad and pathetic that we were bitchy enough to get presents on someone else’s birthday, but that way we sat through the birthday stuff and pretended to be interested because, after all, we did get a present out of the thing…I’m 22 now, and we still do it…bad kids, I mean, habits die hard I guess
i’m paranoid and always worried about what the cleaning crew thinks of the crap in my garbage. i made the mistake of putting tootsie rolls in my office…i wonder if they look at the garbage and am like, “ew god, what a pig.”
The comments on men was so funny, i loved it thank you for providing those quotes you found… made my day
Awww, shoes that make farting noises when you walk are a huge bummer. I hate when that happens. I am happy that you’re back
Great blog, by the way!
LOL… Danielle, how long did it take to type this entire blog? I really want an answer lol… And, I’ll have you know – although I believe it from a “different” site – for some reason… I can’t get the thought of crusty hair and bad hangovers out of my head when I think about how long it takes you to blog
My gosh woman, you’re the Super Blogger – the Belle Blogger … The Xanga Typing Queen – and damn funny to boot! lol
Have a good weekend you.
Can I do number 6 too?
I love women who advice other xangans of the same sex to show more cleavage!
You’re MY kinda gal!
I’m glad you’re back.
well you know waht they say about big paws dont ya?
No Seriously what do they say……….:D
Hey nice page. Your profile pic is gorgeous! ( ;
you write the most amazing posts – this is a site where i actually read the entire thing…
you should buy your cat a wrist watch.
well, im quite sure that my comment will be lost in your sea of admirers, however, as a fellow danielle, i felt it nessisary to shout out my hooray for a clever and witty woman named danielle out there continuing a good reputation for our name. i was sent to your site with very high recomendations, and it did more then surpass it!! hoooraayyy!!
Sorry about Disneyworld.
Dude. Where the HELL ya been!?!?!
That was one long-ass bday party, sister Goddess!
Okay, there is just WAY to much to comment on — love the reception sticks… love the talk on MEN… and your cat is about as warped as MINE.
And Tigger is a slut!
holy crap… lol that was the longest blog i have ever READ in my life..
lol and i like that whole idea about giving people happy halloween cards on their birthday.. lol i’m going to try that!!
that’s too funny/cute!!
Oh my gosh…this is the funniest blog I’ve read…EVER! I’ll check back for more fun!
lol Hey babe! You have an awesome page I love it! I did a thing on my page about cats to.
I can relate to the showerhead remark.
Welcome back! You have been missed!
I am going to have to remember that card giving technique. It sounds like a lot of fun and the person receiving the card might actually pay attention!
I hate LeeAnn from The Bachelor. That has NOTHING to do with your blog whatsoever, but I do.
My cat eats everything. And when I say everything I mean he eats plastic wrappers, paper, pen caps, the wire to my brother’s N64, and anything else he can get his fat kitty mouth on. He once pushed over my brother’s sack lunch and ate the plastic bag containing the sandwich, and then ate the sandwich.
FAT!
I was felt up by the easter bunny once.
oh tigers and also TIGGERS are NOTORIOUS for PAWing people. *knows*
Dear TheGoddess,
I noticed that you were subscribed to me, but I’ve never seen you comment on my blog. I didn’t mean for you to feel so intimidated — you can comment if you like. I won’t bite you.
You have a somewhat interesting blog, and some random day I may return and see what developments have befallen you.
- Love Simplicio
PS – If you want to see an exceptional blog, I highly recommend Ryoushi. She is fantastic and spirited, and often goes on exciting adventures with her subscribers, and brings them exciting treats. You should pay special attention to her — you could learn a lot from her — if you’re in a learning mood.
Holy shit you’re too funny.
And your random-sectioned writing style is just perfect for my flitting sensibility. I can’t read top to bottom, thoughI will read the whole thing; its so gratifying to be able to skip around.
On the cat #s 1-9: ditto!! Except #9. Thats just weird. (You’re peeing in his cup, man! C’mon!) No, wait – my cat does that too, but when I’m in the shower, wails. Funky quirky animals.