July 6, 2003
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Portable Purple Pig Sty
In discussing the dangers of riding as a passenger in my car, I realized that my last blog neglected to mention the greatest danger of all: the risk of being exposed to some deadly, previously-unknown-to-modern-science bacterial growth hidden in the seemingly harmless innards of the Grapemobile. There are two kinds of people in this world: those with clean cars and those with messy ones. Well, I guess there are people who don’t have a car at all, but for purposes of this discussion, let’s forget about them, ok? I’m one of the messy ones. I’m not sure why. I don’t keep a messy apartment, so why do I treat my car like a trash can?
NOW, for a limited time only, I present to you . . . a tour of the inside of my car! Please refer to the descriptive references below.
FRONT
BACK
A. Unusable change permanently stuck together by a mysterious tar-like substance.
B. A dark stain on the passenger seat from an unknown source. Probably from a former passenger who lost all bowel control upon witnessing my driving skills from a front row seat.
C. A clock that is an hour ahead for half the year. I can never remember how to reset the time. At least 2-3 times a week, I have a minor heart attack thinking I’m late for something.
D. ½ inch deep pool of soda and/or coffee settled in bottom of the cup holder after the base of the container eroded.
E. Dozens of old printouts of directions from Mapquest. And I still got lost.
F. Hard to see in this picture, but there is a Grateful Dead Dancing Bears sticker on the window. I like the music, but I’m not a huge fan. The sticker was placed on there in 1997 by an ex-boyfriend who would travel long distances to see their shows. I kept it because damn those bears are cute! The only problem is that I keep getting those knowing looks from hardcore GD fans. You know what I mean.
G. Blindspot. Something I rarely check before I change lanes. Lots of fellow drivers in
H. Sticky remnants from old inspection and city decals. Does anyone know how to get that shit off?
I. Tape deck. The only tapes I own are mixes made by ex-boyfriends. Useful for when I’m in the mood for sappy love songs made in the early 90s.
J. Red “check gages” light turned ON. I was really upset when I saw this. No, not because I almost ran out of gas miles away from a gas station. I was upset because I was convinced “gages” was a misspelling. However, both www.dictionary.com and www.m-w.com list “gages” as an alternative spelling of the word “gauges.” My bad. Still upsets me, though.
K. Random purple things.
L. Work I always bring home, but that never gets beyond the backseat of my car.
M. All-temperature Cheer. Always thinking about you, cause a love like this won’t fade away . . . Why is it in my car? No clue.
N. Used straw wrappers. Hundreds of them. If there were a National Convention of Straw Wrappers Collectors, the participants would nominate me as their Queen. I’d wear a tiara fashioned out of straw wrappers stuck together by the mysterious tar-like substance (See A), and sit on a float in local parades for a nominal fee. *elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist*
You Know You Are Addicted to Xanga When . . .
Bryan: I think I am going to create my own religion that allows me to prance around the office all day in my tighty-whities shouting, “I am Cornholio!” . . . . Thank you for your concession, finally, that [Name Deleted] is your lover, and that you have limited your liasons to in-person encounters.
TheGoddess: Just for that [Name Deleted] comment, your tighty-whities line is going to be displayed prominently on my website in the very near future…
Bryan: You may want to reconsider. The thought of such a delectably form-fitting outfit on yours truly could very well prove to be so orgasmically overwhelming to your readers as to ultimately result in the complete and untimely meltdown of xanga.com, which I know would result in the end of your existence as you know it.
Risking a Xanga meltdown, I decided to post a picture of Bryan revealing his tighty-whities. As always, his eyes have been blacked out for his protection.
Comments (104)
You are so warped it is funny!
Now get that car ship shape sailor…
Why is the carpet RED next to the cheer box and by the jacket? Are you hiding blood stains with all that stuff my lady?
HA!
Sail on… sail on!!!
I think “girl pants” is “girl underpants” [British usage].
I hope so anyway
That little fascist panties thing is a reference to a line from a Tori Amos song… so it’s probably a ring of Tori fans
I haven’t been here in a long time… then again I haven’t been on Xanga in a long time. As it always was.. yet another GREAT blog! Amazingly… not only do those blogrings exist – but many people have actually joined them (the horror). lol.
CLEAN YOUR CAR YOUNG LADY RIGHT NOW!!!! If I just got in from wiping down my own car in the HEAT (90+ degrees).. bc Floridians have never heard of full-service car washes.. then woman.. you have to clean yours too lol (((hugs))).
Danielle, I’m about to email you through Xanga.. I’ve got a question about making my new skin (BH’s site was done all in look and feel) – I’m going crazy with this.. so I’m about to email you keep your EYES open
). And OF COURSE you’ll be among the people I give my new screenname to. I need a place to restart and be myself – that’s the site I’m having trouble with. Okay.. tootles.. off to your email I go 
)
the Guys are assholes who think with thier penis blogring can be put…well how shall i say this…gayly? does that make sense? and you are right…if they are proud to be intellectuals, why are they anonymous? they should be called Boring Smart People because that is what they sound like…and i’d laugh if anybody joined that blogring
as for your car…you might want to clean it just a little bit
and as for your friend…his picture didnt exactly cause me to orgasm
A for (H): try nailpolish remover. It’s pretty good for removing gunk. If you don’t have that around, WD-40 might help.
whoa…i was looking for the passenger seat on the left like I’m used to over here, but then realised it’s on the right..!! wierd..:)
i am one of those messy car people. my car has accumulated at least 10 empty cigarette packs, cracked CD cases, some odd clothes, and yes…a very mysterious sticky substance on the floor….
doesn’t the whole “joining a blogring” idea take away all anonymity one may wish to exhibit (or not exhibit, i’m confusing myself here).
i need to clean my car too…
how’s that book you’re reading? any good?
that is messy! mine is somewhere in between (messy and not). i’m neat about it, but everyone else is messy…
do you feel a particular welling in your throat when you hear the lines “purple mountain’s majesty”?
This has nothing to do with your blog, but did anyone ever tell you that you look like Reese Witherspoon, because you do!!
1 the blogrings…had me goo-fawing and laughing and gasping.
2 i would like to wear fascist panties even if i am an asshole who thinks with his penis
3 i always spell weird as wierd, because, well, i’m wierd.
4 you can remove any gum thingie or sticker stickie thingie residue (like the H in your car) using WD40. in fact youy can use WD40 to remove crayon marks, bubble gum, and pen marks.
I’d have to concur w/ the Gage/Gauge debate. Perhaps it’s the European in me that desperately wants the superfluous vowel added in. But Gage looks wrong on many levels.
As for the sticky stuff, go to Target or Lowes, and look for something called “Goo Gone.” It’s a “sticky stuff solvent” that works wonders. Not only does it take off the crud from old decals, it also helps remove peel – n – stick linoleum from floors, contact paper residue from walls, and carpet tape from places where no carpet tape should have been. (It was a godsend in college!)
I laughed. I cried. It became a part of me.
PwAhAhAhAhAhAhA! i love reading your entries ….
It’s scary, but your car is actually cleaner than mine.
The “girl pants” refers to jeans made for girls.
The people belonging to the “give your cat anal” blogring should be locked away for a good long time.
I think we might have twin cars.
Mine’s even the same color. You can always try Goo-Gone to get sticker sticky stuff off. It works well for me. It comes in a small bottle at most drug stores, etc.
hmmmm at first glance, the car doesn’t look so bad!
The insides of cars can be scary, but I’ve seen worse FOR SURE.
By the way to answer your question… somedays I’m Kev Insane, and others I’m Kevin Sane… just depends on if I’m getting any
Thanks for the comment you made my day!
-Kevin
The inside of your car looks like the inside of a Ford Probe.
Ha! Bryan only wishes he looked that good…
My car, though shiny and candy apple red on the outside…IS FAR DIRTIER than yours! Add a few beach towels, three fishing rods, a net, a tacklebox, an old can of Pringles, the remains of said can, three old Dairy Queen cups, two copys of local independant newspapers I SWEAR I’m gonna read (but never do), four pairs of shoes (flip flops, mules, sneakers and heels, a roll of toilet paper, every reciept from every visit Jon ever made to an ATM machine crammed into every nook and cranny, at least two or more Gameboy cartridges, and one gigantic pool of red melted crayon in the center of the back seat, (At least the crayon is color co-ordinated) and you’d have an idea of the crap I drive around with. Bonus is that no car thief will EVER want to dig through all my crap to find something usefull to pawn, so theoretically…it’s a certain type of genius us messy car drivers possess.
I probably should have saved this comment for my own blog…how rude of me.
The horror that IS the tidy-whities pic…just sobered me up…eeww!
Gross. Just gross.
I have tighty-whities on today and they make me very unhappy. The fact that you’re a slob just turns me on. I’m weird wierd that way.
My Goddess! I think we are soul mates! I’ve never known another person to have the mysterious change stuck together by tar-like substance. me too! And my cup holders are permanent swimming pools. We’re disgusting car pigs. Let’s unite! ~Andi
All this raving for the Goo-Be-Gone is gonna make me see if it can get Silly Putty out of carpet!
Because that is the kind of filth I live in, my friend. When I finally cleaned out my old car, which was like my second filthy house for two years, not only was there a mildewed book in the back (that’s right) but the place that I took it in to have all the seats cleaned, etc. said they had never seen such a case. Worship me! 
The blogring thing was, crap, man, you should do that AT LEAST once, like, a week. Although I don’t know if I could take the humor that much. I have to go put on my girlpants, be proud of my vagina, love a midget, and eat an evil pop-tart…or I’d say more.
Good job on the updating so soon, I always enjoy.
I think you should start a messy car blogring.
LOL at the fascist panties! Even if it DOES come from a Tori Amos song.
I like your sense of humour, Goddess!
Hey, I made that “I Like Penguins!” blog. That is funny that you found it. I feel all special now. ^_^
I really like yor page. Very pretty. Also, your comments in response to all those blog’s were hoot-larious. Keep up to good work!
Ack, that really is going to cause a Xanga meltdown! Not for his reason though I fear. I think a new blogring should be formed called “Funny Xangans, who are ACTUALLY Funny” and we should join. Or at least you, you funny funny girl!
And it truly is amazing the random junk you find in your car. Just the other day I found a cell phone and a pair of panties. Someone using my car for a booty call perhaps?
hahahaha ok, now *how* do you get friends to do that? i would give half of my freezer supply of coffee chip ice cream if a few people i know would drop trow in the middle of traffic, pausing long enough to let me take a picture!
if it makes you feel any better — my car is wayyyyy grubbier.
as for h — i had the same problem when i first left virginia; you can get the top half off, but the rest just sorta sticks there. till you get a razor scraper. totally worth the $2 investment…
And, I thought my daughter’s car was bad……Oh, and on “H” try some GooBeGone. It actually works. Plus, it’s a breath freshener.
heh. she said cameltoe!!! (|)
or is it |/
Re. H: try Goo Gone. I’m serious. It works.
sorry.
Um, you’re scaring me…
Ahhhh man!!!!!!!!! I am trying to eat lunch here… Not that Bryan isn’t absolutely a hunka hunka burnin’ love. But that picture is not conducive to eating a bacon sandwich. And as far as the old stickers? Use “Goo Gone” – I just tried it for the first time. Works great.
You know a good way to clean your car out? Have it spring a leak during the two months that have record amounts of rain. Then when you come home from vacation, you can find all of those things you listed floating in the floor in 4 inches of water. But that’s only one car. The other looks surprising like yours, except the dog nose prints all over the windows.
that was hilarious
propz
anti – WieRD eVIl PopTARts AnonYMoUS
LOL. Thank you so much for the laughs. I am a goober and have been unable to dream up a witty blog for consumption today.
p.s. no more Bryan pics please. yikes. I was trying to eat here.
Thank you for once again getting me in trouble. Maniacal laughter eminating from the emperors throne (yes, I took you into the bathroom with me ok?) just doesn’t seem to mix. You are my fucking hero, my fuckin A hero, and my hero. Dats sum funny fuckin shit muh fucka. Thank you oh thank you for turning me on to so many blogrings that can appreciate my depth.
As for the collective penis, its true. And when some guys have little ones while other guys have big ones, that is all dependant on how much crack you give the bouncer thats guarding the afore mentioned penial collective.
Cheers girl. Fuckin rock.
Brilliant. I can think of no other superlatives, but if you were here in person, I’d smother you with affection for a blog this good.
m{eye}k
I was doing ok until I got to the tightwhities part… Now I’m considering legal action.
The last image, most disturbing.
ew. ew. ew.
enjoyed the blogring dialogue tho….glad to see that not one that I belong to was up there.
*phew*
I’ve read Letters From a Nut. Your blogs definitely surpass. I love the pictures of your car. I did not love the picture of Brian.
It is amazing how many people belong to some of those rings. ‘Wierd’ huh!
I saw that half naked man in a taxi once…he refused to take my number and call me.
I don’t think it’s the sex appeal that’s going to cause the Xanga meltdown.
I am an obessive compulsive cleaner. I will clean your car for you and it will stay clean. And you know more assholes and vagina lovers are going to join those blogs because you gave them free publicity!
I’ve never commented in any of your posting but OMG YOU ARE TOO FUNNY!!!!
Keep ‘em coming Purple Queen!
The tour through your car absolutely cracked me up.
there are some crazy blogrings out there.
where did you find all that time to go through all those blogrings to find the stupid ones? :p
my car isn’t as messy as that, but it’s not clean either.
Whoa, I have that mysterious tar-like sticky stuff that goos up coins in my car, too! Oh, and try Goo-Gone for the left-over adhesive. It works pretty well.
See, the first blogring clearly tells you that those penis enlargment ones weren’t spam!
LOL, thanks for this. Hysterical. Like the order it’s in as well.
I carry a box of “Gain” (the original, not the new crappy scents) detergent in my car…on purpose! I am addicted to the smell of it, and want my car to smell Gain-like:o) See, when the car gets hot in the Texas sun…the box of Gain acts like an air freshener…yeah, I know I’m odd:o)
damn. you are popular. i have to admit you’re pretty good looking to. But let’s put all that aside. you’ve got a pretty entertaining xanga site, but other than the entertainment value, what else do you have to offer? i don’t really know anything about you from reading your site. i wonder if you read all these, or if you really care. no, i don’t know who you are, and you don’t know who i am. uhh
*runs*
After much copying and pasting, I’m back!!!! Double posting of course. You didn’t think I was that orginal did you?
i’m one of those people that keep my car super clean. after 2 years of having it, it still has it’s natural new car smell…ahhh….
i just hate when my facist panties ride up…
Guys are assholes who think with their penis (7 weblogs)
TheGoddess says: I pondered the grammar on this one for a bit. It makes it sound as if there is one huge, collective penis from which guys think. Maybe there is. Once again, I am aroused.
oh wow thats funny! i cant stop laughing..hehehe oh wait thats a giggle i mean, ahahahahahahahahahhahaha
Man, have I got the dullest blogrings…
Nice blog there, Reese…
I’m one of those with a messy car. I’m hoping I can change though! Last weekend (after something like 2 years looking like a dump) I cleaned it out totally, then took it to get it washed, polished and detailed (I didn’t have the time nor the inclination to do it myself) so now it’s all nice and sparkly clean. Can I possibly become one of those clean car owners? Or is it just a matter of time before the car returns to its normal messy state? Ahhhh, the pain of trying to change!
Interesting blogrings by the way….very amusing! Just out of interest, is there one for car pigs?
I actually belong to the Little Facist panties blog-ring, thank you very much. lol. But geez…so many groups are poised to take over the world! Evil Pop-Tarts AND Evil robots, spork-fanatics, vagina lovers, and drunken naked cavemen who fry bacon with their lovers. woohoo..
What a facked up world
-Kimmi
Note From BrooklynHeart. I’ll be back very soon to read and comment – just a quick note to give you my NEW Xanga name and subscribe to your site under my new name. Please come by my new site and subscribe there ((((hugs)))
http://www.xanga.com/skin.asp?user=Mugzee
I would join the cat blogring..but that would just be sick and he’s been neutered anyway. But urgh who would want to do that?
It’s good to be back.
Great post! I’ve seen some dumbass rings myself… lol
I too have no vagina
I too have a spork
Yes…there is just one huge, collective penis that controls the actions of all men. Try to keep up…nobody hid the fact. You were just preoccupied with your lack of a vagina and the fact that your little fascist panties were still riding up.
Your car has lots of little red letters all over it. I know a detailer that can clean that up for you.
You make me laugh.
In a purple sort of way.
again an excellent blog but Please no more shots of brian……im queasy now hehe
i wish i had half as much to write about as you do.
it is sites like this that keep me busy all day
Hello my Goddess, This is your number one cucumber The BOOOOYA! speaking.
How have you been my darling? I have been gone too long. I was away on sabbatical on a very important journey and my friend Skitch was running my site for a while. I do miss you and your beautiful face. You truly are a goddess my darling. I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing. I have returned my goddess, your BOOOOYA! is back. Please come and let me touch your booooty like the old days.
TakeCare,
-BOOOOYA!
hey now…penguins are da shizznit.
i now have the urge to join every weblog you listed, just for kicks. everyone should hug a penguin.
Hi Danielle.. or as many might call you Mz Purple
. It’s me.. Kimberly – under my new name. And.. this morning my car was such a mess.. I thought of you immediately lol. That’s not an insult, it’s a chuckle lol 
Clever, and I thought my car was bad. You should amend your “Assumption of Risk Agreement and Release of Liability” to include damages occurring from mysterious tar-like substances.
This entry is hilarious! FYI – those cute little dancing bears on your car is in most states probable cause to be searched. Do not fear though, you can get it and whatever other sticky stuff you may have off with Goo Gone. It is used for many things. If you have a model train store in your town they will cary it for sure. You can probably find it in any Auto or hardware store as well. I’m going to check out some “Submisive and Single Cavemen of Love” now. Thanks for the mid-workday comic relief! PS. Damn you’re popular!!!
You drive a car in DC? Wow, brave. I was Metro all the time in my day. And, um, what’s with the straws? Maybe you need to start a blogring.
oops I never commented on this! It was just too fuckin’ funny.
you know, like when you come out of a comedy club (first date Death) and you have nothing really to say to each other, knowing nothing you could say could possibly be as funny as what you just spent a few hours in tummy cramps and tears over, and preferring the silence over the harsh realization that you and your little world is intolerably bland in comparison. Unless you’re trashed, in that case its fine to talk.
Something like reading this blog here
I think I’ve gathered from your previous blogs that you’re living in Richmond, Va. (Can’t be exactly sure of this due to the pleasant pain-killer haze, but I don’t think I made that up.) Anyway, I lived there last summer and loved it. I hope it’s growing on you as well….but if not, is there any chance you’d want to trade locales? Really, Jackson, Miss. is a grrreat town, I swear…..no? What if I throw in the house?
Sometime when I’m in a less altered state I’ll try to remember to fill you in on some of the finer points of RVA. (Oh, and the drugs are medically necessary, I’m not some pill-popping freak.)
That was very good. Very funny.
I have a book in my shop called ‘The What Would Jesus Eat Cookbook’. Lots of people look at it, no-one has bought it yet.
You have 80 comments! Holy shit
i can’t believe how much pussy talk you get on this site!
I realized I didn’t comment on this yet… “i <3 boys in girls pants”. Ah yes, I am familiar with this ring. I have friends in it and even some male friends that actually wear girls pants. They told me that they like that they’re more form fitting. At first I thought it was a little odd and then I noticed how good their butts looked in them. Now if they ever start regulary wearing skirts… that I’ll have to draw the line on. …Hm, some of them do have nice legs though…
Oh and yeah… if you didn’t know. They are specifically talking about girls jeans… especially the ones that have low waists.
The rolks in the Evil Robots of Evil blogring should join the Redundant Group For Persons in favor of Redundancy club (not a real group).
Are you sure you didn’t take a pic of my car??? I’m the same way–my house is clean, but my car is a trash pit, right down to the stuck together unuseable change
that was a really funny blog. i am glad i dropped by for a read.
cheers.
Hahahhaha….thanks for sharing the tour of your car. Wow…how long did it took you to search for those blog rings?
hahahahaha.. another abs-workout-inducing-TheGoddess-post…
thankie…
p.s.: bryan’s hot!!
;D
You’re a hoot, girlfriend! I have seen some of the scary blogring titles and tried to block them from memory. What up with this Bryan character? He’s a bit scary – how do you know him? Is he just a fan?
hehe, funny stuff! my uncle bought me a grateful dead tshirt for christmas the year before last. its bright and tye-dyed (spelling??) w/ a cool pic on the front and back. i love it, even though im not a big grateful dead fan. i get the looks too, from the fanatics. lol. oh, and dont worry, your car isnt that bad. mine gets like a pig pen, too.
Oh my goddess, you are a riot! I must put you in my “subscribe” list immediately!
Oh my God…you are so funny! It’s not that often that I come across a truly humorous site here. I can see why Angie subs you. I’m laughing so hard…I’m lost for words.
oh my . . . there was lots of great stuff here, but “cornholio” cracked my shit up!
Yes, so the grammer on that ‘guys are assholes…’ blogring; what is the plural of ‘penis?’ Would it be ‘peni?’ or ‘penises?’ Could you clarify? because I may decide to use the plural of penis in a poem one day…
lmao that was mad funny..rock on..
Hahahahaa, way to go Bryan!
*laughing* One huge, collective penis…
I love your entries. I could only hope to be so witty…
Your car looks like mine *hides*
I am one of those people with a dirty car! I found myself nodding with each description of your car *yup, that happened to me…yup, that too…*
Those blog rings are hilarious (are you going to join any??
Kristin
ROFLMAO……… I can’t wait until you spoof MY blogring (then we’ll see if I really laugh….). Gads, that was good!!
Did Bryan/his underwear cause the accident back there?
hey! i love the pics and hte back of ur car is a friggen mess! god dang girl! o and ur verry pretty!
just had to put my 2 cents in – this blog is great… loved it. It’s kidna scary, but it’s great! To think of the blogrings people might have…
And as for the car – can totally relate. not sure about your car, but my car has similar things inside it, in addition to a layer of dust/pollen on the dashboard, doors, etc from leaving my windows open at times. Instead of a black dash, mine is tinted a yellow-green. Makes me sad, and sneeze…
keep up the wonderful blogs!
The blogring thing just goes to prove that truth is stranger than fiction…I haven’t laughed out loud in awhile, thanks.
-M
oh oh one of MY blogs was mentioned *whispers…I’m not REALLY interested in armpits* ;;)