March 19, 2003

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  Number of times someone said to me last week, “Wow! You got some sun!”: 2,182. Sunburn? Oh no. This is much worse.  My skin melted under the fiery hot intensity of a thousand angry Florida suns. This is because my skin is usually paler than a baby’s butt, just not as soft (not that I go around feeling the butts of babies, mind you).

  
  

   

  
  

  “In a related story, the French are now calling American cheese, ‘Idiot cheese.’” – Tina Faye, SNL

  
  

   

  
  

  Will, a thirty-year old dominant male from New York, loves bondage, candles, and bed frames with bars. He likes to use the word “fun” a lot and he thinks “a police officer” is the “celebrity” he resembles the most.  His dream woman must be between 0’ and 4’10”. If you don’t believe me, do a search for “OfficerWill” in the Xanga personals.  I double-dog dare any of you to find a funnier personal ad.  I’d love to see this guy get busted for impersonating a police officer.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  My uncles have a parrot named Digger. It repeats words it hears, so the bird frequently says, “Hello, Digger!” The problem is . . . the bird doesn’t pronounce the D sound very clearly. “Hello, Digger!” sounds like he’s saying . . . something else.  My uncles told me they once hired an African-American nurse to take care of my grandmother, but the nurse quit on her first day.  They tried to explain, but she refused to return. 

  
  

   

  
  

  I think Clay Aiken on American Idol is very sexy.

  
  

   

  
  

  The Axe body spray commercial where one woman says to the other, “I KNOW you’re not touchin’ my mannequin!” cracks me up every time.  I think that will be the next popular catch phrase, replacing “And you wanted to be my latex salesman . . .” from the glory days of Seinfeld. If you haven’t seen this Axe commercial yet, you need to watch more TV. (And then go HERE).

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  On the flight to Miami (airport code: M.I.A.), I sat in Row 13.  “Good thing I’m not superstitious,” I thought as I crossed my fingers, threw salt over my shoulder, and tightened my grip on my lucky rabbit’s foot.  Interesting (or maybe not) fact about me:  my biggest fear about flying isn’t terrorism.  I’m worried that the plane will start to fall apart in the air and I’ll get sucked out, seat and all.  I saw that in a made-for-TV movie once and that image has haunted me ever since. Hey, no one said fears had to be rational.

  
  

   

  
  

  In the Miami airport, I overheard a teenaged Spring Breaker say, “I saw this, like, porno or whatever and like, the woman did 500 guys in a row . . . man, even watchin’ it made my vagina hurt.”

  
  

   

  
  

  If you’ve ever shopped at Express, you are probably familiar with Virtual Dollars. For every $50 you spend, you get a $25 coupon.  Catch #1: The coupon is only good for a short period of time . . . about a month after your initial purchase.  Of course, I always forget about my Virtual Dollars until after they’ve expired.  This last time, however, I swore I wouldn’t forget. I taped my Dollars to the fridge to remind myself.  The day finally arrived, and I proudly walked into Express to redeem my $50 worth of free clothes. Catch #2:  I had to spend $100 (pre-tax) to redeem the $50 worth of coupons, but everything at Express was priced at $69 and $29.  To get my $50 worth of “free” clothes, I ended up spending $80.  I’m a sucker.

  
  

   

  
  

  I was really touched by how many of you commented on my last entry and expressed concern over my colon health.  I promise to poop more often.  Mmmmm, fiber.

  
  

   

  
  

  After a full day of shopping on Sanibel Island, my mom realized she was wearing two different colored shoes. One black, one brown.  I told the saleslady at the store and she proceeded to tell the other employees.  Everyone laughed at my mom, but that’s what she gets for throwing away my overly worn, too small, faded pink Strawberry Shortcake sneakers that I loved to wear when I was seven.  Yeah, you thought I forgot about that, didn’t you, Mom?!  In her defense, she bought me a similar pair for Valentine’s Day this past February, but oddly enough, they only come in kids’ sizes.

  
  

   

  
  

  In my opinion, blowing your nose around others is like wiping your ass in public. That’s just nasty.

  
  

   

  
  

  I called the Gateway Tech Support line last night after receiving this disturbing error message:  “Physical memory dump completed.” When it comes to my brand new laptop, I never want to see the words “memory” and “dump” used together.  Surprisingly, the tech guy was very helpful and fixed the problem in less than two minutes (uh, he told me to turn off my computer).  Then he tried to persuade me to purchase an extended warranty.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him no, so I waited until he put me on hold and then I hung up.  He called me back.  Creepy.  But he didn’t leave a message.  I hate that!  

  
  

   

  
  

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  Meet Jordan. She’s my seven-year old niece.   

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  She’s the funniest kid on the planet. My proof:

  
  

   

  
  

  Last week, Jordan announced, “I can do my report on any famous person I want.  I think I am going to do it on Albert Einstein or Frankenstein.” Jordan pronounced Frankenstein as if it were two words: Frank Enstein.  I guess, to a seven year old, it is entirely plausible that Albert Einstein had a brother named Frank.

  
  

   

  
  

  Heidi (to Jordan in tub): Gross! You have a zit on your butt!

  
  

  Jordan: (laughs)

  
  

  Heidi: It’s not funny. It means you have a dirty butt.

  
  

  Jordan: (suddenly very serious, pauses) Well then, you have a dirty face!

  
  

   

  
  

  Rick is Jordan’s invisible husband.  Invisible, but not imaginary, as she is quick to point out. According to Jordan, they’ve had thirty babies:

  
  

   

  
  

  Jordan: Mom, get out of my bed. You’re squishing Rick.

  
  

  Heidi: Rick shouldn’t be in your bed anyway. You’re too young to have sex.

  
  

  Jordan: We don’t have sex.

  
  

  Heidi: Well, then how did you end up with all those babies? You can’t have babies without having sex.

  
  

  Jordan: Well … Rick is the one having all the sex. I keep my sex in a jar.

  
  

   

  
  

  “I don’t have homework because tomorrow is veterinarian’s day.” – Jordan, November 4, 2002 

  
  

   

  
  

  Heidi:  Jordan, you have your undies on backwards again.

  
  

  Jordan:  Oh, I can never get this right.

  
  

  Heidi:  Just look at the underwear.  The side that is shaped like a V goes in front.  V for vagina, in the front.

  
  

  Jordan: (weird face, eye roll) Bagina starts with B!

  
  

  
  

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  Xanga Funnies

  
  

  “i flooded a KFC restroom. when i stepped out, a woman was on her way in [the men's was broken already] and i have never been so ashamed of myself. i ran out onto the street and zig zagged as i ran, behind cars and stores and pedestrians for twenty minutes, so if she was following me i’d lose her easily because i am a fucking toilet clogging ninja.” – LeXXus

  
  

   

  
  

  “When you find yourself sucking Diet Coke off your keyboard, that’s probably a good sign that you have a caffeine problem, not to mention a serious deficiency in judgment.” – tinyrage  

  
  

   

  
  

  “If someday I become a mass murderer and massacre half of the world, you should all remember this day when you read my words.  Whatever the media may tell you, you will know the truth.  It was because they did not buy me a cat.” – Megily

  
  

   

  
  

  “Honestly, I think I’d even welcome seeing Waldo the Window Wanker right now. I can sit on the couch clipping my toenails in my underwear and he can resume his position in front of my window, jerking off. Sure it’d be disturbing again, but hey, at least i’ll have company!” – fruitopia_24

  
  

   

  
  

  FlashFiction writes some of the funniest blogs on Xanga.  And the shortest. I couldn’t pick just one of his blogs to quote here, so go there and read the whole damn thing.

  
  

   

  
  

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  I was gone for a while, but now I’m back.

  
  

  Thanks for all the emails and IMs! *muah*

  
  

  

  • 10:58 pm
  • 94 Comments