February 3, 2003
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Monday Commute Blog:
10 Rules for Riding the D.C. Metro
1. Riding the Metro escalator is like driving: the left side is the passing lane. If you are too lazy to walk up (and in some cases, walk down) the escalator, please stand to the right. If you block the left lane and someone (like ME) trying to pass you says, “Excuse me,” please don’t pretend like you’ve suddenly gone deaf. You know you heard me.
2. The purpose of the poles in the aisles of the trains is to allow many standing Metro riders to hold on for balance. They are not stripper poles. Therefore, please refrain from leaning your entire body (especially your ass) against them. That would be my hand your mushy left buttock is crushing, thanks.
3. Don’t sneeze into your hand and then place your hand back on the pole. If you don’t have a tissue, pretend to search for something in your pocket and discreetly wipe the mucus from your palm into the inner lining. Keep it there.
4. Bathe. More specifically, bathe using soap and water, not cologne.
5. There are two types of Metro cards: paper and plastic. All the cool kids use the plastic cards. Oddly, of the three machines that allow you to purchase a paper Metro card, only one of those machines allows you to add money to a plastic Metro card. If you insist on purchasing the annoying paper cards and all three machines are open, please do not use the only machine that allows you to add money to a plastic card. If you do, have the decency to apologize to the five plastic card holders now glaring at the back of your head as they are forced to wait in line behind you.
6. Don’t look over my shoulder to see what I’m reading. Bring your own damn book.
7. On occasion, people must pack themselves into the trains like sardines. However, don’t take advantage of this opportunity to “accidentally” cop a feel. If you do, I might “accidentally” kick you in the nuts.
8. When the train is crowded, don’t say, “Wow, the train sure is crowded!”
9. The GREEN arrow sign means that exit is available. A RED line sign means that exit is NOT available. If you memorize these two facts, you won’t find yourself staring dumbly at an unavailable exit, announcing (to no one in particular), “But it won’t take my card!”
10. Please be fully clothed when riding the Metro. I never thought I’d have to say that, but that was before one winter when I encountered a crazy woman on the Metro who was naked from the waist down. Ew.
Funny Stuff I’ve Read On Xanga:
“So I’m walking to the bus stop and see a pink square wrapped in plastic, lightly dusted with snow on ground just ahead of me. Thinking that it was a feminine product of some sort, I got excited and jumped straight at it. I mean, c’mon, free feminine product!” - ALLLGooD
“What exactly does an orgasm feel like and how do i know i’ve had one? well, you are in xanga right? imagine posting just one sentence and then the next day you get 1000 eprops. THAT is what an orgasm feels like, only receiving the eprops feels better.” – virgilmvx
“I ran track for 3 years. I use the term “ran” loosely. I won a plaque for ‘Most Inspirational’ for the long jump and triple jump squad. To win the ‘Most Inspirational’ award is comparable to having a movie made of your life, and calling it ‘Mask’. Except I would have Pat Morita playing my mom instead of Cher.” – cerveza
“ive never been with a woman, pulled down her panties… and found her wearing an anal bauble. are there really hordes of people out there sporting butt bling?” – deadstar
“The subtext is becoming text. When things are rapidly degenerating from allusions into outright topics of conversation. Such as: “I just love that skirt. Is it Prada?” “No, it’s actually just a knock off.” “Oh, the horror. I wouldn’t be letting it touch my skin.” “Maybe I should just take it off, then.” “Maybe, indeed.” “So let’s just fuck then?” “Yes, lets. I’ve got the handcuffs and the anal beads.”" – the8rgrl
Reason #238 Why You Must Be Careful
What You Say Around Kids
“Mommy, what’s camel toe?” – Jordan, my seven-year-old niece
P.S. In case you missed my last blog, you can find parts of it HERE and HERE. *smirk*
Comments (122)
I haven’t ridden the Metro in years… but I have to say that #’s 2, 3, 4, and 7 (especially #7: eeewww) brought back some scary, scary memories for me…
LOL, oh god. I take the metro here in Toronto and can agree with ALL your points. I’d also like to add one of my own:
- People with backpacks and briefcases who constantly smack you in the face, breasts, shins, gut, “enter body part here.” TAKE THE BACKPACK OFF YOUR BACK AND HOLD IT ON THE FLOOR. I’ve nearly lost an eye a few times and my body always looks like I played football against the Oakland Raiders.
Amen to Live_From_Mars (I’d put the capitals in the correct places but it takes me hours to type like that, sorry) ~ I almost decapitated a man with m bare hands for being an objectionable twat and sneering at the poor little woman beside him who had just asked him if he’d mind putting his backpack on the floor so he wasn’t hitting her in the head with it. All of those other points are interchangeable with the London Underground ~ except paper vs plastic ~ all of ours are paper.. I feel left out now, and now I also feel that for the week I was in NYC, I wasn’t very cool
lol! that was really funny! i think that #6 is incredibly important if you don’t want to go home with a black eye. another one-
x. don’t SNIF at the person you are sitting next to. am i being a little too paraniod when i say i find it a bit rude…
*grumble* I was going to make a blog similar to this yesterday, but then put it off til today… now I can’t cause you did it better…. *pout*
Yesterday on the tram, I sat next to a ‘suit’ who’d bathed in his aftershave… arugh…. I can’t breathe……..
Ha ha, I have been on the DC metro before…always an “experience.”
If the metro is so bad, I guess you could always drive.
blahaHAHAHahah! girl, you’re a scream!
you should try the nyc subways! you got the nose pickers and thumb sucking grownups who hold the center pole! yuck!!
HAHAHAHA Reason #238 is HILARIOUS!
And I really thought my peanut butter comment was going to make it on your funny comments section.
I’m glad you’re posting again! I always double check your blog just in case I missed something. The infrequency of your blogs is a crime! Try to post more…your entries always make me smile.
Thanks for quoting me. It always makes me feel cool when a “Featured” blogger shouts me out. For some reason what I said didn’t sound funny until you quoted it. The magic that you do! I was actually laughing at myself!
YOUR POST ARE SO FUNNY
ROFLMAO!! WTF are anal beads… nevermind, I dont think I wanna know… I love your blog!!
It’s nice to know that the electronic sardine cans round the world are just as much ‘fun’ as the one I occasionally cram myself into.
yee haw! i feel so cool, like i could toss out all my mopey Smiths albums because I am so full of joy! you thought I was funny! That gives me a big happy! Of course, so does you blog, because you are witty and smart, and those are my two most favoritest things ever…
good list, and so very true. I hate when people just stand there on the escalator, especially the ones who think if they stand on the left will make it less of a hassle… yeah, I don’t feel like weaving between people walking up the escalator, thankyouverymuch.
the one working “up” escalator was broken at my stop today, and there were actually a few people who didn’t notice and stood at the bottom for a second.
that made me laugh.
Uh-oh. I better not ride the Metro. I’d be all over those poles…climbing and twirling and…I really miss dancing sometimes. *sigh*
~E
I didn’t even know what camel toe was until a couple months ago!
eeewww…it’s frightening that some people need to be REMINDED to bathe regularly…and I’d like to add to #4–bathe and then put on deodorant, for the love of Christ! the worst thing is when you walk into a run or onto the subway only to be hit by a wave of stench–someone else’s!! I don’t know about anyone else, but where I live, a stick of fresh-and-dri costs LESS than toilet paper and is every bit as important!
all 10 of those apply to Chicago’s L train too…i’ve lived in both places and i know the feeling…i’ve had men cop a feel on me on accident (or purpose?) guess they thought i was some hot teenage chick from the back
aaaaaaahhahahahaaha… oh, hey, wait a minute… what’s a camel toe? ::blinks::
Thank goodness I haven’t the opportunity to us public transit to get to work.
“I might accidentally kick you in the nuts”. That’s sooooo great. I would sit on the Metro all day just to see you do that.
I actually mulled over putting the “…SOME quality entries…” comment on my entry. I ended up doing that so I could have you comment on it!
A celebrity visited me TWICE!!!
I have a feeling this comment will get lost in the sea of love on this blog.
i think xangans around the world who ride their respective Metros should make giant posters of your universal subway/train etiquette and plaster as many cars as we can… its amazin how small this world really is and how similarly unconscious so many are when in public…
and loving #238… if i’m not to presumptuous i’d like to add the following –
there’s a band (of course i forget the name) that has a song with the following line of lyrics which start as a whisper and grow to a crescendo: “let the bodies hit the floor”… think 2x before teaching such to very small children, otherwise you may just have a 4yr old standing at the side of your bed at 3am waiting for you to open your eyes so she can start whisperin them to you in the dark. needless to say, my cousin Christina scared the CRAP outta her older sister Danielle due to their dopey brother Matt… ahh.. siblings, i wish i had some!
YOUR POSTS ARE REALLY FUNNY!!! And, you forgot the occasionally gum-stuck-to-chair (well, that’s in NYC anyway).
what reaLLy is cameL toe…
~*Tracy*~
WOOHOO shes BACK! And it was well worth the wait. Though I have never had the opportunity to “ride the metro” I can totally sympathize from riding public buses before driving. Face it. Unless you are here reading or writing right now, or directly related to someone who is reading or writing here now, you are stupid and therefore a nusance.
Smack Jordan a high 5 for me for excellent execution on the camel toe question. As a father, I’m dreading that day myself, but its always funny to hear it happening to someone else
Lose whatever life keeps you away from here! I love your stuff.
let me share a funny story…
i was on the metro (or we call it MRT) in Singapore where it was completely packed, and watching these primary school kids running around and making a nuisance of themselves while their poor mother was trying to get them to sit down. it was hot and humid. everyone was smelling really rank, especially this large woman who had one arm up holding the pole while airing out her sweaty armpit. suddenly, the train lurched, and the leader of the pack, the tallest kid, lost his balance, grabbed a hand stirrup above and accidently swung around and fell into the woman with her arm up. his face thudded neatly into her armpit. you could hear the ‘thwack’. the whole carriage went silent and then we started hearing gurgling noises as the boy tried to dislodge his face from her sweaty folds. his face was screwed up and he was so traumatized, he ran to his mother and shut up until they got off at the next stop. the poor embarassed woman left too, altho not knowing what a service she did for the rest of us commuters.
to this day, it still remains to be one of my happy thoughts
thanks for commenting on my blog!
let me share a funny story…
i was on the metro (or we call it MRT) in Singapore where it was completely packed, and watching these primary school kids running around and making a nuisance of themselves while their poor mother was trying to get them to sit down. it was hot and humid. everyone was smelling really rank, especially this large woman who had one arm up holding the pole while airing out her sweaty armpit. suddenly, the train lurched, and the leader of the pack, the tallest kid, lost his balance, grabbed a hand stirrup above and accidently swung around and fell into the woman with her arm up. his face thudded neatly into her armpit. you could hear the ‘thwack’. the whole carriage went silent and then we started hearing gurgling noises as the boy tried to dislodge his face from her sweaty folds. his face was screwed up and he was so traumatized, he ran to his mother and shut up until they got off at the next stop. the poor embarassed woman left too, altho not knowing what a service she did for the rest of us commuters.
to this day, it still remains to be one of my happy thoughts
thanks for commenting on my blog!
*ROFLMAO* CAMEL TOE!!!
I’ve never been on public transportation…I’m so deprived. *shuffles her feet along a dirt road*
haha@#3. Isin’t it always wonderful when someone does that?
My only thoughts on the underwear? “My GOD, that would chafe.” But perhaps it’s poetic justice – retribution for the bastard who invented high heels and thongs. (The heels to slow us down as we walk away, trying to pry loose the thong. I’ve been assured by one particularly rude yet observant coworker that his day is made when our receptionist wears a thong and wedge sandals, and walks past his office. )
Loved the rules to the Metro. An addendum: unless you are already acquainted with someone on the train, it is verboten to speak to those you don’t know. Mom was right – stranger danger.
don’t even get me started on taking public transit…it’s the only reason I am with the bf…bc he has a car and I no longer have to take the train..seriously….some people are so rude, and for the record, I TOTALLY agree with #1…I actually walk up and walk down escalators and it ticks me off when I say excuse me OR two friends chit chatting block the way and you can not go by. grrrr
Amen….and oddly enough, I can dup the same items on your list and applies here in NYC Transit as well.
God Bless Suburbia, USA! *laughs*
Having NEVER been to a city large enough to sport a metro of any sort, (I’m such a mass transportation virgin) I’m just amazed. I’d probably take it as a compliment if someone copped a feel, but that’s just because I don’t get out enough.
That woman must have been living out my dreams. I have a recurring nightmare, that I’m back in highschool, and I’m walking to class and sit down only to realize I’ve forgotten to wear underwear AND all I have on is a long t-shirt. So I spend the rest of my dream tugging my t-shirt down over my ass and/or crotch attempting to discreetly finish my day.
~ ROFL ~ 10 reasons to go by car…
I read your comment on fuitopia_24′s site, and I can safely say that I’ve got you beat by a long shot. I need to put my wang back into it’s shrink wrap. Of course when I say “shrink” I am not refering to the actual size of the wrap. Can we say Dirk Diggler? Okay…that’s a lie.
-tR
The DC Metro is exactly all those things and more. Have you ever seen the little Asian guy who sings hymns on the morning trains? He’s got an accent that makes the words unintelligible, and he hops from train to train “entertaining” the passengers.
I stopped taking Metro a while back; I get to work early enough (and now we’re in Arlington rather than DC) that driving is more pleasure than hassle.
Yeah, it’s unbelievable how crowded the metro gets even just from two years ago.
lmao. AHHHH
wonderful entry. You wouldn’t ever catch me on the d.c. metro. i’ve heard stories. Ew.
haha you’re a riot. I come to your Xanga when I’m feeling down and get tons of laughs. Thanks
dammit woman… all i have now is system of a down’s cover of berlin’s ‘metro’ running around my head on endless loop.
Lots and lots of eprops.
The first time that I rode a subway in NYC, my friend told me that the poles were for the police to handcuff criminals to. I believed her.
The rules for riding the Subway in NYC is essentially the same. I hate those pole huggers. How can they lean their faces against the pole?! Ick.
I throw elbows at and accidentally step on the feet of those opportunist gropers.
erp, I meant to say ‘the rules ARE essentially the same.”
So, those people loved your blog so much they reproduced it on their own sites? Imitation, they say…
I didn’t know they weren’t for pole dancing.
4. Bathe. More specifically, bathe using soap and water, not cologne
that one’s funny
I can’t say I’ve ever been on the Metro, but now I have 10 excellent reasons not to even consider it!
those rules should Apply EVERYWHERE ! like the supermarket, elevators, waiting in line at the post office.
Thank GOD I have never been on a subway or metro or whatever you call ‘en.. haha @ 3 .. keep it there! Bwahahahaha
istled – that song is Bodies my Drowning Pool:)..Goddess once agian a way too cool and funny blog…….You are a Phreak! and that is a good thing (since I call ther people that follw my band that hehe)
Rock ON!
I started to laugh at no. 2 and didn’t stop till the end of your metro piece. Laughing cos it was like that in London, but now I live in the tropics and drive a jeep and catch rides in yachts and things (and the men want a lot more than to cop a feel, dirty bastards!)
“You f-in’ rock,” exclaims commenter #58. Thought I would be lost but you found me!
ah, the joys of mass transit.
I used to live in DC. I think I would have to add an “11.” to this list: The Metro system is not our apartment-moving service. Dollies, packing boxes and furniture – no matter what size – are to stay off the train. I don’t know how many times I saw some dumbass muthafugga trying either to cart on/off the entire K-mart Blue Light Special or the contents of his Rosslyn efficiency on the metro.
And there’s bound to be some special addendum for idiots in SUVs at the Vienna metro parking lot. Grrrr.
Drop by, maybe I can tatoo you.
haha
I am a firm believer that that list should be made poster sized and placed IN PLACE OF all the metrosystem maps on all the trains… everywhere… in addition to over all the “you can earn a degree in ___ months” ads.
Woah, scary evil smilie… didn’t intend that to appear, but it’ll do as a response to number 7 on your list!
*lol* This entry is great! I was thinking about you/this blog yesterday, when I was one of the standing ones on our school shuttle. Ugh. I swear, the operators on the DRIVEN ones deliberately try to knock you off your feet!
the esculator thing really irks me…like REALLY…ARGH!!!!
and you always know the best sites
OMG. HAHAHA.
I’m still tripping on the “latest intimate men’s fashions”
dear god HAHAHAHAHA
rock on girl
Two words: Holy Crap! You *really* need to blog more! Every time I visit your site, I laugh my ass off.
Okay, that was more than two words…
you could say the same I think for just about any crowded transportation system… Scary isn’t it.
happy Writing…
hahahaha, that’s some of the funniest stuff i’ve read in a long time.
It sounds like you have a lot of fun on the metro!
i can’t read all these comments (i iz ilitterit.) so if someone has already pointed out the deep hypocrisy of your “always be fully clothed” metro guideline, considering a blog i distinctly remember you writing about a certain metro flashing executed by your own uncouth self, then i apologize.
Sounds like fun. Hope the world’s treating you good. Catch you around when I can get back on here with my own Computer…
uhm.. someone said they didn’t know what camel toe was.. ever heard of a wonderwoman badge?? I take it upon myself to define this strange and scarce event… camel toe occurs when a girl wears a pair of pants… now the state of the pants can be the defining factor to camel toe but there have been known cases of “natural camel toe”… scary thought… but the actual camel toe occurs when the womans pants are yanked high and are of a tight fitting nature… in the crotch area certain geographical regions of a woman become prominant. This creates something akin to the shape of a camel toe.
Jordan is a riot!
Teehehe.. excellent blog once again
5 year Mtero vet here. I can relate nearly to all. And to #8 I’d add, don’t say anything, because as you know the rule is No Speaking Allowed on the metro. Like a freakin library in there.
Hehe. “Mommy, what’s camel toe?”
That is a classic.
Excellent blog you have here. You definitely made me laugh.
camel toe… reminds me of camelot…
King Arthur of Camel-Toe… and the Knights of the Round Table…
loving your blogs…
… so there IS a reason why im so hated on the transit. damn.
well… funny and informative… how rare is that?
Uuh, what IS a Camel Toe???? Mo
After riding home on a sardine-like metro last night after a concert at MCI Center, I have a few rules to add:
1) When the escalator is packed full of people, do NOT step off at the bottom and *stand still* looking around in a daze, wondering where to go next, hugging your long-lost friends, etc. PEOPLE ARE FALLING OFF THE ESCALATOR BEHIND YOU! MOVE, YOU IDIOT! *exhale*
2) The bars along the ceiling are for people to hold on to, not for you to show off your acrobatic prowess. Do not swing from them. Do not hang from them by your legs. Do not then jump off, land on your feet, and throw your hands in the air. You are not in the Olympics. You are in a subway. Smoke less crack. (Yes, this actually happened.)
3) When the train is, again, packed in like sardines, if my hand accidentally brushes against yours on the pole, I am not coming on to you. It is not an invitation. Do not smile and wink at me. Do not ask me out for coffee. That guy glaring at you from over my shoulder is my husband.
Good grief. Okay…so the weblog was worth the massive amount of scrolling required to reach the comment box.
i’ve taken the metro many times…
actually, let me revise that..i’ve taken the metro too many times….
hmmm…DC metro sounds a lot like ny metro. of course, it may lack the incredibly high number of “crazy mofos” that nyc has, especially in the crazy mofo area, in which very much crazy mofoing is undertaken.
Goddess, you’re the greatest hon, thank you for visiting me! *much adoration* And really, the way you are in your posts is most entertaining. I could eat you up.
I heard that Verizon Wireless was taking over the D.C. metro. Their new motto:
“Get half as far in twice the time!”
blinks in confusion and then bursts into wild applause
I can’t say I’ve ever ridden the DC Metro…heh. Parisian is nice.
how nice of them…smirk..I did a search for my name on here once…found 5 sites had stolen photos I posted and had taken of mine and my bf’s office halloween pumpkin carving contest. Not only did they post them and not give credit. (laughs I know), they had copied the link and were using my xanga space to post them…*geesh*
It’s always interesting what you come up with.
I can never remember if I’ve commented on your blogs, and since I can never find my name among the one million commentors! you get, ain’t no way I’m looking back up there to see.
Nekkid and bathed in cologne? sweet geezus, thank you for my little slice of heaven via the commute to work in my quiet truck. we could carpool, but that’d mean I’d have to ride with you sometime, hm?
All good reasons why I prefer riding the Metra in Chicago over the Metro in DC
Very Funny Xanga, so I subscribed! LoL! you are unfuckingbelievably funny hahah
I think I might try what you are doing and update like once a week and get like 200 eprops
omg. i stopped doing any sort of ab workout when i started reading your blogs. thanks for the laughs!
That’s you in the ass-less red pants in the picture on my Xanga?
*whistles*
Damn, girl…you have nice elbows…
–End of Line–
hahaha oh my goodness
funny funny 
Most of those rules could be applied to public places in general…
Great site!
-E
a comment on one of your previous observations about Evan from Joe Millionaire…. not only does he look like a Neanderthal, but he is as incompetant as you say. My favorite Evan moment…when mojo is going on about her three majors and then best he can come up with, ” whoa, that’s weird.” also said in his caveman voice! its quality shit!
hahahahahahahahahaha, i am laughing so hard at those…and ive never even seen a metro. heck, ive only ridden a city bus a couple of times. but what can i say, i live in the midwest, our cities just dont measure up. and yet, i understand exactly how you feel. hahahaha
Have you ever noticed the correspondance between bus riders and hygiene?
You mean to tell me that I can’t perform stripping shows ont hose polls?!? Well I’ll be damned….
Anal bling??? Oh my!!
lily
I live in New York – I’ve been taking the trains into the City my entire life – and if it’s not too much to ask, would you mind printing that entire blog out in poster size and posting it in every single train station from here to the City? Geez…. how true was all that! Ugggggggg lol. You, like Deadstar, don’t really get into the mushy, i’m depressed type of blogs, but I think you’ll enjoy the one I wrote today. Be good you.. keep on smiling and laughing at the world, it’s a good quality you have there.
You’re 100% right.. in fact.. DC is as troublesome as NYC is right now – go find yourself a hottie, some cold duck, a candle and some “duck” tape right now! lol.
Thanks for your comment, including the info
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Happy Valentine’s Day, Goddess!
hi there, I’m passing out…fat free eProps instead of chocolate…
Happy Valentines Day !
hi there, I’m passing out…fat free eProps instead of chocolate…
Happy Valentines Day !
Goddess, you may want to reconsider 2/3′s of your list when you find that the guy looking over your shoulder was me, your favorite professor. I wasn’t trying to see your book, but just noticing that two of your buttons were undone. I thought you “liked” sitting on my hand! By the way, what was the name of that book? It started out ‘..it was a dark and stormy night..’ Peace, Dr. JtheP PS Lol, as soon as I get my t-shirt from deadstar, I’ll be wearing you proudly!
Oh, I know your pain. I was riding the metro the other day, and this teenager kid started playing around on the poles like a stripper…the orange line is full of nutcases. Ah, the DC freaks. They sure are….original.
So nice to read a fellow Metro Area-ers rants.
Hey this is bellybuttonlintrox and I changed my website so… here I am. LoL. I must go watch Joe Millionaire now…
guilty pleasures kick ass!! 
pot calling the kettle what?
Didn’t you used to flash people in the metro? 
LOL. Thats kinda funny, rules like that SHOULD sooo apply to the metro-transit here in ny. Urgh.
oh yes another metro warning:
the map seat >is the worst seat. hmm….lets ponder why….
I’m really upset, please come read my Xanga and leave a comment – I need some answers, please
holy shit! would you look at the amount of comments this gal has?
Heh heh you just never know what’s going to happen on the metro.
isn’t Pat Morita the old Chinese guy from The Karate Kid?
Hahahaha – just like Boston T!! Reminds me why my 15 years of T commuting is happily replaced by never taking the T again.