January 21, 2003

• The Stupidest People on TV

  
  

  Inspired by recent IM conversations with LaVieEstBelle and Deadstar

  
  

   

  
  

  Winner:  Evan from “Joe Millionaire” (link courtesy of BrokenIndigo)

  
  

   

  
  

  He didn’t know salmon is a fish.  It took him two minutes to come up with a fake middle name.  Instead of saying ‘interested’, he says ‘inner-rested’. He had to spit out his gum before he tasted the fois gras. And while he laments that he wants a woman who likes him for him and not his [fake] money, he picks women based on rationales like, “Well, she looked really hot in that red bustier.”

  
  

   

  
  

  On the one hand, I understand why Fox picked this guy.  Other than his money (and maybe his looks, arguably), he has no redeeming qualities. If the point of the show is to make the women look foolish, then Evan is the perfect Joe Millionaire.  On the other hand, couldn’t Fox find someone that had enough brains to keep the big secret of the show under wraps?

  
  

   

  
  

  In one of those rare moments when Evan managed to string together more than two complete sentences, he uttered this gem: “Three weeks ago I was driving a bulldozer…”

  
  

   

  
  

  Oops! The show, of course, is based on the premise that Evan inherited fifty million dollars two years ago.  So how did the brilliant Evan manage to recover from that devastating faux pas (Evan, if you accidentally stumbled across this entry while surfing for internet porn, ‘faux pas’ is French for “boo boo”)?

  
  

   

  
  

  “I mean two years ago,” he stammered.

  
  

   

  
  

  *shakes head*

  
  

   

  
  

  Zora, one of the women on Joe Millionaire, almost made this list because she didn’t give a second thought to Evan’s pathetic attempt to cover up his mistake.  I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt, however, and I’ll assume she didn’t notice because she tuned out Evan’s monotonous, monosyllabic caveman voice hours earlier.

  
  

   

  
  

  First runner-up: Anyone who (willingly) agreed to be on the upcoming Fox reality series Married By America.  I can only hope that the soon-to-be-newlyweds demanded a provision in their contracts requiring Fox to pay for the costs and fees associated with the divorce proceedings.  

  
  

   

  
  

  Second runner-up: A couple on HBO’s latest Taxicab Confessions.

  
  

   

  
  

  While vacationing in Vegas, this young couple climbs into the back of a taxicab with a yard of margarita in hand.  Compelled by the inexplicable desire to discuss their personal life with the driver, a complete stranger (and, unbeknownst to them at the time, millions of HBO viewers), the couple reveals that during their four and a half year relationship, the guy cheated on the girl at least eight times.  In an unexpected turn of events, the couple goes from arguing about what actually constitutes cheating to discussing whether they ought to get married:

  
  

   

  
  

  Girl: “Marriage is forever, you know.”

  
  

  Guy: “Yeah, that’s fine by me.  It ain’t like I got nothing else to do.”

  
  

   

  
  

  And she said yes. Who said romance was dead?

  
  

   

  
  

  Speaking of romance (brilliant segue, no?), Valentine’s Day just around the corner. Being that I’m in a perpetual state of boyfriendlessness, I have no use for this holiday at this time (*sigh*). However, for you ladies who are currently coupled, I thought I’d suggest a great gift idea for the man who has almost everything:

  
  

   

  
  

  Style Watch ’03: The Latest in Men’s Intimate Fashions

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Elephant Man!

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  If you push a button, it actually moos. I wonder where the button is?

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

  The box says, “Goodness! Gracious! Great BALLS of Fire!”

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  [Insert Sarcastic Comment Here]

  
  

   

  
  

  And finally . . .

  
  

   

  
  

  Funny Stuff I’ve Read on Xanga Lately:

  
  

  (Or, “Because I’m Too Lazy to Write My Own Funny Shit”)

  
  

   

  
  

  “Even if you were one of the minority who did not desire to suck your own d*ck, if you were the victim of a horrible accident that left you disfigured and without hands you would eventually break down and please yourself the only way you could.” – studiorat

  
  

   

  
  

  “I know it seems strange that Allan’s family members would give him pornos. They’re really open like that. They were actually pornos that they didn’t like, so they gave it to him. Oh the joys of hand me downs.” – LaVieEstBelle

  
  

   

  
  

  “(I’m quite anxious to master that whole public-masturbatory-hands-free orgasm I’ve heard tell so much of, so if any possessors of such a feat is reading this blog, please share.)” – Daffodilious

  
  

   

  
  

  “There aren’t any such things, as far as I know, as “porn apprentices” or “porn character actors” or anything of that sort. Nope. Even the guy who watches and makes faces is a porn star. I’m guessing that’s probably the best thing about the job. The actual work probably isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m guessing as soon as the director says, “cut”, the first thing you hear from everyone is, “eeewwwww!”" - forklift

  
  

   

  
  

  “I’m toasting my sperm by wearing thermal underwear.” – LawyerMike

  
  

   

  
  

  “I’ve spent the bulk of my adult life trying to discover the source of my emotional ills.  Up to now I have assumed that source to be the fact that I was circumcised as an infant.  Of course I have no recollection of this event, but I can’t help but attribute the painful crevice in my soul to my long lost foreskin” – shortpants 

  
  

   

  
  

  “When I say this same thing to my son, it throws the Gigantic Male Teenage Insane Driving Gland — or GMTIDG — into action. With him, when I say, “Ok, adjust your mirrors and then, when you’re ready, start the car” what he actually hears — thanks to the GMTIDG — is “YOU ARE NOW THE CAPTAIN OF THE U.S.S. DEATHBLASTER AND ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO SEEK OUT AND DESTROY ANYTHING THAT MOVES AND MOST THINGS THAT ARE JUST SITTING THERE MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS, LIKE MAILBOXES AND CONGRESS.” - middleageguy 

  
  

   

  
  

   ”I hate the IRS. Phuckers. Ruined my fortieth birthday . . . Ruined spring break last year . . . And now the phucking flaming assholes ruined Reality tv night.” – Lona May

  
  

   

  
  

  Go wish MidoriSour a Happy Birthday!

  • 9:26 am
  • 90 Comments