November 14, 2002
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Cold, Harsh Reality TV
LeslieMarie confessed that she watches the Anna Nicole Smith show and asked other Xangans to admit to their guilty TV pleasures. Ok, I’ll fess up. I love reality shows. Any reality show. Survivor, Big Brother, The Real World, Tough Enough, The Bachelor, etc. You name it, I probably watch it. I am a connoisseur of trash TV. Not only do I watch these shows, but I’m actually entertained by them. Even the most creative comedic writers in show biz couldn’t make up material this good.
Let’s take Tuesday night’s episode of MTV’s FM Nation as an example:
Meet Scott. He’s from Salt Lake. He’s a Mormon. He’s also a 24-year old virgin. He’s going to ask his crush if she will go to a Cher concert with him. And he’s going to do it on MTV!
We all know what is going to happen. It is like a bad horror movie when the busty blonde walks into a dark, creepy basement looking for her friends that have been missing for hours: you know she’s about to get whacked by the serial killer lurking in the shadows. We resist the urge to scream at the screen, “NO! Don’t do it!” Instead, we sit back and watch as the inevitable unfolds before our eyes.
Tip #1: If your crush doesn’t seem to know who you are, don’t ask her out on national TV.
Scott calls his special lady friend, but it is obvious that she doesn’t recognize his voice. It is only after he tells her his first AND last name AND from where they know each other that she realizes who he is. And even then, I’m not sure I believe her. She agrees to meet him for ice cream, but she sounds unenthused. Perhaps a little bit frightened as well. This is a bad sign.
Tip #2: Avoid suggesting that your crush is a slut. For most women, this is a turn-off.
After getting ice cream, Scott takes his crush to “Make-out Point” (ooooh!). On the way, Scott’s crush talks about a guy (NOT Scott) that she went out on a date with earlier that week. Note to all oblivious men: when a woman talks about another guy she’s interested in, she’s trying to let you down easy. Loosely translated, she was telling Scott, “Please don’t ask me out.” Sadly, Scott missed her signal. Instead, he asked her if she kissed the guy. When she said yes, Scott replied, “Oh? So you like kissing guys, huh?”
*record screeches to a halt*
Tip #3: When asking a woman out, never use plastic bath toys.
Once the star-crossed “lovers” arrive at Make-out Point, Scott reveals his true reason for taking her out that night. And no, it isn’t because of their mutual love of ice cream. By way of illustration, Scott pulls out a plastic toy boat. “See this boat?” he says. “This is a friendSHIP.” The woman stares at Scott incredulously, like she is mentally willing him to stop talking. It doesn’t work. “And this boat?” Scott says as he pulls out the second plastic toy, “This is a relationSHIP.”
*crickets chirping*
Tip #4: Save the bad puns for the second date. If there is one.
I don’t think the woman uttered a single word in about thirty minutes, but that didn’t deter good ol’ Scotty, the 24-year old Mormon virgin. Oh no. “And the way a friendSHIP gets to a relationSHIP,” Scott says as he gestures with the two boats and the Cher concert tickets, “is by CHER-ing something. CHER-ing. Get it? Share? Cher?”
*even the crickets stop chirping*
After Scott gets the “we’re just friends” speech, he drops off his crush back at her house. Still in good spirits, he declares, “At least I’m still the best looking guy in the car!” Of course, there is no one else in the car. Hey, at least he knows how to laugh at himself. I start to feel bad for the guy until he wonders out loud if this means she doesn’t want to go to the Cher concert.
Tip #5: No Scott, she is not going to the Cher concert with you (sometimes you just have to be blunt).
Now that’s entertainment.
Random Xanga Quotation:
“My cheek and gums are still big and poofy and pus… (whoops how do spell pus-sy without all my readers with dirty minds taking it and running with it).. pus filled . . .” - Lona May
Comments (70)
LOL, that’s flippin’ awesome. Pimpin’ ain’t easy…
Poor Scotty. I cant believe Im missing such quality tv. Here Im spending all my time watching the Batchelor
Survivor was good until the kicked off all the best looking guys. It must be a conspiracy.
Sadly enough, I too watch reality TV. The Real World, Road Rules, the Osbournes, Anna Nicole. The cheesier the better. I don’t even watch the good ones like Survivor and the Bachelor. If there is a reality TV show on MTV or VH-1, I’ll be front and center to watch it.
I LOVE it! Don’t watch those shows, but I love your synopsis. More! More!
OMG. It’s taking everything I have not to pee myself. that is too funny. I need to tune into FM Nation. Well, I have to get cable first : ( I’m already upset that I’m missing The Real World. I’ve tuned into the Bachelor for the last five weeks – those women last night were so… pathetic, but that makes for good t.v. ~Andi
LOL poor kid.. LOL I like those shows too. I love BIG BROTHER!!
if there’s anything better on tv these days than reality train wrecks, i’ve yet to come across it. ooooh, and how about those guys that insist on serenading their crush, their soulmate, with love songs at parties? in front of their boyfriends? ahhhh, gotta love the oblivious kids.
Jed was hot! Excuse me while I have daydreams about night things involving him.
It amazes me that people still don’t understand the concept of tact. But that definitely is entertainment!
I watch teen shows. I’m probably the only forty year old watching Dawsons Creek, the Gilmore Girls, and 7th Heaven. Its a bad sign when all the commercials are for zit creme and extremely lo rise jeans. Dang, my random quote had a typo in it. And my premium worked. Yeah. I’ll get busy scanning this weekend and maybe have some actual real pics soon.
Ah that was probably my typo, Lona. But on Xanga, I can fix it. Woo-hoo!
i am almost tempted to start watching tv again.
date shows always make me go… damn im a good catch. does that make me a bad person?
I love to watch the Anna Nicole Show when I am having a bad day or feeling down about myself….. because on those days where you feel ugly, or fat, or stupid, or just crappy in general…..
You can always watch her and feel like the freaking Sex Goddess with a genius IQ….. It is physically impossible to watch that girl and see the things she does and says and NOT feel better about yourself. And instant self esteem boost!
And those dating shows…..always makes me kiss my husband and we both say “thank god were not dating”
oh my…FM Nation’s first episode was filmed here in the lovely place I live: Bakersfield, CA.
i had to watch it. wanted to watch it.
then i was extremely embarassed. i mean, this is not the most exciting place on earth. but good god, we look like a bunch of idiots.
although i have not seen the show since…it was rather amusing.
and i am bummed i missed the morman trying to score.
*with jaw on floor*
I would have appreciated knowing Tip #2 about 15 years ago! Geez, I might as well become Mormon.
OMG that was painful just to READ!! I’m with LonaMay, my guilty pleasure is teen shows too– LonaMay, you’re NOT the only forty year old (ok, I’m thirty-eight, but seriously getting there) watching that stuff. Buffy and Angel are my ultimate can’t-miss favorites, but Seventh Heaven and Dawson’s Creek are there too– I still love Gilmore Girls but it’s up against Buffy and that was no contest- I’ll catch it on repeats though. For the record, I think I feel “guiltiest” about Dawson’s Creek…
I saw that episode and turned it off. He was too – ummm, there is no word to desribe it. How do you put links in your entry?
I’ve only seen part of one episode of FM Nation, but I did see the preview for the episode you mention…now I’m sorry I missed it!
Altho I’m a little sad you didn’t mention the trashiest of the trash reality television (which i love)….Temptation Island.
I’m not big into reality tv, but I’ve never really given it a chance. I watched the Real World for the first 3 or 4 seasons and some of Road Rules. Otherwise, nothing has really interested me. Unless Fear Factor is considered a reality show? I love that.
Loved your recap and tips. All guys should keep those in mind. Poor Wally.
This is what happens when you put a Mormon on TV. No idea of what is happening. Look at the Osmonds.
That’s right. Pimp for me, bitch.
I’m completely addicted to Anna Nicole but the description of Scotty-Scott-Scott’s flaming disaster sounded mighty interesting.
Scott’s ordeal was almost painful to watch. Almost. The whole time the woman had a look on her face like, “why did I leave my pepperspray at home?”
The other two groups were not nearly as entertaining as Scott’s.
As for my dirty little secret shows. I have fallen off of the reality show boat but I still find myself tuning into Real World. I think it’s because they were the first to really do this idea. Sure it’s all fabricated to get the most dysfunctional people into one house and make them hate each other. But it just keeps me wanting more.
LOL! Why haven’t I watched this show? It’s really kind of sad, just like those talk shows where they fool their friends that they are getting a makeover, and really they are telling them they are sleeping with their boyfriends. I’ll have to check out that show!! Thanks for the mention!
Uhm, maybe ima gimp or something, but that link at the bottom for “become my ho” doesn’t work. Then again, maybe that’s a good thing. I saw most of the movie, but I was late for class, so I had to end it early. Well, keep up the good work, and I miss hearing about the Stone Cold episodes and hope to hear of more along those lines soon. As per the question, maybe word it “puss-e”?? I really don’t know…Pussish? Whatever.
good tips… most men just don’t know what they’re doing… so sadd…
they need to have this kid on an episode of dismissed or blind date immediately. it would be the highest of high comedy
Wow, a lot of people have commented since I last mine. It worked! Thanks.
YES! I love those reality shows too! They’re so awesome! But can you imagine the killing that television companies make on these shows?
Look at survivor…they don’t have to pay the actors..only the one winner, they don’t really have to pay much for sets since they just put them in one place for a long period of time and aren’t changing scenes and stuff.
THey must be making super cash off of this.
Do you watch Amazing Race? That’s the best one. =)
Well I AM Anna Nicole…’stop FARTING that’s NASTY’…so I just love her show all to pieces. In all serious-ness…I watched FM Nation (after the two hormone filled hours of Real World Las Vegas), with my hands covering my eyes…peeking out in horror, it really was a train wreck. I think the gals chasing Warrant were even more hysterical (I saw a little bit of the groupie in me in those ladies…remind me to tell you about the time I met Wang Chung, and Could Jani Lane BE any grosser now???) But my confession, is I still dig the Cosby Show, and I find myself sucked into it when Izak leaves Nick at Nite on….
this reminds me of a car wreck…too horrid to comprehend, too intriguing to look away. but, unlike a car wreck, completely hilarious.
Ok, I’ll be your ho. But I have to say – I havent’ watched any of these shows. Of course, I am a huge dork and spend most of my time studying. So I don’t really get to watch much TV.
Guilty pleasure…SURVIVOR I can’t believe they voted off Ken…but then as soon as I saw his baby grand piano I knew they would.
My god, you’re a trip!! I’m guessing your post about the show was way better then the show its self. You are way too funny!!
Thats Hilarious, Scotts stupid. It must be in the name because I have a stalker named Scott. He made plans for us to do things together. When I didn’t show up, and didn’t call….he left me a voicemail saying, “Why didn’t you show up? That made me kind of mad at you but I am sure you’ll make it up to me. We’re gonna do something next week.”…..and the cycle continues
Can totally relate to the draw of the train-wreck of reality TV. My downfall are those dating shows. Damn that Blind Date, they just started it all…
Survivor & TAR all the way! Blind date is amusing, too…
LOL I clicked on your “Be my ho” link. You deserve two eprops just for admitting you like reality shows
LOL…..Ok so I guess I am your ho now and you just pimp slapped me!?!? I love FM nation….there are so many crazy teens doing the funniest stuff. I too am highly addicted to the bachelor……poor Gwen!!!
*lmao* I despise Reality TV shows with a PASSION. We all know my guilty pleasure is General Hospital. Doh.Which is no more fake than those reality shows.
And here i was thinking i was the only one who watched FM Nation.. I make it a regular Tuesday night routine at the bar i werk at to be sure and put real world/fm nation on all the tvs… yay, im not alone..
Poor Scott. That’s worse than Blind Date.
I don’t watch a lot of TV anymore.. mostly just ER. I’m such an addict.
LoL I had the exact same feeling while watching that ep of FM Nation.
i giving propz to anyone
oh… dear lord…. that poor boy and his stupid boat lines…. i used to love watching The Real World, but that Vegas cast just isn’t worth watching… I’m glad the Osbournes are coming up soon… love Ozzy & Sharon
ever watch Elimidate? that show cracks me up, how all the guys think they’re the shizznit and all the girls on there are ho’s…
i couldnt find a guestbook! lol thanks for the eprops.. you the booomb. another awesome awesome show — blind date. definitely the best uh.. blind date show there is.
Ahahaha poor Skippy. *shakes head* Reality shows make me cringe…..Dating shows make me feel supremely normal. Hehe.
Me, I’m addicted to 24 *smile*
Hehe, did you watch the Simpsons tonight? Animal Survivor. That was hilarious!
hmmmm… i went to click on your link to the pimps & hoes site. funny thang is i just finished reading an email from my friend reminding me about her pimps & hoes birthday party on saturday… LOLz!
i was just in the midst of deciding if i should go, and what would be a kick-ass pimp outfit. any words of wisdom?
great site, btw! glad finally decided to take the time and visit… ;D
heheh…cute site!!!
i love that episode…i felt sorry for him tho..but then again, i felt sorry for his lady friends. XD
I used to be a super junkie of the reality TV variety, but now it’s GameCube…EVERYTHING IS GAMECUBE! AGGGGGHHHH!!
But hey, I do read the updates for all the shows!
Oh man – there is NO way I could’ve suffered through Scott’s pain. But I do like this FM Nation update. FriendSHIP. God.
that mormon dude was a F’n loser! grow some balls!
Your eProps are just too cute! I just spent a whole 5 minutes watching them bounce up and down. That, I think, says a lot for my sanity.
Ahhhhhh the old “ship” trick *looks confused*…fantastic synopsis. I love these things and what people will do to humiliate themselves on TV.
HAHAH!!! That’s so funny. I’m gonna use the boat tip. Yes yes, the ladies ‘ll totally dig me….I can tell. Lol
~Captain Mo of the FriendSHIP and RelationSHIP
Jeez, this is funny. Poor boy! Wish I had cable…!
Too funny!
LOL!
UK side we have Celebrity Big Brother – AKA How Many of These People Don’t Do Anything For Themselves Anymore
Giggleworthy!
*huggles*
poor scott, he didnt even have a chance….
i saw that episode. i too love reality shows. that guy was such a dork. i went on a date once with a guy like that. it’s like they have no idea how to talk to women. it’s quite hilarious.
oh, and i just found your diary, and i must say it’s pretty bitchin’. wooo hooo!!
Wonderful, astute, acerbic dissection.
Hang on…let me write this down…okay…”When asking a woman out, never use plastic bath toys.” Great! Thanks so much! Now I know I’ve done wrong so many times!!!
moo
=)
Come see my baby! I saw that FM Nation, I almost cried from the pain of watching that guy!
oh my gosh.. those guys at FM Nation must be true sadists.
-James
HAHAAH Scott is a loser..
hey i actually saw that one… he was quite pathetic