October 9, 2002

• The Comment of the Week: “Should you really post such disgusting things on your weblog?” Response: Yes, I really should.  In fact, I really should post it again:

  
  

   

  
  

  I regret to inform you that this will be the final installment of the Stone Cold Kidnapping Saga.  *sobs*

  
  

   

  
  

  THE PLAN: Extort money from Bryan.  I thought it was only fair because Bryan and his henchman (a.k.a. Owen) made me think, albeit momentarily, that I lost the doll.   As I posted in my last entry, I sent an email to my co-workers informing them that the only replacement doll I could find was $75 on eBay.  Bryan wasn’t sure if he should believe me, but I showed him the eBay site with “previously visited” links, and that increased my credibility.  He was THIS close *gestures with two fingers* to coughing up some cash to assuage his guilt.  My intent was to use the money to pay for a happy hour for my co-workers, revealing the scam to Bryan only after the bill was paid. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Later that day, I received this email, purportedly from the Stone Cold doll himself:  

  
  

  
  

  TO:        Danielle

  
  

  FROM:   Stone Cold Steve Austin

  
  

  RE:        Stone Cold Fund

  
  

   

  
  

  Listen here, little missy! What?  You got some nerve trying to extort money from these folks after what you did to me.  What?  First you kidnap me.  What?  And then you dress me up like a little princess.  What?  And then you let your little Ken doll have his way with me.  What?  Not to mention the things you did with me that you didn’t post on the internet.  I mean, c’mon Danielle, I’m sure you could find a real person to have sex with.  You don’t need to molest some poor little defenseless action figure.  What? 

  
  

  Anyhoo, your little charade has cost me my dignity and humanity.  I mean, how am I gonna explain all this to my wife beater buddies?  Although I am pleased to know that I am a collectors’ item, the action figure napping has assuredly diminished my value.  What kind of self-respecting Stone Cold junkie would buy me, now that a picture of me getting raped by Ken is all over the internet.  Look at what happened to Ned Beatty’s career after Deliverance. 

  
  

  Quit hittin’ these poor folks up for money.  You’re lucky I don’t whip your hide like I did my wife.

  
  

  Soon after, the Ken Doll replied to Stone Cold:  

  
  

  
  

  TO:        Stone Cold Steve Austin

  
  

  FROM:    Ken Doll

  
  

  RE:        Stone Cold Fund

  
  

   

  
  

  My precious little Princess,

  
  

  
  It is amazing what two men can do even without genitalia. I’ll always cherish the memories.  I’ll miss you, lover. 

  
  

   

  
  

  xoxo

  
  

  Kenny 

  
  

  Oddly, Stone Cold didn’t write back.  

  
  

  Then the joke started to fall apart.  First, I lost my eBay auction. I didn’t really bid $75 for a Stone Cold doll, but I was willing to part with a measly five bucks to have a Stone Cold “stunt double”. Sadly, Kerr-bear555 outbid me by fifty cents.  *shakes fist at Kerr-bear555* I was morally opposed to paying more than five bucks for that stupid doll, so I bailed on the auction.  Annoyingly, I received several unsolicited emails from other eBay-ers offering to sell me a variety of pro-wrestling actions figures.  *eye roll*  

  
  

  Second, Bryan was beginning to smell the smelly smell of something that smells smelly.  After minimal investigation on eBay, he discovered that other Stone Cold dolls were available for under $15.  All was not lost, however.  I still could convince him that the $15 doll was not “genuine” Stone Cold merchandise, or that I must have been ripped off. 

  
  

  And third – the proverbial nail in the coffin of the joke – co-worker Jay (a.k.a. “Party Pooper”) informed eBay newbie Bryan that one can look up closed auctions on eBay.  Of course, with this information, Bryan confirmed that I had not paid $75 for a replacement doll.  The joke was over.  *shoots dagger eyes at Jay* For the next few days, Bryan kept the doll locked in the credenza in his office, but now Stone Cold is once again prominently displayed on his bookshelf . . .    

  
  

  With Prince Ken doll’s crown.  

  
  

  Next time on Danielle’s blog:  My hairstylist turned my hair bright orange.

  
  

   

  • 10:32 am
  • 72 Comments