September 18, 2002

• I’M BEING FRAMED!

  
  

  WARNING: This is tangentially related to pro-wrestling.  However, Rikishi’s thong-clad arse shows up nowhere in this blog. 

  
  

  I have this coworker.  Let’s call him “Bryan”. Oh wait, that’s actually his real name.  Oops!  Well, here’s a picture of Bryan, but to protect his identity, I’ve covered his eyes just like they do in those “Fashion Don’t” pictures in Cosmo:

  
  

  

  
  

  [Please note, that despite being a hard core pro-wrestling fan, Bryan does not have a mullet.  That extra hair belongs to his wife who is sitting next to him in the picture.]

  
  

  Bryan happens to have an unnatural fixation on the wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin (yeah, that’s right, the wife beater). Bryan even keeps a Steve Austin doll in his office.  Well, he calls it an “action figure”, but come on . . . who’s he trying to kid? Sadly, this weekend, someone abducted the Steve Austin doll from Bryan’s office, leaving only this ransom note behind:

  
  

  

  
  

  On Monday, Bryan received an email, purportedly from the evil masterminds behind the abduction, with a picture attachment serving as proof of life [We briefly interrupt this blog in order to fantasize about Russell Crowe . . . . . . . .  Thank you. We will now return to the regularly scheduled blog].  The email detailed the abductors’ first demand:  

  
  

  
  

  FROM:   Dollnapperz@yahoo.com

  
  

  RE:        STONE COLD

  
  

  
  

  We have abducted Stone Cold.  If you ever want to see him again, you must comply with our demands!

  
  

  Demand One: 

  
  

  You must wear the royal blue Mickey Mouse sweatshirt for a total of six (6) hours tomorrow.  That time may be reduced by ONE HOUR for each of the following tasks you accomplish between the hours of 9:30 a.m. – 6:00 p.m. on Tuesday:  

  
  

  (1) Ask [NAME DELETED] if you can borrow his suspenders because they go well with your sweatshirt.

  
  

  (2) Serenade [NAME DELETED] with “Blue” by Eiffel 65. Your voice must be at least two octaves higher than usual. 

  
  

  (3) Approach [NAME DELETED], point to your sweatshirt and chant, “Oh Mickey, he’s so fine, he’s so fine he blows my mind. Hey Mickey!” Subtract an extra hour if you perform the chant using pom-poms.  You probably have some stashed away in your closet, you sicko.

  
  

  (4) Ask [NAME DELETED] if the sweatshirt makes you look like you have “man breasts”. 

  
  

  Another associate must be present to verify that you performed the task satisfactorily.  If you reveal to the partner your reason for your behavior then you will not receive credit for the task. 

  
  

  We will contact you soon with further demands.

  
  

  THE DOLLNAPPERZ

  
  

  

  
  

  Bryan — mimicking Reagan-style foreign policy — refused to negotiate with the “Dollnapperz”. Instead, he sent me (and our coworkers) this email:  

  
  

  
  

  Besides, I already know who the culprit is.  There is only one person at [this firm] (and perhaps the entire world) who:  (1) is sufficiently anti-social that she has nothing better to do on a weekend than cut and paste from magazines the “ransom note” that appeared in my office this morning; and (2) has the technical prowess (and a digital camera) to author that e-mail.  Danielle, kindly return Stone Cold Steve Austin or we will both open a can of whoopass on you.  As you know, Stone Cold don’t take kindly to uppity women. 

  
  

  *feigned look of horror* He accused me of theft (er, I mean, “dollnapping”), mocked my Perpetual State of Datelessness (HEY! I’m just picky, ok?!), and then threatened me with violence (I’m assuming that is what “open[ing] up a can of whoopass” means, but I haven’t heard that phrase since junior high). That’s not nice.  Oh, but it gets worse.  Bryan served an additional low blow . . . one that could be rivaled only by Stone Cold himself . . . he made fun of my television viewing habits:

  
  

  
  

  By the way, one more reason that I know the culprit is Danielle:  Danielle’s “demand” is a thinly-veiled take-off on the hit NBC reality show “Meet My Folks,” wherein the producers force the contestants to perform embarrasing tasks by threatening to reveal more embarrasing secrets about the contestants to the “Folks.”  Hilarity ensues.  Danielle (and me, of course) is the only person I know who actually watches that show.  Indeed her goal in life is to be a contestant.  Danielle, you have now been confronted with incontrovertible evidence of your guilt.  Give up Stone Cold now or suffer the consequences. 

  
  

  That hurt. Really. Perhaps if Bryan watched a little less wrestling and focused a little more on book learnin’, he would have known how to spell “embarrassing” correctly. But I digress.  My other co-workers pointed out that Bryan’s ”damning evidence” made several of them possible suspects. Would he listen? Noooo!  Moreover, Bryan’s cavalier attitude toward the abductors only strengthened their resolve.  This morning, they sent another demand email, along with a new picture:  

  
  

  
  

  FROM:   Dollnapperz@yahoo.com

  
  

   

  
  

  RE:         Demand Two 

  
  

  You failed to meet our initial demands.  Stone Cold must suffer the consequences. He’s our pretty little princess now! Muahahahaha! To avoid further emasculation of your precious dolly, I suggest you follow our future demands.  

  
  

  Demand Two:  

  
  

  Our sources tell us that you are conducting an interview today.  During this interview, you must do at least three (3) of the following:   

  
  

  (1) Ask, “If you had to choose, would you want sock puppets permanently attached to your hands, or clown makeup tattooed to your face?” 

  
  

  (2) Conduct the entire interview facing the opposite direction of the interviewee.  However, you are permitted to spin your chair in a full circle no more than three times, as long as you say “Wheeeeeee!” while doing it. 

  
  

  (3) Speak only in rhyme. 

  
  

  (4) Say, “Did you just fart? Oh wait, that was me. Sorry.” 

  
  

  (5) Unbutton your shirt and manipulate your stomach so it looks like your belly button is asking all the interview questions.  Bonus points if you draw eyes on your stomach.   

  
  

  Once again, if you attempt to explain to the interviewee the reason for your behavior, you will not receive credit for fulfilling the task.  If you do not comply with this demand, you will receive a little “surprise” in inter-office mail tomorrow. 

  
  

  THE DOLLNAPPERZ

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Once again, Bryan was quick to point the finger at me, stating that the purple dress was a dead giveaway.  He also noted how convenient it was that I was scheduled to interview the same candidate right after him.  Admittedly, I understand why Bryan suspects me . . . but don’t you think these clues are a bit too obvious?! The only logical conclusion is that someone is trying to frame me. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Of course, I did ask the candidate if Bryan asked her any “unusual interview questions.”  She said he asked her if she passed gas, but after subjecting her to a rigorous cross-examination, she soon confessed that Bryan told her to tell me that.  I bet he threatened to “open a can of whoopass” on her, too. Clearly, Bryan violated the abductors’ rules.  I can only wonder what the abductors will do to the poor Steve Austin doll now . . . *shudders at the thought*

  
  

   

  
  

  If YOU were the one behind the abduction of Bryan’s dolly, what would you do next?  What would you require Bryan to do?  And what would Steve Austin be doing in the next picture you send to Bryan? 

  
  

   

  
  

  It’s not like I’m asking for ideas because I’m somehow involved in this. Not at all. Oh no.  *bats eyelashes innocently*

  
  

   

  
  

  

  • 11:21 pm
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