1. Flush. Toilets don’t come with instructions, but they aren’t hard to figure it out. Use your foot if you don’t want to touch the handle. And check to make sure everything went down with no tell-tale skid marks. If you are squeamish about looking at your own shit, think about how others feel when they get an eyeful of the presents you’ve left behind. Keep flushing until you’ve done the job right, dammit.
2. Don’t leave the paper toilet seat cover on the toilet seat. If you are using a toilet seat cover, you already have an appreciation for avoiding butt germs from strangers. Leaving the toilet seat cover for someone else to dispose of is just rude. What makes you think your butt germs are better than anyone else’s?
3. After you are done with your dirty business, wash your hands and get the hell out. Some people (me) have shy bladders and cannot urinate when others are within earshot. Proper hygiene is important, but there is no need to spend five minutes scrubbing in like you are about to perform heart surgery.
4. Whenever possible, leave at least a one-stall buffer zone between you and the next person. I don’t care if you have a “favorite” stall you like to use. Always use the stall that is the farthest away from everyone else.
5. Ladies, close the goddamn top of the sanitary napkin dispenser after you’ve shoved your bloody, monster-sized pad (with wings) in it.
6. No talking. No moaning, no groaning, no sighing. I don’t care if you just squeezed out a poo the size of Loch Ness. QUIET ON THE SET!!!
