October 11, 2006

• I Did Not Have Sex with That Man, Gary Gulman

  Or, Why You Should Poop Before Your Special Man Friend Says Something Hysterical

   

  I’ve written extensively about comedian Gary Gulman’s obsession with me.  I totally understand why this perpetually-sweaty manly-man would want a piece of my sweet ass, so I’ve politely tolerated Gary’s unsolicited sexual advances (that cannot be seen by the naked eye).  I didn’t realize, however, that his undying fixation on me would affect my relationship.   Sure, I noticed Special Man Friend’s (“SMF”) pouts when I said I wanted to watch Tourgasm on HBO.  And I detected his ever-so-slightly accusing tone when he asked me why I liked my Funny Bone Comedy Club souvenir glass so damn much. But it was during a moment of alcohol-induced honesty when SMF finally asked:

   

  “So you haven’t had sex with Gary Gulman?”

   

  “Gary Coleman — I won’t deny it, but Gary Gulman? No. Are you being serious?” I asked.

   

  Indeed, he was.

   

  I burst out laughing.  In fact, I laughed so hard . . . I farted.  In an effort to cover up this embarrassing faux pas, I said, “You made me laugh so hard I farted!” (Clever, yes?) He said the farting didn’t bother him, but he’s a fucking liar.  Obviously a man would prefer a non-farting girlfriend over a farting one, right?

   

  Thanks, Gary.  Thanks a lot!

   

  See previous Gary posts HERE, HERE and HERE.

   

   

  • 9:16 am
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