October 9, 2005
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Caption This!
Stuff I Hate
19. That my leg hair seems to grow 100 times faster between the hours of 8:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Even if I pass the early morning leg hair test (by running the palm of my hand up and down my leg to make sure there is no unsightly stubble), I will always have gorilla legs by lunchtime.
20. The pinhole that is poked into every Starbucks coffee lid underneath the words “Caution Contents Hot.” You don’t recall seeing it? It’s there. Go look right now. I’ll wait . . . . okay. Is there a purpose for that little hole? I mean, other than to squirt drops of grande non-fat no whip mocha on my forehead each time I take a swig?
21. Figuring out the plural form for Starbucks. For example, I was telling my boss how many Starbucks locations there are immediately off exit ramps on I-64 (I can’t tell you how to get to my house, but I know there is a Starbucks located 0.5 miles off of Exit 256B, even though the sign says it is 1.3 miles away). I could have said “Starbucks locations” like I did in the last sentence, but that would be intellectually lazy. Instead, I’ll take a blog poll. What is the plural form of Starbucks? Starbuckes?
22. People who think they can pluralize any word by adding an apostrophe s. That really gets on my nerve’s!
23. Xangans who constantly update the date/time stamp on their old, unedited entries so they appear at the top of my SIR list every fucking minute. Dude, I already read your shit.
24. That annoying beep from Nextel Direct Connect Walkie Talkies. Still, that the beep doesn’t annoy me as much as cell phones clipped to one’s belt. I mean, really.
25. People who wear those hands-free cell phone headset devices on their ear even when they aren’t talking on the phone. Hello? Are you a goddamn cyborg?
26. Misleading sales ads. Like when I see a sign on top of a clothing rack that says “SALE! $10.00 and up!” I suppose the key words are “AND UP” because usually, except for one cheap ass tank in a size zero that is marked down to $10.00, everything else on the rack is $58.00.
27. That the shortened form of the word ‘refrigerator’ is ‘fridge.’ Shouldn’t it be ‘frige’? Where did the letter d come from? Someone explain this to me now.
28. People in the service industry who call me a fat ass by pretending to give “helpful suggestions” about my order. Examples:
TheGoddess: I’d like a Coke, please.
Waitress: A diet Coke?
TheGoddess: I’d like a grande mocha, please.
Barista: Non-fat and no whip?
29. The concierge at the hotel in D.C. I stayed at last month. I asked him where the closest Starbucks was located, and he told me that there wasn’t a Starbucks nearby per se, but the hotel across the street had a Starbucks stand open every weekday. Au contraire mon frere! The dumby concierge is a big fat liar. The hotel across the street had a coffee bar, but it was not a Starbucks. I think it was called Perk Works. Perk Works?! Listen, you can call any dark-colored carbonated beverage a Coke, you can call any plastic covering for your leftovers Saran Wrap, and you can call any copy you make a Xerox copy. BUT THE WORD “STARBUCKS” CANNOT BE USED AS A BRAND EPONYM TO DESCRIBE ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES COFFEE. Starbucks is Starbucks. Everything else is just coffee. So sayeth me.
Try Finding A Bra For This
When Lindsay Lohan said she was going to work out with a trainer and eat healthy because she “wanted her boobs back,” she should have been more specific about the location. [Photo from The Superficial.com]
Random Email Exchange
TheGoddess: The only things you left in the hotel room that I saw were your deodorant and a comb. I packed both. I’ve been using your deodorant to control my crotch sweat, but I’m happy to return it.
Heidi: That’s funny. I’ve been using the deodorant to control feminine wetness!
TheGoddess: I guess that means we’ve technically had sex.
Heidi: Yeah, and that’s not even counting that time we were really drunk.
From JORDANSMORGASBORDEN: The Funniest Niece on the Planet
Age 9
Jordan: That was the first kiss I’ve received from someone who wasn’t a relative. – announced to our dolphin swim group after she got a ‘kiss’ from Lester the Dolphin at Discovery Cove.
Heidi: (assisting Jordan with science homework) Which of these scientists thought the earth was the center of the universe?
Jordan: Cornucopias.
Jordan: I like your t-shirt.
TheGoddess: Do you even know what it means?
Jordan: (indignant) Yes! It is talking about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez.
Jordan: Mom, what is that pink triangle thing on Brady [her dog]?
Heidi: That’s his penis.
Jordan: (giggling) Do all boys have one of those?
Heidi: Well, it looks a little different on a human, but yes, all boys have a penis.
Jordan: (still giggling) I’ve never seen one before… they’re gross.
Jordan: (singing Avril Lavigne’s Complicated) . . . take off all your crappy clothes.
(We are teasing Jordan for getting the lyrics wrong)
Jordan: Stop making fun of me!
Heidi: Maybe you need to learn the lyrics.
Jordan: Maybe [Avril] needs to learn to be a better singer.
Jordan: I’ve decided that when I get married, I’m going to have my wedding in Hawaii . . . but my groom is going to pay for the airfare.
Jordan: In thirty years, we will have clothes that can talk. And that will be cool. [Ed. Note: I’m not sure I want to hear what Jordan’s underwear has to say].
More Offensive T-Shirts From My Collection
From T-Shirt Hell, which brought back their Worst From Hell T-Shirts, no doubt because of the overwhelming response to my call to arms.
My t-shirts don’t just offend; they also raise money for breast cancer research:
I had to wear a bra for this picture. Boobs, support . . . get it? Ha! October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so go buy your t-shirt HERE.
MORE INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE THAT GARY GULMAN WANTS ME TO HAVE HIS HOT, COOKIE-LOVIN’ BABIES
see previous Gary entries HERE and HERE
Not surprisingly, Gary did send me a totally unsolicited (except I gave him my address) autographed picture of himself, as promised:
At first I thought there was no way this was actually Gary’s signature. It was probably a stock photo forged by some PR person because surely Gary is too busy lusting after me to sign autographs, right? But he must’ve made an exception for me. When I attended another show of his a few months later, he begged that I let him sign one of his CDs to give to me. Reluctantly, I agreed. I personally witnessed him autograph the CD, and after extensive analysis, I’ve concluded that the handwriting is the same as above, even though he signed the CD “Gary Gut.” Gary Gut?
I can’t help but notice that, once again, Gary added a HEART, TWO Xs and TWO Os. That’s two kisses and two hugs, folks, which is practically making out. At this point, I started to feel a bit guilty about Gary’s shameless crush on me; after all, he does have a girlfriend. But before I could break free from his love-grasp, Gary insisted I take another picture with him, so there would be photographic evidence that he did not, in fact, have sweaty pits after this particular show.
I know this picture looks innocent, but I swear on the baby Jesus (even though I’m not religious) that Gary isn’t wearing any pants. I had to crop out the good dirty parts to protect the virgin eyes of my younger readers, so you’ll have to take my word on this one.
Given our busy schedules, we probably won’t see each other again for a while, but Gary promised to write often:
Comments (48)
Not only do you have great tee-shirts but you ah.. fill them out, so nicely.
I’m sure I won’t be the only one to tell you this. But I will be the only one to tell you, who doesn’t want to sleep with you.
I mean, I would.. but only if I had to. Ya know.
ha I love T-Shirt Hell. You`re hilarious.
That first picture is…odd.
You make any shirt look good.
I always thought a good idea for a t-shirt would be one for small chested women, with lettering on the front that was distorted to look like it was stretched out over the breast area.
You would not need this shirt.
Gary has such a crush on you. I bet he feels it in every part of his body, even his weiner.
Oh lord! I love your gary gut obsession. It really tickles me. I have to agree with the first commentor on your shirts. I am SO glad they brought back worse than hell. Now i can get the shirt about liking my women like i like my coffee.. ground up and in the freezer.
Thanks for another wonderful update!
OH i have to caption that photo!
“This looks so familiar… dad?”
as a barista at starbucks i will have to say that them offering it non-fat and no-whip is just their little way of spying on you in inappropriate ways. however, that plural thing gets me. it didn’t before i thought it was starbuck’s… but no. they don’t pay for that apostrophe.
That thing morons do with apostrophes drives me nuts, too. Almost as much as people that can’t figure out the difference between “lose” and “loose”. I mean, really people. The “fridge” thing has always been a mystery to me. That extra “d” is a mystery that may never be solved. Let’s say the plural of Starbucks is Starbucks, like deer is deer. Oh, hang on- I have a pro here. My hubby worked at the corporate office in Seattle, and he says they would say, “we have five Starbucks on this street.” So, there’s that. And lastly, once when I asked a waiter for extra blue cheese dressing for my enormous salad, he looked at the tiny dish that came with the salad and said, “That’s a lot of blue cheese.” Bastard.
haha well at least tell us why?!
For the caption this: “I can’t believe this it, but this is the best part of this crappy movie. I went from Lady MacBeth to this?!”
I think you hate a lot more things than I do.
*laughing* I love the shirts as well….who won’t funny stuff, nice boobs, duh
I’m never witty enough to play the captions game…
Anyway
ryc: I think I may have just blown an eyeball out from laughing so hard.
regarding the caption…first thing that popped in my head was a song lyric: “Knock knock knockin’ on heaven’s door….”
Somehow, I think I’m going to hell for it.
Well, maybe if you commented we would stop using the same material. Shut up, I’m not a whore.
Hilarious.
And damnit, you have boobs, dude!
Gorgeous boobs, even !!
I now officially hate you.
I’mso happy to see an update here! Awesome. And that apostrophe thing? Bothers me even more than the your vs. you’re thing.
Just love the T-shirts. *wiping drool off computer*
Nice t-shirts and great boobs!
Jordan is great! Where does she get that stuff??
I love that last t-shirt.
And #23 — I sooooo agree with you on that! That’s #1 on my ”things I hate” list.
Your boobs are hot!
I can say that and you don’t have to be weired out because I’m a girl.
haha
Lol, that’s a serious obsession you’ve got going! But for the record, you two look great together. He looks just as happy to be next to you as you are to him! If you broke up Brad & J-Lo, then I’m sure Gary & his current honey will be a piece of cake.
Jordan’s adorable. Mental note: get a niece.
Duh, Starbucks’. Just like prints from a guy I was dating, they were Nils’. But totally to be avoided. Oh…. #22. Okay, kill me.
I honestly think there is no answer, because saying “sses”, though it’s right, just sounds ignorant.
#28? Holy god.
Why do I feel the need to talk back to everything you said?
LOVE the Atkins Approved one. Why have I not expressed myself in t-shirt form yet?!?!
Caption this: “Where’s the f*cking doorbell?”
Caption (entering lead singer of AC/DC’s house —pre-death of course): “Wow…. Bon Scott wasn’t lyin when he said he has the biggest, balls of them all….”
cheesy i know…but i thought it was funny.
LOVE your tshirts girl…. nice rack too.
you know, i don’t think i’ve ever even seen a Starbucks, much less know how to pluralize it….. sorry I cannot be of any help.
Haha, nice t-shirts. And I think the little pin-sized hole is to let steam out so that it doesn’t burn your mouth upon contact (moreso than usual, that is). Just an FYI! Lol.
hi there! glad to see you again. i have a lot of catching up to do.
This is possibly the greatest blog ever.
Also…if you ever come to Louisville, I must take you to Day’s for real coffee!
i’m a first time reader of your site–quite funny, i might say! it’s bloggers like you that inspire us–and really deserve to be on featured content, not those emo kids! lol.
-mike
Forget the pink triangle thing, what I wonder about is ‘what is that upside down valentine in your first picture. funny stuff
nice pictures
nice pictures
JtheP – male peace (ok, ok..)
Those G’s are totally different…. who changes their signature after the age of 18? It should be the same… That boy ain’t right, but still is quite hot.
Gary Gut totally digs you!
Thanks for the laughs.
Caption: “Little did Sahim Abab know that all 40 of the virgins he was promised would be Jehovah’s Witnesses”
(I laugh at my own joke! ha ha!)
Misuse of apostrophes is practically a banning offence with me.. drives me utterly bats.
I
Tshirthell.com – have been wearing an “Easy like Sunday morning” girls’ baseball shirt for a few weeks now, and loooove it 
To make you miss college a little less, what you might not have gleaned from my ramble about the Human Rights subjects I’m taking is that I’m taking four subjects this year, I work full time, volunteer in a local high school and now – apparently – study Mandarin in what I laughingly refer to as my lunchbreaks. I’m looking forward to missing uni..
:::hehe::: I don’t even know what to comment about first. I love reading your entries. They always make my day…
I also am jealous of your boobs..Mine are the same size, but are sitting on top of an 8 months pregnant belly so are thus not really all that noticeable…
“The pinhole that is poked into every Starbucks coffee lid underneath the words “Caution Contents Hot.” You don’t recall seeing it? It’s there. Go look right now. I’ll wait . . . . okay. Is there a purpose for that little hole? “
Yup, if the hole wasn’t there, you wouldn’t be able to take sips. Physics.
Caption: “Daddy?”
A friend recommended your xanga to me, and I must say, it is divine. I love it.
Caption This: Gee, I wonder if I could fit these in my mouth, they would go great with that vibrator I picked up the other day.
wow. you get so many comments. mine must be like a tiny dump in the sewer of life, but i’m leaving it anyway. nice work, interesting…colorful…hot pictures! this must be why…wait for it…wait for it…they call you “the goddess”.
yes, i know, i’m very observant. that’s why they call me “dumpy, the observant guy”. it’s a pet name. and…actually…very few people call me that.
bye.
Cellphones clipped on the belt. Hahahaha! I hate that also.
You need to tell a guy when you start posting regularly again. Glad to see it.
Bwa hah ha! Freakin’ HILARIOUS. And long. Damn. What do you do? Save these things up over time and just post it all at once?
Anyway, this’ll probably be my last comment on your site because I’m guessing my wife won’t let me come back her on account of gratuitous boob shots.
(So, search for me by IP address, instead.)
As was stated above, the plural or Starbucks is the same as the singular. Ex: I’ve worked at four different Starbucks on various occasions. The pinhole is to get a little air in the cup so it doesn’t get all clogged and spurt out the drinking hole and kill you. At least, that’s my theory after three years with the company. Oh, and good for you for getting no-whip, non fat. If you get non-fat WITH whip, we totally laugh at you. Same for a frapp lite with whip. Whipped cream adds a hundred twenty calories.
FaerieCobweb: Why laugh? Maybe some people (*caugh*me) love the whipped cream, but want to intake as little calories as possible, so they sacrifice and get the nonfat..
1. I wear a cell phone on my belt because i need to be able to see if someone’s calling while I’m in class! plus, I don’t like it to sound like I have a vibrator in my purse for emergencies…when its on my belt, people can SEE that its a phone, not a pleasuring device.
2. Why are your boobs so huge and mine are not? I’M the one who had a kid. that is just ridiculous.
You know, I was flipping through Cosmo and I came upon a tampon ad that may possibly be more disturbing than the one above. No, I’m not kidding. You know how perfume ads have the little fold over tabs you unfold to smell the sample? Yeah well Tampax now gives you a chanse to SMELL the fresh scent of pre-vag tampon. I for one am SO glad they did that because I was getting really sick of the weird stares I was getting when I opened every scented box of tampons at Walgreens before I bought them.
-Laura