Tampons Aren’t Supposed to Smell Like Roses

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“Tampax Fresh – the only cardboard tampon that doesn’t smell like cardboard.”

This is a real ad.  Ripped right out of the People magazine from my dentist’s office.  Tampax is now offering the first scented tampon. Scented?! What kind of sicko smells a tampon? Do you really care what a tampon smells like when you first take it out of the box? Believe me, after a ‘pon has been marinating in your bloody coot for a few hours, it is not going to make a difference if it originally smelled like cardboard or a field of daisies.

I double dog dare any of you to argue that this is NOT the dumbest ad campaign ever. What the hell is going on in this picture?  Under what circumstances would a woman ever be in her nightgown, holding Tampax under her chin while sitting in a . . . lake? Plus, no respectable woman would wear white when Little Red Riding Hood comes for a visit during Butt Sex Only Week.  Certainly not after Labor Day!  Please.

Caption This!

Stuff I Hate

19.  That my leg hair seems to grow 100 times faster between the hours of 8:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m.  Even if I pass the early morning leg hair test (by running the palm of my hand up and down my leg to make sure there is no unsightly stubble), I will always have gorilla legs by lunchtime.

20.  The pinhole that is poked into every Starbucks coffee lid underneath the words “Caution Contents Hot.” You don’t recall seeing it? It’s there. Go look right now.  I’ll wait . . . . okay.  Is there a purpose for that little hole? I mean, other than to squirt drops of grande non-fat no whip mocha on my forehead each time I take a swig?

21.  Figuring out the plural form for Starbucks.  For example, I was telling my boss how many Starbucks locations there are immediately off exit ramps on I-64 (I can’t tell you how to get to my house, but I know there is a Starbucks located 0.5 miles off of Exit 256B, even though the sign says it is 1.3 miles away).  I could have said “Starbucks locations” like I did in the last sentence, but that would be intellectually lazy.  Instead, I’ll take a blog poll.  What is the plural form of Starbucks? Starbuckes?

22.  People who think they can pluralize any word by adding an apostrophe s.   That really gets on my nerve’s!

23.  Xangans who constantly update the date/time stamp on their old, unedited entries so they appear at the top of my SIR list every fucking minute.  Dude, I already read your shit.

24.  That annoying beep from Nextel Direct Connect Walkie Talkies.  Still, that the beep doesn’t annoy me as much as cell phones clipped to one’s belt.  I mean, really.

25.  People who wear those hands-free cell phone headset devices on their ear even when they aren’t talking on the phone.  Hello? Are you a goddamn cyborg?

26.  Misleading sales ads.  Like when I see a sign on top of a clothing rack that says “SALE! $10.00 and up!”  I suppose the key words are “AND UP” because usually, except for one cheap ass tank in a size zero that is marked down to $10.00, everything else on the rack is $58.00. 

27.  That the shortened form of the word ‘refrigerator’ is ‘fridge.’ Shouldn’t it be ‘frige’?  Where did the letter d come from? Someone explain this to me now.

28.   People in the service industry who call me a fat ass by pretending to give “helpful suggestions” about my order.  Examples:

            TheGoddess: I’d like a Coke, please.

            Waitress: A diet Coke?

            TheGoddess: I’d like a grande mocha, please.

            Barista: Non-fat and no whip?

29.  The concierge at the hotel in D.C. I stayed at last month.  I asked him where the closest Starbucks was located, and he told me that there wasn’t a Starbucks nearby per se, but the hotel across the street had a Starbucks stand open every weekday.  Au contraire mon frere!  The dumby concierge is a big fat liar.  The hotel across the street had a coffee bar, but it was not a Starbucks.  I think it was called Perk Works.  Perk Works?!  Listen, you can call any dark-colored carbonated beverage a Coke, you can call any plastic covering for your leftovers Saran Wrap, and you can call any copy you make a Xerox copy.  BUT THE WORD “STARBUCKS” CANNOT BE USED AS A BRAND EPONYM TO DESCRIBE ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES COFFEE.  Starbucks is Starbucks.  Everything else is just coffee.  So sayeth me.  

Try Finding A Bra For This

When Lindsay Lohan said she was going to work out with a trainer and eat healthy because she “wanted her boobs back,” she should have been more specific about the location. [Photo from The Superficial.com] 

 Random Email Exchange

TheGoddess: The only things you left in the hotel room that I saw were your deodorant and a comb.  I packed both.  I’ve been using your deodorant to control my crotch sweat, but I’m happy to return it.

Heidi: That’s funny.  I’ve been using the deodorant to control feminine wetness!

TheGoddess: I guess that means we’ve technically had sex.

Heidi: Yeah, and that’s not even counting that time we were really drunk.

From JORDANSMORGASBORDEN: The Funniest Niece on the Planet

Age 9

Jordan: That was the first kiss I’ve received from someone who wasn’t a relative. – announced to our dolphin swim group after she got a ‘kiss’ from Lester the Dolphin at Discovery Cove.   

Heidi: (assisting Jordan with science homework) Which of these scientists thought the earth was the center of the universe?

Jordan: Cornucopias.

Jordan: I like your t-shirt.

TheGoddess: Do you even know what it means?

Jordan: (indignant) Yes! It is talking about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez.

From T-Shirt Hell, which brought back their Worst From Hell T-Shirts, no doubt because of the overwhelming response to my call to arms.