Month: October 2004

  • I Luuurve Me Some Gary Gulman



     


    I never thought I was star struck. Until I saw Gary Gulman in person. He is a beautiful man. And while the rest of you were watching some so-called history-in-the-making baseball game or whatever on Wednesday night, I was getting a handful of Gary Gulman’s back sweat. Aww yeah!


     


    I decided I had to preserve Gary’s (yeah, we are totally on a first name basis now, except for the fact that he doesn’t know my name) sexy mug in digital form, so I brought my camera to the comedy club. Problem is, my stupid digital camera has a crappy-ass battery life which allows me to take, on average, 1.6 pictures per year. I charged it for hours before the show, hoping it would be ready to perform when the time came.


     


    The show itself was great. In defense of Gary’s over-achieving sweat glands, the club’s computers (used to run credit cards) went down, and Gary was asked to stretch out his act to buy time. While I was blessed with an extra 45 minutes of Gary Gulman goodness, that meant an extra 45 minutes for Gary to bake under the hot stage lights.


     


    After the show, I stalked the area in case Gary decided to make an appearance. I didn’t have to wait long. He burst into the bar — obviously trying to catch part of the game on the TV – but he was quickly bombarded by fans. I went right up to him and asked if I could take his picture. He flashed his dimpled smile and politely agreed to pose with me.


     


    My damn camera didn’t work.


     


    Another fan pulled him away.  I turned my camera off and then turned it back on (sometimes this works, mmmmkay?). I got Gary’s attention a second time. “Can we try again?” I asked.


     


    My damn camera didn’t work. Again.


     


    Turned camera off. Turned camera on. It looked like it was finally coming to life.


     


    “One more time,” I begged to Gary, “Please.”


     


    He forced a smile and reluctantly agreed. I wrapped my arm around him and placed my hand at the small of his back.  His shirt was drenched.  My hand took a dip right in the middle of a big, Gary Gulman back sweat party.


     


    My camera worked.


      



     


    Pit sweat has never been this hot.




    Jordansmorgasborgen: The Funniest Niece on the Planet


    (age 9)


     


    On the election:


     


    Jordan: “I’m voting [at Nick.com] for John Kerry.”


    Heidi: “What made you choose him?”


    Jordan: “He has a skinnier head, which means he can fit in more places. During war, it’s important for the president to be able to hide.“


     


    [TheGoddess says: One more good reason not to vote for Bush.]


     


    * * *


     



    Jordan: “I hope the crows don’t come down and peck them out.” – admiring the sparkly studs in her newly pierced ears.


     


    * * *


     


    Jordan: “If you turn it upside down, it looks like he’s skydiving.” – said directly to the artist (P. Buckley Moss) of the following print of the crucifixion of Christ:


     



     


    The response from Moss? “Skydiving is probably more fun.”


     


    * * *


     


    Jordan: Have you ever thought about trying out for The Apprentice?


    Me: Yes, but to be on that show, you have to be young and hot.


    Jordan: You’re . . . young.


    Me: HEY!!!


    Jordan: What? You look, like, twenty.


    Me: No, you said I was young, but you didn’t say hot. You don’t think I’m hot?


    Jordan: *pause* You’re . . . medium.




    I Don’t Get It


     



    I don’t get ANY of Secret’s new “scents.” The shiny purple label of Secret’s Violet Dazzle Deodorant caught my eye while I was grocery shopping the other day. I typically buy products that are in purple packaging, with no regard to cost, effectiveness or necessity, but Violet Dazzle confused me. At first I thought it was like that roll-on body glitter stuff that you see some women wear out to a club.  It would be weird to have glittery pits, I thought. But then I noticed that Secret’s Violet Dazzle deodorant is neither purple nor glittery.  According to Secret’s website, Violet Dazzle is one of its new “dazzling” scents.  How does a scent dazzle?


     


    I also discovered a number of other perplexing scents made by Secret: Moonlit Rose, Pear Illusion, Peach Shimmer and Berry Sparkle. I appreciate Secret’s descriptive efforts, but the berry does not sparkle and the peach does not shimmer. If I stare at Pear Illusion long enough, will I be able to see a hidden picture? And doesn’t a Rose in any type of light smell just as sweet?


     


    Then there are the scents that aren’t actual scents. For example, the Secret Invisible Solid (“Micronized formula that glides on clear” – what does micronized mean? Word does not recognize it) comes in the “scents” of Ambition, Genuine and Optimism.  Can anyone tell me what genuine smells like? “My, you smell very optimistic today.”


     


    Secret also offers a variety scents that I’m not at all convinced are nice-smelling: Glacier Mist, Mystic Rain and Ocean Breeze. Does a glacier even have a smell? Does it feel really cold going on? What is so mystical about Secret’s Mystic Rain? And do I really want to smell like the ocean? People piss in the ocean.


     


    And what’s the difference between Powder Fresh and Velvet Powder? Is Velvet Powder not equally as fresh? And which is the better fresh feeling – Powder Fresh or Shower Fresh? What about Tropical Radiance v. Tropical Satin? The Tropics are hot. Heat makes me sweat. Sort of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?


     


    And finally, there is the Unscented v. Regular debate. Is there a difference? I guess unscented is better than, say, stinky scented (i.e., no deodorant at all), but if Regular isn’t the same as Unscented, it must have a scent. And if it has a scent, was scent is it?


     


    Next Time on I Don’t Get It: Anti-cellulite pantyhose.


     



     


    Photographic evidence that I don’t make this shit up.


     


    Sidebar: you wouldn’t believe the weird looks you get when you take pictures of pantyhose in the middle of a crowded Wal-Mart.




    Random Funnies


     


    “I think I made a gay man very happy today!” – an email from Mom


     


    * * *


    Mother to young daughter in a store: Brandi, don’t wander out of the store . . . Brandi, stay here! Brandi!! Come back here RIGHT NOW!!!


     


    (Brandi leaves the store)


     


    Mother: I hope the BAD MAN gets you!!! *pause* Or woman.


     


    [TheGoddess says: It is good to be politically correct when inflicting deep, psychological wounds upon your children.]


     


    * * *


     


    Coworker No. 1: I must’ve been leaning on my arm funny while I was reading last night because when I was done, I couldn’t lift my arm above my head.


    Coworker No. 2: That’s why I don’t read.


     


    * * *


    “If they want to be pampered, they need to go back to the Holiday Inn.” – Twila from Survivor


     


    [TheGoddess says: When I think of being pampered, the first place that comes to mind is the Holiday Inn.]




    Things I Hate


    a new continuing series


     



    I HATE . . .


     


    1.  The buttons on the ATM. They are never properly aligned with the available options. You would not believe the number of times I’ve accidentally selected to have the instructions displayed in Spanish. Veinte dolares, por favor!


     


    2.  When people say “ATM machine.” The “M” in ATM stands for “machine,” so when you say “ATM machine,” you are actually saying, “Automated Teller Machine machine.” It sounds stupid stupid. Stop repeating yourself yourself. It’s redundant redundant.


     


    3. When co-workers ask if I’m interviewing for a job at another firm just because my desk at work is clean and organized (admittedly, a rare occurrence).


     


    4. Those “Speed Checked By Aircraft” signs. Has anyone ever been pulled over my a helicopter cop? Stupid, lying police trying to scare me into submission with their stupid, lying signs!  


     


    5. The season finale of Nip Tuck. NO! THE GOOD LOOKING ONE! NOOOOOO!!!


     


    6.  That no matter where I stand in a long line, it will always be the exact place that every person in the universe will cut through to pass by.


     


    7. That Lindsay Lohan is trying so hard to be Britney Spears.


     


    8.  That a skim no-whip grande mocha from Starbucks costs 21 cents more today than it did last month.


     


    9.  When I think the radio is playing one of my favorite songs, but it really was just a snippet from one of those fake-out teaser we-play-all-the-hits! commercials.


     


    10. When people spell my name “Daniel” instead of “Danielle.” Hello! These aren’t man tits!




    Xangans Who Made Me Snarf My Starbucks Mocha Grande


     


    “I drink so much coffee that any vampire that happened to drink of me wouldn’t sleep for weeks.  He’d just lay there in his coffin all day long, thinking “This sucks.  I wish I had cable.” – blueyoohoo


     


    “Then I felt my boobs to make sure they weren’t onions.” – jessicass


     


    “So I went home and changed my underwear just in case and laid on the couch and waited to die. After two hours I decided maybe I was going to live and got up and did the laundry.” – LonaMay


    “If you’re really serious about meeting a guy, spend less time on your hair and more time following sports. Take some golf lessons, watch Sportscenter, learn about the prevent defense. You can highlight your hair, I don’t give a shit…nothing is sexier than a girl who knows exactly why Grady Little was an idiot for leaving in Pedro to face Matsui. You’d be surprised how the right piece of sports knowledge can help you connect with a guy. If you’re at a restaurant and the service is slow, you can be like ‘Oh my god, the service here is slower than Cecil Fielder.’ Or ‘Who’s running this restuarant? Larry Brown? ‘  Look at that…instant credibility. And you take this philosophy to the bedroom…forget about it. After a particularly good round of sex, you can tell a guy “that was great” or “you rock my world “. Whatever…that’s boring. We’ve heard it all before. You really want to get a guy’s attention, tell him, ‘Wow, that was incredible . . . you were like MJ dropping 55 on the Knicks.’ Bam! Just like that you’ve made history. Your relationship may not last the weekend…but he’ll be telling that story thirty years from now when someone asks him ‘Hey, what’s the greatest thing a woman has ever said to you?’” – jay321


    “Nobody touches your privates unless they have a note from your mom.” – MidoriSour


     


    “This tattoo moves away from symbolism towards a more narrative form. The story here concerns a Demon Cat emerging from the genitals of a retarded woman, who is giving the viewer a ‘thumbs up’ sign to put their mind at rest. Visually simple, but loaded with fucked-up meaning.” – campionsthumb


      


    “Down at the drugstore this morning (where I dropped an unconscionable 56 bucks [entirely too much of it spent on tampons and maxi pads] {and don’t you just bet that if men bled once a month, they’d be giving this shit away with every purchase of jalapeno-flavoured pork rinds?}), the cashier, noting my purchase of inexpensive popcorn, mentioned she thought I should try the Orville Redenbacher. First of all, why does a stranger care what brand of popcorn I’m buying? Why? Can her life truly be so bereft of interest that even a teeny corner of her brain would get invested in the fact that I’ve got Crazy Ernie’s Low-Rent Popping Corn That Only Bad, Inferior People Who Obviously Don’t Love Their Children Buy in my shopping basket?” – Primeva


     


    “I just had to call a guy named Richard Dickard.” – lotusgirl


     


    I couldn’t pick just one quotation from this blog, so go read the whole thing:


     


    The Mr. S Lexicon by officeconfidential