Why My Boyfriend is a “Little Bit Different”
Part 4
38. In my last entry, I made up that bit about how the Boyfriend farted to deter me from reclaiming the good side of the bed. It was 100% fiction. And I’m not just saying that because The Boyfriend got mad that I wrote in my blog about how he farted to deter me from reclaiming the good side of the bed. It wasn’t true at all.1
39. After attending a day of driving school to avoid a speeding charge and then taking the driving school test without getting a single question wrong, the Boyfriend now brags that he graduated from driving school summa cum laude. Two words: resume builder.
40. He’s man enough to wear this penis harness in public:
41. Just kidding. It is a rock wall climbing harness, not a penis harness . . . or so they say! (*eyeballs rock wall employees suspiciously*)
42. That’s not really a picture of the Boyfriend.2
43. During the movie
44. Me: Haven’t you heard of the saying, “Never look a gift horse in the mouth?”
The Boyfriend: I thought it was a gimp horse.
45. The aforementioned exchange also occurred during the movie
46. We actually argued over whether the word “buttock” referred to the entire butt, or just each separate butt cheek (I was advocating the latter position). He eventually agreed with me, but only after I said that I could never date a man with only one butt cheek. I’m shallow, I know.
47. Me: I really need to shave. My leg hair is starting to form dreadlocks.
The Boyfriend: Really? They are?!3
Dear Rupert,
Now that you’ve won one million dollars, it is time for you to buy some new shirts.
Very truly yours,
TheGoddess
TheGoddess rants about . . . The Swan
Yeah, I admit it . . . I followed this crap. But I only watched the first and last ten minutes of each show (the final episode being the only exception). Who cares what happens in between? Do I really need to watch as a doctor sucks fat out of a woman’s thighs? Or see how the “team of experts” hacks up her face to give her new cheekbones? Just the before and after, please.
There are many other aspects of the show that annoy me. Do you really expect me to believe that the Swan contestants haven’t seen their reflections in months? Sure, the producers say that they had “mirror police” that covered up all reflective surfaces, but I’m not buying what they’re selling. In my office, I check my appearance (or for HBs4) in a silver picture frame sitting on my desk. You don’t need to be McGuyver to improvise this one. Exhibit A, counselor: why is it that the first thing each Swan contestant does when she sees her new image “for the first time” is cover her face with her hands? Obviously, they don’t need a mirror (even though we know they’ve found one already) to know what their new boobs look like. The only thing that could remotely be a surprise would be their face. Yet, the contestants immediately hide their faces in the “shock” of it all.
And then there is the cheese factor. I hate how the show tried to make the “reveals” more dramatic than they were. Do we really need to hear that stupid music? Why make us wait an eternity before opening up the curtain? Why were the contestants forced to make swan-like poses behind the back-lit screen?
And why is it that in the “before” images, all the women were wearing the granny-est of all granny panties? And in the “after” pictures shown at the beginning of the pageant, why did all the contestants have their heads tilted in that awkward, un-human way? My god man, how many times must they recap “the amazing transformations” of the finalists? And why is it that veneers gave all the women that kind of freaky smile where your lips form a near perfect square around your teeth?
The Swan strived so hard to be a distant second cousin of the Miss America Pageant. It even had a Q&A session, where each judge asked the same question six different ways as the contestants competed to see who could squeeze in the greatest number of clichés in her answer during the time allotted. And the first audible words from the newly-crowned Swan? “Is my nose running?” Classy.
The most annoying aspect of the show had to be the mole on host Amanda Byram’s face. “Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley . . .” You’d think one of the show’s plastic surgeons would have offered to remove that hideous mole. For a discount, even!
Oddly enough, despite all of the above, tonight I still watched the Swan pageant instead of the President’s speech.
It is about time!
Sincerely,
TheGoddess
From Jordansmorgasborden: The Funniest Niece on the Planet
For the record, my niece climbed higher on the rock wall than I did. 
Heidi: When a woman and a woman love each other, in a sexual way.
Heidi: Why is that creepy all of a sudden? You didn’t think it was creepy when Rebecca and Nancy got married.
Heidi: Why don’t you smile when you sing? You always look constipated.
Heidi: When you have trouble getting your poop out
(a few minutes later)
Heidi: To see your constipated face?
Heidi: That’s Michael Jackson
Movie Review Haiku
Butt Butt Butt Butt Butt
Brad Pitt has a sexy butt
He has two buttocks5
Godsend
Hear that flushing noise?
Robert DeNiro’s career
Goes down the shitter
Man on Fire
A great action flick
Just missing one little thing
Brad’s sexy rear end
Mean Girls
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Fake or a Miracle Bra?
That is the question
The Dish Network’s latest commercial jingle is “Who Let the Pigs In?” to the tune of Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Pigs are running through some lady’s house and she demands to know who let them in. Now, I may be a little slow, but I didn’t get the pig concept until I went to the Dish website and figured out that they are trying to say cable companies are “pigs” because want to eat up all your money (I think). Clearly, the people who came up with this ad wanted to use the Baha Men song, and then developed the stupid pig concept around that. Putting aside the fact that Baha Men are sooooo yesterday’s news, stop picking on the pigs!! Pigs are messy eaters, not overeaters. Thus, the analogy to cable companies is flawed. Pigs don’t eat that much, relatively. Each day, hummingbirds eat more than half their weight in food and eight times their weight in water. Why not compare cable companies to hummingbirds?
http://www.vissor.com/interactive/assets/buttface.swf
Found by typing “buttface” in Google and then clicking on “I’m Feeling Lucky.” According to the test, I am a “Rear admiral.” Woo hoo.
http://www.subservientchicken.com/
Stolen from her (I think). My favorite commands so far: do the chicken dance, urinate, and act like Michael Jackson.
www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com
Submitted by the Boyfriend, who looks nothing like Kenny Rogers.
Dear Tara the Rejected Bachelorette,
Did you use mouthwash after you puked?
Curious,
TheGoddess
Why I Hate 1-800-Flowers
What I thought I ordered from 1-800-Flowers for my mom on Mother’s Day:
What 1-800-Flowers delivered to my mom on Mother’s Day:
A WEDDING bouquet?! WTF?
Rejected Themes for American Idol
So, you hated Gloria Estefan night? Didn’t care for the Barry Manilow tunes? Did you cringe when Ryan Seacrest announced the Idols would be singing country songs? Well, you should be thankful because here are some of the Idol themes that were rejected:
1. Gangsta Rap Nite
2. Guest Judge: William Hung!
3. Hits from the Crash Test Dummies
4. Cosby Show Theme Song Nite
5. The Idols Imitate John Stevens Imitating Frank Siantra
6. Sweatin’ to the Oldies with the Idols and Richard Simmons
7. Songs that Will Make Jasmine Trias Forget the Words and Cry
8. The Idols’ Favorite Tampon Commercial Jingles
Product Reviews by TheGoddess: Pantyhose
The thing I hate most about my job? Having to wear pantyhose. Fo’ real tho. But no two kinds of pantyhose are alike. To help you become a more informed consumer of the tight-fitting, circulation-impeding, cooter-smothering nylons of the Devil, I offer my experiences with various brands:
Ultra Sheer by Nordstrom
I’ve always considered Nordstrom a bit more upscale than most department stores. So little did I know that its pantyhose brand would be crap. I bought 3 pairs for $21.00. The first two got runs in them in the morning when I was putting them on. The third got a big fatty run in it sometime right before a hearing I had in court. Look, I understand pantyhose get runs. I’m lucky if I can get two uses out of a single pair. But they should be able to withstand normal use! The Ultra (Crap) Sheer by Nordstrom cannot. I’d only suggest you purchase these pantyhose if: (a) you don’t mind saggy ankles; (b) you walk like a robot; and (c) never pee (unless you can figure out how to pee without taking off these pantyhose). Rating: Crap.
Silk Reflections by Hanes
For those of you with XY chromosomes, I must provide some explanation: on the back of every package of pantyhose, there is a complex height/weight matrix which tells you what size to buy, presumably based on the stretchiness of the material. The smallest size is A, the largest I’ve seen is EF. For some reason, my height and weight in the Hanes’ pantyhose matrix categorizes me a letter HIGHER than every other brand! *gasp* Why would I buy a brand that tells me I’m fatter than the other brands say I am? I don’t even need to try them on to know they’re crap. Rating: Crap!
Calvin Klein Zero Waistband
The absence of a waistband means minimal hold. The top slowly begins to roll downward and the crotch area migrates to my knees by the day’s end. BUT! These pantyhose will actually survive about three or four uses!! I’m willing to constantly tug my pantyhose up from my knees if it means I won’t get runs. Rating: Not too crappy.
Low Rise by
The only pantyhose I know of with a wide band that sits very low on the hip *insert heavenly music here* The low rise design prevents the unfortunate but all too common these-pantyhose-make-me-look-six-months-pregnant syndrome. Rating: Far from crappy.
Xangans Who Will Make You Laugh So Hard You’ll Shart5
“Update on my self imposed celibacy. I failed.” – SOL70
“Overheard in the car on the way home last night:
Mackenzie’s friend Robbie: So who do you think will win the election, Bush or Kerry?
MacKenzie: I don’t know. Kerry, I hope.
Alex: Obviously Bush, because I don’t think that many people will vote for Drew Carey. His show isn’t even on anymore.” – officeconfidential
“I need money. Whoring myself out to old ladies (mowing lawns) pays the B & N bills, but will not do for Germany. Maybe I’ll seel one of my livers. I can get by with just one.” – Rue_the_Day
“The paper is done. Well, except for the title, of course. Titles are always a bugger. I came up with one, but I don’t think it will go over well: A Work of Unparalleled Genius: Cara’s Documented Essay. Also, it really has little to do with what the paper is about. *sigh*” – lawlessgoddess
“Q: What’s the difference between a raccoon and a television?
A: A lot.” - jrandom
“But its too late. The tissue paper has adhered to the not-yet-dried super glue on my nail. Ok…this illustration is obviously an exaggeration. First of all, there is more buffer space between wipe and hand, so the “stain” wasn’t there. Second of all, I trimmed the paper to the minimal size — the size of the glue glob. But you get the idea. Yes…basically, I now have a chunk of ass-wiping paper super glued to my nail until it grows out. Damn the permanency of super glue. Damn it to hell!” - sofichan
“You know what would be cool to see? Dyslexic zombies. They’d only attack guys named ‘Brian’. Think about it.” – Stave
1. The farting thing totally happened. Let’s just hope the Boyfriend doesn’t read footnotes.
2. Actually, it is.
3. Said in utter astonishment, without a trace of sarcasm.
4. HB = hanging booger
5. If you didn’t get the reference to my previous joke, stop scanning my entries, fucker.
6. Shart: when you mean to fart, but you shit yourself instead. - Along Came Polly (2004).
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