Help Danielle Win a Million Bucks Without Her Getting Fat

 

Just when I’m finally being good about my diet, Evil McDonald’s comes along and tempts me with its Monopoly Game. Each time they’ve had this game, I end up collecting all the pieces except for one in each set. I know the odds of winning are against me (to collect & win the million, the odds are 1 in 272,955,000). If the game is not marred by a scamming employee again, the winning piece will probably be tossed in le garbage by an unwitting fast food patron. But maybe, just maybe, this time will be different because of your help.

 

See, I’ve got this theory. Most people go to the same McDonald’s locations over and over. Makes sense, right? Why drive to another town to indulge in the salty goodness that is McDonald’s French fries if you can get them nearby? Realizing this, I think the crafty powers-that-be at Mickey D’s disperse strategically certain pieces to different parts of the country to decrease the likelihood that someone will be able to collect the full set. In other words, all the Baltic Avenue pieces are sent to Florida, while all the Mediterranean Avenue pieces are sent to California. So this is where you (yes, you) come in.  Send me your pieces!

 

Will I share the million with you? Or the plasma HDTV? Or the Best Buy Bucks? Or the Hummer? Hell no. (Well, I’d let you have the Hummer, only because it is butt ugly and I could never say the name with a straight face). But I am willing to offer to you my growing stack of coupons for a free McFlurry. And my never-ending gratitude. If that weren’t reason enough, with your assistance, I’d be able to cut back on my embarrassingly frequent trips to the McDonald’s drive-thru, and my ass will maintain its normal human proportions:

  

Danielle’s Ass* Before Monopoly:

 

 

*not Danielle’s real ass, but close enough.

 

Danielle’s Ass After Monopoly:

 

 

McDonald’s Monopoly Missing Game Pieces Count: 13

 

Pieces Danielle still needs: Boardwalk, Park Place, Short Line, Pennsylvania Avenue, Ventnor Avenue, Kentucky Avenue, Tennessee Avenue, Virginia Avenue, States Avenue, Connecticut Avenue, Vermont Avenue, Reading Railroad, and Mediterranean Avenue.

 

Incidentally, would you go digging in a McDonald’s dumpster in search of discarded Monopoly game pieces? No? Uhm, yeah . . . I wouldn’t either.

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Xangans I’m Quoting to Overcompensate for My Short Blog

“I had gnocchi for dinner tonight. It was gnice.” – arnie_flangehead

“Sympathy cards should not make people cry.  They should not say “our prayers are with you” because a) If you had prayed hard enough they wouldn’t be dead, b) if they were going to die anyways, praying doesn’t help.  Alot of times they also say, “we’re sorry.”  Unless you killed them, please do not apologize.  Why on earth are there no light-hearted sympathy cards?!  Or at least an “it’s better this way” card!  The person’s already crying and they don’t need your sappy card to make them feel worse.” – plumpossum

“Two things I learned today:  Never try to pierce your own lip.  Sure, it would look cool, but it hurts.  Alot.  Or maybe I`m just a wuss.  Also, no matter how much you`re craving a cigarette, don`t smoke paper torn out of a magazine.” – DietCokeSarcasm

 

“Third, I am VERY uncomfortable being naked. VERY! Even alone! Not because of my body. Because I’ve a fear of someone bursting in on me, and I’ll have to fight nekkid. I hate that thought.” – ReverendDel

 

“Oh yeah, I have changed my mind about wanting a vagina” – studiorat

 

“So I found a urinal. And then, my brain was like ‘OH MAN!!!! I’M PEEING RIGHT NOW!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!! IT FEELS REALLY GREAT TO PEE RIGHT NOW!!!!!! 5/5 FOR SURE!!!’ And then it was over. The rest of the night, I could feel my bladder returning to its normal size, and my brain was going ‘REMEMBER WHEN YOU REALLY HAD TO PEE, AND THEN YOU PEED???!!!??!! THAT WAS TREMENDOUS!!!!!’” – beek

 

“I’m not looking for happily ever after poon.” – cptcrunch

 

“$80 later the vet at the kittyER tells us that he essentially bit his lip.  HARD.  I’m looking at my cat thinking, “You bit through your fucking lip, dude?  How dumb can you be?”  He’s looking up at me hissing because there is a thermometer in his ass.” – toooldforthis

 

“I fell in love with a mullet. Nothing a pair of scissors and some TGIF hair wax can’t fix.” – midorisour

 

“Let me give you a tip: Read advertisements very carefully. A mediation course is a very different thing to a meditation course. It’s very uncomfortable to be the only one in saffron robes in a room full of suits.” – arnie_flangehead (yeah, I quoted him twice)