Portable Purple Pig Sty
In discussing the dangers of riding as a passenger in my car, I realized that my last blog neglected to mention the greatest danger of all: the risk of being exposed to some deadly, previously-unknown-to-modern-science bacterial growth hidden in the seemingly harmless innards of the Grapemobile. There are two kinds of people in this world: those with clean cars and those with messy ones. Well, I guess there are people who don’t have a car at all, but for purposes of this discussion, let’s forget about them, ok? I’m one of the messy ones. I’m not sure why. I don’t keep a messy apartment, so why do I treat my car like a trash can?
NOW, for a limited time only, I present to you . . . a tour of the inside of my car! Please refer to the descriptive references below.
FRONT
BACK
A. Unusable change permanently stuck together by a mysterious tar-like substance.
B. A dark stain on the passenger seat from an unknown source. Probably from a former passenger who lost all bowel control upon witnessing my driving skills from a front row seat.
C. A clock that is an hour ahead for half the year. I can never remember how to reset the time. At least 2-3 times a week, I have a minor heart attack thinking I’m late for something.
D. ½ inch deep pool of soda and/or coffee settled in bottom of the cup holder after the base of the container eroded.
E. Dozens of old printouts of directions from Mapquest. And I still got lost.
F. Hard to see in this picture, but there is a Grateful Dead Dancing Bears sticker on the window. I like the music, but I’m not a huge fan. The sticker was placed on there in 1997 by an ex-boyfriend who would travel long distances to see their shows. I kept it because damn those bears are cute! The only problem is that I keep getting those knowing looks from hardcore GD fans. You know what I mean.
G. Blindspot. Something I rarely check before I change lanes. Lots of fellow drivers in New City frequently let me know that they think I’m “Number One.”
H. Sticky remnants from old inspection and city decals. Does anyone know how to get that shit off?
I. Tape deck. The only tapes I own are mixes made by ex-boyfriends. Useful for when I’m in the mood for sappy love songs made in the early 90s.
J. Red “check gages” light turned ON. I was really upset when I saw this. No, not because I almost ran out of gas miles away from a gas station. I was upset because I was convinced “gages” was a misspelling. However, both www.dictionary.com and www.m-w.com list “gages” as an alternative spelling of the word “gauges.” My bad. Still upsets me, though.
K. Random purple things.
L. Work I always bring home, but that never gets beyond the backseat of my car.
M. All-temperature Cheer. Always thinking about you, cause a love like this won’t fade away . . . Why is it in my car? No clue.
N. Used straw wrappers. Hundreds of them. If there were a National Convention of Straw Wrappers Collectors, the participants would nominate me as their Queen. I’d wear a tiara fashioned out of straw wrappers stuck together by the mysterious tar-like substance (See A), and sit on a float in local parades for a nominal fee. *elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist*
You Know You Are Addicted to Xanga When . . .
Bryan: I think I am going to create my own religion that allows me to prance around the office all day in my tighty-whities shouting, “I am Cornholio!” . . . . Thank you for your concession, finally, that [Name Deleted] is your lover, and that you have limited your liasons to in-person encounters.
TheGoddess: Just for that [Name Deleted] comment, your tighty-whities line is going to be displayed prominently on my website in the very near future…
Bryan: You may want to reconsider. The thought of such a delectably form-fitting outfit on yours truly could very well prove to be so orgasmically overwhelming to your readers as to ultimately result in the complete and untimely meltdown of xanga.com, which I know would result in the end of your existence as you know it.
Risking a Xanga meltdown, I decided to post a picture of Bryan revealing his tighty-whities. As always, his eyes have been blacked out for his protection.
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